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It would take so little for him to blow it. Blow his cover, his security, his sanity...his Fox. Possessive is how he felt; Possessive of his pet Fox. Too bad the little mammal didn't want an owner. Alex recalled the day, when still an agent, that he had succumbed to his silly crush and given Mulder a poem he had written. He hadn't actually given it to him directly, but had created a little scheme whereby he 'accidentally' left the poem on Mulder's desk then left the office in the throes of nausea to begin a weekend of insomniac suffering wondering what would happen the next time they met up. For two days he chastised himself, berating his schoolboy prank, then giving serious thought to calling in sick for a few days, or even the rest of his life. Here he was a double agent, terrified by his romantic feelings. He'd rather have faced any of the bastards in the Consortium than deal with a disgusted Fox Mulder.
With Monday's arrival, he opted for accepting his fate and dragged his ass into the office. Shaking on the inside, he presented his innocent, rookie faade as he walked through the hallowed halls of the Bureau. It wasn't until lunchtime that he bumped into Mulder. Alex, hoping to avoid a meeting, decided to take his lunch in the courtyard behind the office structure. Finding a secluded, shady spot, he plopped down on a bench to eat. As he relaxed a bit, and accepted the refreshing breeze that rustled his hair, an all-too-familiar voice came from behind.
"You need to make some friends, Krycek. Kiss ass your way up the ladder. You won't do that noshing in secluded courtyards," Mulder said.
"Jesus, Mulder. You must walk on little cat feet." Alex turned, expecting to see Mulder's tall form behind him, but all he saw was a big tree about 10 feet away. He exhaled with relief: No Mulder. "I'm losing it."
Then, again, the voice, "Trust me on this one."
Alex stood and turned quickly. "Where the hell are you?"
"Look up, Alice. I'm in the tree." And he was, just like the Cheshire Cat, right down to the grin. This was a worry.
"That tree grows strange fruit." Alex regretted his choice of words the moment they passed his lips, so he immediately sat and crammed his sandwich in his mouth.
"You know the Billie Holliday song, Strange Fruit? Southern trees bear a strange fruit...Only she was talking about lynched blacks. And your allusion?"
Oh, Christ, thought Alex. He's on to me. Damn me and my stupid poem. "Just a comment, Agent Mulder."
"There's no such thing, Krycek. Every word we utter falls from our mouths for a reason. And the ones we seriously consider before uttering or writing down are incredibly deliberate in their intent to reveal or obfuscate. Come on, you're a smart guy. Sometimes you're just a smartass, but smart nevertheless."
"Thanks for the praise. Will it go into my review?" asked Alex.
"Do you like poetry, Krycek? Your files indicate a strong background in English studies."
"That was mainly to improve my English skills. Having a heavy Russian background, I always felt a bit inferior, so I focused heavily on perfecting the language and strengthening my writing skills. You know, for reports and all."
"Do you like poetry?" Mulder asked again.
Alex took a big breath. "More for the thoughts expressed than for the form."
"I think one is inextricable from the other," Mulder said as he dropped to the ground from his perch on the low branch. He approached Alex; "The form is an extension of the thought. One helps express the other."
"Never thought of it like that. Creative writing wasn't a forte of mine."
"Oh? I think you're pretty good." Alex froze as Mulder circled the bench and sat, "I thought your poem expressed a good many things."
"Poem?" asked Alex, looking as innocent as possible.
"You left a poem of yours on my desk last week. Didn't miss it, huh?"
"That's where that went. Well, I'm glad it landed there instead of in the halls somewhere. I probably would have acquired some ghastly nickname had it fallen into the wrong hands."
"So, mine were the right ones?"
"Huh?" Alex could feel the sweat collecting on his forehead.
"What makes you think I won't give you a nickname? Chromatic Krycek, man of many colors, many sounds."
"I wish I'd lost it in the halls," deadpanned Alex.
They sat for a while in silence. Mulder closed his eyes against the breeze and absorbed its refreshing coolness. Alex prayed the breeze was drying his forehead. He dared to look at the man sitting next to him and wondered how someone so tormented could look so at peace. With all of Krycek's access to data, he knew a lot about Mulder's terrors and trials, and he was supposed to use it all against the man. How could he when all he wanted to do was kiss him?
Mulder opened his eyes, catching Alex's observance. "See something you like?"
