This is actually an old pun of mine: One of the Seven deadly puns of the world. Tarlan is always a year behind on her reading, but I'd rather have her a year behind on reading then on writing.

The Punishment
DISCLAIMER: I refuse to accept any money not to write this story. All characters belong to CC if he wants them back after this.
Rating: PG for adult parody and juvenile humor.

The Punishment
By Fan4Richie

Mulder moved away nervously as he realized that Alex Krycek again invaded his apartment. He had not yet recovered from Krycek's last visit and that enigmatic kiss on his cheek. What had Alex been trying to tell him?

But then again if Mulder had not been crouched naked on the floor, searching for the remote control, his cheek would not have been so easy to kiss. Mulder hurriedly sat on the offended body part. CC discouraged resolved tension on his shows.

"What the hell did you come for?" Mulder demanded.

"I came for Skinner," Krycek said.

Pursing his lips, Mulder scowled. He thought so...right after he shut the door on Skinner's apartment before they went to Russia; he had heard a rat squeal and a "Oh, sir..."

Krycek brushed some long reddish hairs off his black sweater. Mulder squinted his eyes in suspicion. Scully had been unaccountably chipper this morning. Scully had been skipping! She had been flicking away short chestnut hairs off of her suit jacket and mumbled something about her pet rat as an excuse. So when did Scully get a pet rat?

Krycek said, "It's that time again."

Mulder hastily rambled through his mind. The garbage was out. Well, really, it had been eaten by the monster of the week. He had paid his light bill. The consortium had paid for his telephone service, (It had been swollen by calls to 1-888 numbers) after it had been cut off for lack of payment.

Mulder had made the usual deposit to Krycek's account for dealing with the tenant committee, which sought Mulder's eviction. What had he forgotten?

Alex used the time to gaze at Mulder with one of those intense stares, which led slash writers to sigh and fire up the keyboards and Krycek haters to start on some cruel new story about the horrible plans that Alex had in mind for Mulder. Pausing just long enough to allow everyone to dash off to the beautiful eyes contest and enter a few votes, Alex finally showed Mulder where in the script they were going.

Mulder said, "Hmm, so I blindly follow you into danger? What's my motivation? Is Scully in danger?"

Krycek said, "Of course not, she's booked for the next week for stories with Jeff Spender and Pendrell."

Mulder shuddered, as he was a bit concerned that the two characters were reputed to be dead. Of course, Scully was a pathologist... and he supposed they were always stiff for her...

Krycek said, "It's Skinner. There's a creature after him. We have to save him."

Mulder felt a sting of jealousy. Not that he wanted either Skinner or Krycek or even Scully. However, he liked to think they lived in thwarted lust for his beautiful body. He quivered his lip, trying to recapture Alex's interest and said, "I thought you hated Skinner. What about the nanocytes?"

"Lover's quarrel. A misunderstanding," Alex said. "I got this picture of him kissing Doggett, but it was just a manipulated fake."

"Who's Doggett?" Mulder asked.

"Never mind," Alex said, "Now are you coming or not?"

"Oh, all right..." Mulder said, flipping to his favorite porn flick, "Alex Licks Albuquerque" with the inset picture showing, "Wicked Walter's Wanton Ways".

"Oh, ah, oh baby, I felt the earth move," Mulder said in a deadpan fashion, a little blase after eight seasons of non-stop sex.

Taking the Thing from under the blanket, he kissed the besmirched hand and said, "Wait for me, my one true love, little cross over darling of mine..."

Krycek looked disgusted and said, "That wasn't what I meant by come. It's a good thing I had a plot device booked to get us there on time or we would miss the denouncement."



"Argh" Mulder yelled as his combination plam, comb, and Swiss army knife was wrenched from his hand by a cruel lash from one of his opponent's many arms. Stock footage from the vintage vaults of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea ran ceaselessly over the sky, playing their version of the endlessly repeated Monster of the Week, a writhing anemone like creature. (Hey, if I have the nerve to recycle an old story this bad; stealing special effects from corny old series is nothing to me.)

Krycek wielded a non-aerosol bottle of hair spray. Yes, the pressure-can type would have made more sense, but even heartless assassins needed to be ecologically minded these days. He drove the seething mass of tendrils back from Mulder, who promptly sustained an unexplained head injury and lost his cell phone.

Krycek yelled, "It's all gone to hell!"

Mulder posed, showing his best puppy dog-suffering look. He said, "We can't let it have Skinner! What does it want? What? Damn it, Krycek, damn your Vulcan ears..."

Noticing the stunned look from Krycek, Mulder shrugged and said, "So, hey, I took acting lessons from William Shatner."

Shuddering, Krycek reached out and placed his real hand across Mulder's cheeks, sinking a digit effortlessly into the crease between. He soulfully gazed into Mulder's eyes and said, "We have to pay it off"

Mulder's eyes widened. Oh, a revelation! Sex might actually be more fun with a living human being...well, there was Fowley, but did she really count?

Writhing masses of the life form lashed out at them. The scent of strawberry shampoo and brimstone was nauseating. The creature had gained in strength.

The reason was clear as fragments of a hair re-growth factory fell from its clutches.

Walter writhed pitifully from the clutches of the monster, which had escaped from the devil's bald head. He was naked, his oiled, heavily muscled body struggling to free him from the imprisonment. He was beautiful, a prize worth Mulder and Krycek joining forces.

A tendril of the being's substance caressed over Skinner's pate. It radiated a telepathic demand ceaselessly.

Mulder said, "We can't give into its demands!"

"What do you mean we, good guy?" Alex said. "I am allowed to give into any demands and I do, frequently."

Mulder sighed and surrendered. Sometimes there was no other choice. He joined Krycek in throwing buckets of money at the monster.

Slowly, the creature subsided, freeing the beautiful Walter to stagger into their arms and sink down waiting for comfort. Alex and Mulder tore off their clothes, ready to lick the handsome AD clean of all traces of his recent captivity.

As Alex met Walter's lips in a hot, hot kiss, Mulder, who never could stop talking, looked directly into the camera and narrated.

"Yes, some days you win."

"Other days, there is only HELL TOUPEE."

Archived: May 27, 2001