Alex flinched. "I think I need to get back to work." As he stood, Mulder pulled him back down by an arm.
"Wait. I'd like to discuss your poem."
"Too embarrassing. I'm not very good. And I'm never going to do anything with it, so it's really not a point of discussion."
"But who did you write it for?"
Alex felt himself turn gray. "I..uh...it was....for myself."
"Well, that goes without saying. I think all writing is for ourselves. But you must have had someone in mind when writing it."
Jesus, Mulder, let it go, thought Alex. "Well, that doesn't matter anymore, does it?"
"No, guess not." Then Mulder proceeded to recite the poem:
"I sought a chance to tell you once,
(my mind was yet unsolved)
how much I loved you,
then I thought I'd leave it unresolved.The thought of losing you, a friend,
was risk too much to take.
I thought it to be foolishness
to lose you for love's sake.It's sad, really. Unrequited love. Even less; unadmitted love."
"Sounds kind of sappy now that it's been spoken out loud," said Alex. "I apologize profusely for your suffering."
"I think it's very nice, sad and painful, full of yearning. Romantically stated with clarity of intent." "Jeez, you can be my beta."
"What's that?"
"Uh, nothing, Mulder."
"Well, don't stop writing. It's a good outlet. And all of us need something like that. I've got porn, you've got writing."
"You don't seem like the porn kind of guy."
"Well, who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?"
I do, Mulder, thought Alex. "Actually, I think I need the porn. We'll let you, Agent Mulder, handle the writing from now on."
"Well, come over some time. You can peruse my library."
"Might that reveal too much about you?"
Mulder smiled teasingly, "Hey, never hurts to get the upper hand, huh? And I'm offering it to you. Gift horse...never look....all that sort of thing."
"Or, beware Trojans bearing gifts?"
"Interesting. Actually, Alex, it's Greeks bearing gifts. We all know that Trojans bear the best kind of gifts."
With that, Mulder rose and walked away, leaving Alex stumbling over the last comment.
BUT THAT WAS THEN, and Alex had blown it. At the time, he couldn't muster the nerve to take Mulder up on his offer, if that's what it was. Then the relationship had deteriorated until all that was left was distrust, anger and hate. Alex did retain something from before, though; His crush. It didn't matter how cruel he had to be to everyone Mulder cared about, or how many times his little Fox beat him up, Alex hungered for him and would take and dole out any amount of abuse if it brought them together. Alex needed it and he was pretty sure Fox needed it. He had given much thought to the situation over the years and often wondered if Fox had also. Finally, after all this time, Alex felt ready to take Fox up on his offer, or what he thought might have been an offer. He wasn't anything like the trembling novice from back then. He'd developed a crust and an edge. He wasn't a geeky school kid; he was a finely aged wine now with a cork that was ready to pop.
So he sat in the evening shadows across from Mulder's apartment and waited for him to appear. It was close to his running time. Alex would follow him tonight as another runner. Running was far from Alex's favorite pastime so he was ill prepared that day and had to buy some shoes and the right shorts. For shorts, he settled on a pair of onionskins that clung in all the right places. So, decked out in onionskins, running shoes and a sleeveless sweatshirt with a hood, he waited for Mulder. He was not as nervous as he thought he might be. He was definitely as turned on as he expected; His throbbing erection was almost painful as it struggled to free itself from his shorts.
Alex saw a door open and the tall figure of Agent Fox Mulder illuminated by the overhead light. He stepped to the walkway and ran in place briefly, did some minor stretches and bounded into the street. Halfway across, Mulder turned sharply to his left and jogged down the middle of the road. Alex held back until Mulder took a turn into the park two blocks away.
ALEX WAITED ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK until Mulder was coming around from his first lap, then he jogged onto the track about 10 yards ahead. Let him watch my ass for awhile, thought Alex.
Alex entered his second lap as Mulder began his third, quickly approaching the unknown runner. To help disguise himself, Alex wore the hood up on his sweatshirt figuring that it, combined with the darkness, would do the trick. He could hear Mulder's pounding feet approaching. While his cock had deflated a bit at the beginning of his jog, he could now feel it banging around under the thin fabric like a salami in a silk sack.
Mulder was now about a foot behind and to his left by about six feet, breathing heavily but steadily. Alex darted his eyes to the left and could see Mulder catching glances of him. Was he cruising? He could tell Mulder was trying to see his face, surreptitiously as he pulled ahead. Alex gratefully watched him move ahead to maintain a distance of about 20 feet. Now it was Alex's turn to enjoy some ass.
And Fox Mulder had an ass. Memories of Mulder's ass wrapped in a skimpy red Speedo taunted Alex. Front and back, the man was a treat, even after all these years.
Ending his third lap, Mulder slowed down and headed toward a darkened structure at the end of the oval. He didn't stop moving, but just bounced up and down a bit and stretched his arms up. He spoke as Alex approached. "I think that's gonna do me for tonight. My heart's not in it."
Well, thought Alex, now what do I do? "Then where is it?" asked Alex in a slightly altered voice.
"Huh?" asked Mulder.
Alex slowed to an in-place jog where there was little available light on him. "Your heart."
"Lost in a fantasy."
"Sounds romantic."
"Well, I should know the romance attainable in fantasy." They both continued to jog in place until Mulder tipped his hand. "What are you're fantasies?"
Alex slowed to a stop. "That's pretty personal. You aren't coming on to me, are you?"
Alex could see the slight panic in Mulder's face as he spoke, "Uh, no. No. Just conversing." He paused to look at Alex's crotch, which was impressively bulging. "Although that lure in your pants is pretty enticing."
" Exercise gets me hot."
"Sorry, just misread the situation." Mulder backed off and sat on a bench in the darkness.
"All that pumping blood has to go somewhere."
"Well, don't want to detain you. Sorry, again," said a sheepish Mulder.
"Don't be. I wasn't offended. The next guy might be, though."
Mulder said, "Thanks for the advice. I'm generally not wrong about these things. But I guess I should be a bit more cautious...dark, moonless night, empty park, mysterious man. Just foolishly unguarded of me."
Alex stared intently. The backlighting on him obliterated any features Mulder might have been able to make out. The voice inside the darkened oval of the hood spoke, "I never said I wasn't interested."
"But..."
"Did I?"
"Uh, no. I just got the impression from your words..."
"You must always listen to people's language. Generally, they do not misspeak. They may say more than they intend to, but they usually say what they're feeling."
"Very true. Would you like to come back to my place?" asked Mulder.
"What are your intentions?"
"Nothing undesired. Nothing at all, if that's what you want."
"That might be rather unsatisfying, no?" Alex wanted Fox to ask him for the sex.
Mulder thought a moment before speaking. "I find good conversation fulfilling. I feel the same about a hard cock up my ass."
Alex was surprised by Fox's bluntness. He knew the man was honest and didn't back down from confrontation, but he was taken aback by his brazenness. "I know the feeling. But we don't have to go indoors for that. I'm pretty fond of nature."
"Here? You want sex here in the open?"
"In the open, but still hidden." Alex gestured toward the little brick building. "I doubt there's any light behind there. No one would see us." Alex noted the look of concern on Mulder's face. "Does it seem a little dangerous to you? Concerned for your safety? Think I'm a fag basher?"
"Hey, you were the one warning me about my lack of caution."
"You want to frisk me?"
"You can't imagine...."
Alex laughed. He walked to the side wall of the little structure, spread his legs and laid his palms against the bricks. "Help yourself."
Mulder scanned the park to see if anyone else was around. Satisfying himself that there wasn't, he crossed into the darkness where Alex stood. He patted down Alex's sides and moved down to his legs. Obviously there was no reason to check his legs other than pure lust. He slid a hand up into Alex's ass, then both hands around his buttocks and forward to his crotch. "Thought so."
"What," asked Alex.
Mulder pressed up against Alex and took a hold of his hard cock with both hands. "Concealed bat. I didn't think I could trust you."
Alex laughed and then shuddered as Mulder slid his hands up under the sweatshirt and tweaked his nipples. "You seem to have frisking experience."
"A bit. But this is the first time I've ever used this method. Seems to do the job."
"Exceptionally well. Your turn."
"What, you don't trust me?"
"Never said I did, buddy."
Alex led Mulder behind the building into deeper darkness, positioned him up against the wall and performed his version of a pat down. He started at Fox's ankles, placing a hand on either side of a leg and sliding upwards. "You have nice legs, too bad they're covered by these sweatpants." With one hard tug, Alex yanked them down to Mulder's knees. "Step out of them." As Mulder lifted each foot in turn, Alex pulled the sweats off and tossed them aside with a jingling sound from the keys in the pocket. He stared at Mulder's buns. "Flying commando. Cool."
Mulder groaned, "I like to feel my balls flopping around when I run. Although they tend to get musty with nothing to absorb the sweat."
"Let me check that for you." Alex reached a hand up between Mulder's legs to cup his balls. "They're sweaty, alright. Big, too."
Mulder then felt a face pressed into his ass as a tongue licked at his stretched balls from behind. "Oh, Jesus. If I'd known this was gonna happen, I'd have taken a shower before running."
Alex sat on his haunches, still stretching Mulder's balls back between his legs and spoke in a voice thick with lust. "Yep, musty. Very tasty. So, you weren't planning on sex in the park?"
"Hardly."
"This isn't the usual routine?"
"This is a first," moaned Mulder as his balls were massaged.
Alex smiled in the darkness. It was a first, and it was between the two of them. Alex stood and pressed his body along the length of Mulder's. He grasped the bottom of Mulder's sweatshirt and pulled it up, over his head, just leaving his arms encased in the sleeves. "You have a beautiful back." He leaned against Mulder, making him support both their weights as he licked from one shoulder to the other. Alex reached around and took Mulder's raging hard on in one hand and his balls in the other. Both men groaned. "You're a beautiful man." He stroked the length of Mulder's cock. Alex was lost in the euphoria of his fantasy coming true. He pulled his rock of a penis from his shorts and wedged it between Mulder's cheeks, thrusting forward and back, the sweaty ass providing plenty of lubricant along with what was seeping out of Alex's own cock. Mulder's ass tilted back to receive the thrusts.
"Oh, God..." was all Mulder could squeak out.
"You seem to be a religious man. You keep mentioning Jesus and God."
"I think I'm having an epiphany."
Alex laughed aloud and Mulder did, too, snorting back air. "I like a guy with a sense of humor. 'Course, a nice ass doesn't hurt either," Alex said as he gave Fox's ass a little slap.
"Consider it yours," said Mulder. "This is probably a silly question, but you don't happen to have any rubbers on you, do ya?"
They continued their gyrations as Alex spoke on; "I'm clean. You can trust me."
" I'd love to trust you, but I'm not willing to die for a fuck. I'm clean, too, but we could both be lying rat bastards." That stopped Alex dead in his tracks. Rat bastards. Why did he say that? "I'm not saying we are, or even that you are, but I don't think either one of us should anguish over an exchange of bodily fluids."
Rat bastard. Just a coincidence, Alex thought, as he began to hump once again. "You're right. No point in becoming a statistic just because of desire. I would wind up being intensely resentful of you."
"And we've gotten off to such a good start. So, what do we do now?"
"We keep doing what we're doing. I'm prepared."
"So, running and sex in the park must be part of your routine?"
"No, babe. I'm just optimistic." Alex and Mulder kept thrusting their bodies together as Alex opened the condom he had in his sweatshirt pocket. He paused to roll it down over his cock. He was so close to coming he could barely stand the sensation of the rubber. "I do not, however, have any lube."
"Don't worry. You can use some of mine."
Alex reached around Mulder and milked his cock for the precious lube. He was grateful for the huge amount that oozed into his palm. "Mmmmm, I'd like to taste that. It must be like mead." He coated his sheathed cock with it then guided his head to the long-awaited nesting place. "Likely to hurt some."
"Only in a good way," whispered Fox.
Alex began to press the tip of his penis into the tight opening while Mulder grunted. Suddenly Mulder pushed back and impaled himself on the magnificent penis. They gasped in unison.
Mulder spoke first. "Christ, it feels even bigger than it looked. I'm moving passed epiphany. I think I'm ready for beatification."
Alex plunged to the hilt, practically climbing up onto Mulder's ass to get in as far as humanly possible, forcing Mulder's face into the brick wall. "Are you okay?" asked Alex.
"Better than okay. Lean back down onto the ground. And don't break contact. I want that cock where it is." They maneuvered themselves onto the ground, Alex on his back, Fox squatting over him attached in the most personal of ways, with his back to Alex. Mulder removed the sweatshirt that still sheathed his arms and then pushed himself all the way down Alex's shaft until he could feel the man's balls against his own. "Oh, sweet wounded Jesus, can't this last forever? For fucking ever?"
"Not at this rate." Alex began to press his crotch up as Mulder pushed down. They had very little movement but terrific pressure in all the right spots. Alex had never felt so deeply embedded and Fox never so fulfilled. They continued their fraction-of-an-inch thrusts as the pressure built up.
Fox's orgasm hit first. He could barely contain himself as Alex sat up and reached an arm around to grab his pulsating cock. Alex stroked as Mulder shot his load onto his legs and the ground between them. Alex felt his own balls tighten as Mulder's sphincter grabbed onto the hard cock in his ass. As the first jet of semen rocketed out of him into Mulder, Alex wrapped both arms around the man and held on for dear life.
Their grunts and groans became loud but there was no way either man could control them as their bodies flailed at the air and the ground around them, eventually subsiding into hyperventilation as the two fell back, Mulder atop Alex. They both began to laugh.
"Oh, God...oh, God, Jesus...." Mulder expelled.
"You're making me blush," said Alex.
"Wasn't that the best? Tell me. And lie to me if it wasn't."
An out of place seriousness entered Alex's voice as he encircled Mulder's chest with his arms. "No lies. Never again." Alex immediately caught his faux pas.
The same seriousness flattened Mulder's voice, "'never again'? What do you mean?" Mulder's body tensed. With that, Alex shackled Mulder with his arms. Mulder yelled, "Who are you?"
"Just settle down. You don't need to be afraid."
"I think I do, God dammit. Who the fuck are you?"
Alex placed his lips to Mulder's ear and whispered in his own voice, "I'm a Trojan bearing gifts."
In a heartbeat, Mulder's body collapsed against Alex's. To all the world, Mulder thought he must look like a Dali watch, sagging and dripping over the edge of a precipice. A sudden frightening and feral cry escaped from the deepest part of him, "Nooooooo.....no."
Alex felt the years of pain the two shared being played out in Mulder's howl of remorse. He tightened his grip even more, "Fox, don't. Please."
Fox sobbed audibly, releasing the agony of all suffering souls into the night. "No....why? Why you?"
"Because I love you Fox. Through all that has passed between us, I love you...still." Mulder began to gasp asthmatically. "Fox, are you okay? Fox!"
Words forced their way between the gasps, "I'll....kill...you....fucking....kill..."
Alex sat up, still clutching Fox who continued to gasp. "Breathe, Fox. Fucking breath. Calm down. Get it under control." Alex stroked the suffering man's hair and temples. "Come on, Fox. You're scaring me."
As suddenly as it began, Mulder's thrashings stopped and stillness fell around them. "Fox? Fox!" Alex's penis, still stiff and encased in the condom, popped out of Mulder as he climbed around the limp body. Having adjusted to the darkness, he could see that Mulder's eyes were closed. He placed an ear to Mulder's nose and couldn't detect any breathing. "Oh, shit!" He rolled him onto his stomach, straddled him and pulled him up by the middle of his body. He then released him down gently and quickly yanked his mid-section up again. After three rotations, he heard a gasping intake of air. "Thank God." Though breathing, Mulder was completely out of it. "I've got to get you out of here! Jesus!" He frantically felt around on the ground for Mulder's sweats. Finding them, he shook them until he could here the keys jingle and retrieved them. Alex threw the sweatpants over a shoulder, picked up Mulder and draped him over the other shoulder and ran through the darkness to Mulder's apartment.
HE DIDN'T CARE WHO SAW the madman running through the streets with a naked body over his shoulder. He didn't even know if anyone had seen them. His only concern was to get help for Fox.
He wasn't even sure how he got into the apartment. Everything had been a blur of greenery and street lamps. But they were inside now; Fox stretched out on the couch. If Alex wasn't so concerned, he would have enjoyed staring at the naked man, but he felt embarrassed for Fox, lying so exposed yet wearing running shoes and socks. It was a ridiculous and almost obscene image. Alex removed his sweatshirt and covered up Mulder's mid-section.
He was breathing regularly but wouldn't wake up. Alex slapped his face lightly trying to get a rise out of him. Nothing. In the kitchen he found a bottle of scotch in one of the cabinets. He poured a little of the booze between Mulder's flaccid lips. Almost instantly, Fox began to cough. His eyes flew open to reveal his confusion. "What...what...?" At first he wasn't aware of the man beside him; He was aware of his nakedness, however, and his expression told of his total loss for an answer. "What is going on?" He looked up to the ceiling dismayed, not able to grasp the circumstances of his condition.
Alex leaned into his sightline. "Do you know who you are?"
"Stupid fucking question --." It all came back in a tormented rush once he recognized Alex. He instantly pushed himself up from the couch and attacked his attacker. With his hands around Alex's throat, he pushed him to the floor. The scotch bottle flew across the room like a rocket and smashed into the wall spraying glass and booze all around.
Alex was taken so off-guard that he lay stunned while Fox choked him. It was only when one of Mulder's fists battered his face a couple of times that he began to resist. It wasn't easy; Mulder was a man raging and seemed to have the strength of two. Alex tried to release the chokehold to little effect. He could only place a hand over his face to keep his nose from being broken; with his other hand, he firmly grasped Mulder's scrotum and squeezed as hard as possible.
It seemed that Fox didn't even feel it at first, so lost in hatred was he. But, before long, the excruciating grasp had the desired effect, throwing Mulder off on his side clawing at Alex's grip. Mulder screamed but Alex wouldn't let up. On his back, Mulder pushed himself across the floor with his feet, but couldn't lose the vice on his balls. Soon the pain was reaching the paralyzing stage when nausea and stabbing kidney pain rendered him immobile.
Alex eased his grip ever so slightly, cautiously. "If you promise to settle down, I'll let you keep 'em. Do you hear me, Fox?" All Alex could hear was a whimper. It was sad and embarrassing. He loosened his grip a bit more, which Fox took as a signal to attack and began to swing at Alex. The grip tightened again.
Mulder screamed a scream that never left his mouth, it simply ricocheted around his lungs. It was the most frightening sound Alex had ever heard. "Fox, I don't want to do this. Please, stop fighting," Alex pleaded. He felt so torn by his actions; Stranded between his desire to soothe him and the need to keep him in check. "Please, Fox. Please."
A tight whisper escaped from Mulder; "I'm going to throw up." Alex jumped to his feet, hoisted up Mulder, dragged him to the bathroom and held his head over the tub. Mulder began to heave whatever hadn't been processed by his intestines and, once that was gone, he heaved air. In time the painful gagging stopped and he slid on his back to the cool tile floor.
He was barely aware of Alex wiping his face with a wet washcloth, even using it to clean inside his mouth. How strange, Mulder thought, he tries to tear my nuts off and then wants to tend to me. He couldn't figure out how he got from the bathroom floor to his bed, but was grateful for the comfort it offered. He could feel his shoes and socks being removed. Why doesn't he leave? "Go, Alex. Don't come back. I will kill you next time we meet."
"No, you won't, Fox. I love you and I'm tired of this fight. I'm tired of your fight with yourself, too. You're one miserable schmuck and always will be until you let yourself love me."
The words barely registered with Mulder as he faded into sleep.
MULDER OPENED his eyes to blackness; he couldn't even see his hands, just the illumination from his clock. He thought it read 2:30 A.M. He couldn't make himself rise. He felt beaten and betrayed. He felt raped, actually, even though he had been a willing partner to the escapade. But why did it have to be him? It wouldn't have been if he'd been less reckless, but he'd been slipping into frivolous behavior for the past few weeks. Fuck, what was I thinking? Sex in the park with a stranger? I deserved what I got. He tossed some self-abuse around in his head for a while. Stupid. Just fucking stupid. He was beyond disgust for himself.
He threw off the covers and sat on the edge of his bed feeling sluggish...and his asshole hurt. Like I needed something to remember him by. Shit! He grew tense then, realizing that he wasn't sure where Alex was; he could be sitting in the chair across the room; he could be lying in the bed next to him. Tentatively, he extended a hand behind him and felt the other side of the bed. Nobody there. As usual.
Restless, he wearily rose to his feet and staggered to the kitchen for some water. My mouth tastes like shit. He rinsed a few times before swallowing a refreshing gulp. He cleaned my mouth out. He's nuts. Then he became aware of the ache in his testicles. He placed a hand on them gingerly. They were tender. Another souvenir from the bastard. For some reason, Mulder was getting a hard-on.
He sat in the darkness on the couch with his glass of water. His dick was a raging hard-on now. "Why this," he said with a tinge of disgust. "Why not? It felt good. In fact, it was some of the best sex I've ever had. But why him?" A blush of anger flushed through him only to make his cock harder and hotter.
He was forced to remember his early days with Alex and how attracted he was to the young man. He felt it was reciprocated. I sought a chance to tell you once...I thought it to be foolishness to lose you for love's sake. He'd never forgotten the poem, not through all of the trying years since he first read it. In turn, he'd never been able to forget Alex, either, for many reasons; not the least of which was the murder of his father. I just got fucked by the man who murdered my father. Why did it feel so good?
More to the point, Fox wondered, "Why does it still feel good?" Oh, God. Not this. Not him. The answer was already known; Fox had never forgotten what had attracted him to Alex to begin with. Alex was a bolt of lightening wrapped in electricity. And he was fucking handsome on top of that! There was also desire between the two -- unrequited, but it was there. Or, was it requited as of last night? No, that was a sham because I didn't know who he was. But he knew who I was, so is his desire for me satisfied? What did he say? Something he said before I fell asleep...that I was a schmuck? Something else. That he...that he loved me. I am a fucking trouble magnet. What else was it? Ah, yes; that I had to let myself love him.
Mulder drank a big gulp of the cool water. He felt he was too calm for what had transpired this evening. He didn't like feeling reasonable, especially about all of this crap. This did not warrant reason, but vengeance. Then why was the anger draining from him, leaving nothing but a gooey, warm, sweet feeling? Am I so fucking starved for love that I'll take it from a murderer? My father's murderer? And am I so screwed up that I am considering returning that love? "Shit!"
IT WAS A SLEEPLESS NIGHT, at best. Maybe from about 4:30 to 4:45 Mulder had dozed off. Maybe. "So, what do I do with myself for the weekend? Maybe I can get a lobotomy, or at least some electro-shock." He looked at his bedside clock: 8:50 A.M. 8:50 A.M. 8:50 A.M. 8:50 A.M. "It's going to be a very long day."
As he showered, he took care cleaning his ass. He was tender there. As his middle finger traced the circle of his anus, he let his fantasy take over -- Alex's cock pushing at the opening. Mulder's cock was hard again. That wouldn't be so bad, but it made the ache in his testicles pronounced. Maybe I should go to the doctor. Perhaps I'm permanently damaged. An eternal Krycek memento. He began to stroke himself with thoughts of Alex Krycek; Alex's hand on his hard cock; Alex's lips at the back of his neck; Alex's big hard penis battering his asshole raw. And he came, that fast, and was suddenly knocked to the floor of the shower by the pain in his balls. "Oh, Jesus!" He cupped his hands under his scrotum and let them catch the warm water of the shower. His balls floated in a soothing ball bath.
Once the pain had dampened, he got out and dried off. As he stood before the sink, he studied himself in the mirror. "You're a sad case, Fox Mulder. You're queer for your daddy's killer. Fox Mulder, you are spooky." He opened the medicine cabinet to retrieve his toothbrush and paste. Lying across the tube was a spent rubber, tied at the opening to prevent leakage of Alex Krycek's potent seed. "Another gift."
He picked it up and studied it. As a youth, rubbers had fascinated him. They were the sexiest, naughtiest things he had ever seen. When he was about twelve, he and his parents had gone to a divey little diner. When he went to the restroom, his eyes were assaulted by a row of dispensers hanging on the wall: Pocket Pussy, Trojan Condoms, French Ticklers, Spanish Flies. He got a boner immediately as he studied the enticing come-ons on each machine. To his overwhelming delight, the Trojans' dispenser had two red plastic tubes at the outlet. Could this really be what he thought they were? Was he actually going to get his hands on an actual rubber for the first time in his life? Timidly, after looking around to make sure no one was there, he grabbed the two cylindrical containers and stuffed them into his pocket. So excited, he left the restroom without peeing. The rest of the evening he sat in dazed, erotic intoxication, penis rock hard, bladder painfully stimulating, barely paying attention to what his parents had to say. All he wanted to do was get home and try one on.
He didn't dawdle when his parents pulled up in the driveway. With a solemn `good night' to them, he dashed to his bedroom, locking the door behind him.
"Fox, are you alright," called his mother.
"I'm fine, fine." Just leave me alone. He sat on the edge of his bed; the bedside lamp offering the only light for this highly-charged erotic experience. He studied the two red cylinders that were about the size of a lipstick tube. He was in awe; he held the Holy Grail. He set one of the tubes upright on his nightstand and gently twisted the two halves of the remaining container in opposing directions. He pulled gently on each end. There, stuck in one half of the capsule was the stuff of which dreams are made. He lifted the container to his nose and inhaled deeply; Thirty-something years later he remembered the smell and the electric shock of sex it sent through him.
He brought Alex's come-filled rubber to his nose and inhaled; not quite the scent he was looking for, but it was a scent that filled and comforted. Comfort? "I'm fucked."
ONCE DRESSED AND FED, Mulder decided a walk to the park was in order. He needed to gather this event within, so he went to the scene of the crime.
The park was lovely. The crisp air made all the colors sharp. It seemed like an immensely happy place. Not timidly, but a bit cautiously, Mulder approached the little brick building that looked much less enticing in the daylight. He could see himself and the hooded man as in a hologram right before him and watched them play out the previous night's events -- the teasing, the frisking -- he followed them around the back of the building and lost them the moment he saw his wadded up sweatshirt laying in the leaves.
It had happened right on this spot. He let Alex Krycek fuck him. Did it even matter that he didn't know who it was at the time? Why was he out having sex with strangers? In dark corners of nature? It was a form of suicide and he may have found his silver bullet. He turned quickly at the sound of crunching leaves and knew, even before he could focus, that it would be Alex.
The green-eyed monster stood before him in all his gorgeous black-clad splendor, only this Alex wasn't brazen and threatening. This Alex appeared timid and almost ashamed.
Fox could barely find his voice and spoke hoarsely. "Back for seconds?"
Alex turned his head aside, not knowing where to look, then settled back on Fox. "I waited for you across the street from your apartment. I wanted to see you and know that you were okay. I followed you here."
"Thanks for caring." Mulder turned away and bent over to retrieve his sweatshirt. He crossed to the wall where he had been `frisked' and leaned against it, headfirst, clutching his sweatshirt like his favorite blanket. "I don't know why, Alex, but we have to talk. Wait, I lied. I know why...I just can't believe it."
With a little sneer on his face Alex said, "A little chat before you blow my brains out?"
Mulder rolled onto his back and looked Alex in the eyes. "This...this..," Mulder stammered as he waved one arm around acknowledging the place, the event, "thing that happened -- it's made me remember, uh, feelings...I had for you." Mulder studied his feet in embarrassment. Alex took a step toward him and Mulder threw up a hand in warning; "Don't. Let's just go to my place." He walked passed Krycek with eyes focused on a foggy horizon, still clutching his sweatshirt like a pacifier. Alex turned and trailed him.
ALEX SAT UNCOMFORTABLY on the desk chair while Mulder fixed some iced tea for them.
He remembers "feelings" he had for me. Well, at least I was right about that. He had wondered for years if his assumption about Mulder had been correct. At least he now knew that it wasn't wishful thinking.
"Here, Alex," said Mulder as he handed him the ice tea on the way to the couch.
"Thanks," Alex mumbled.
Mulder sat at the couch and seriously considered the glass in his hand. Alex couldn't catch an inkling of the twinkle that usually played in Mulder's eyes; it was just all-over seriousness and sadness.
"Fox." The sound of his first name caused Mulder's head to shoot up. "Fox, I didn't mean for things to go the way they did last night. It wasn't what I wanted."
"Well, it's what you got. What were you expecting? And, anyway, it's not like I wasn't an eager participant."
"But I think I wanted something else. It was hot and furious and I liked that. But I guess I wanted it to mean something."
"It meant something, Alex. I'm not sure what, yet."
"What did you mean about "remembering feelings" you had for me?" What is he thinking? I can't read him. His face is so fucking blank and his eyes dead. Mulder didn't respond immediately. He looked back into his tea, hoping it would offer some advice. His finger followed the ring of the rim around and around. "If you don't want to talk now, it's okay. Maybe this would be easier over the phone." With no response, Alex set his glass on the desk and rose to exit.
"No, Alex. Sit. This has to be done now." Alex sat on the floor, across the coffee table from Mulder. As Mulder lifted the icy glass to his lips, he studied the face of the criminal who sat on the floor before him. Alex was still beautiful. His beauty was no longer boyish but that of a man with history. Unfortunately, it made him all the more enticing. He lowered the glass to his lap. "You're still beautiful, even after all the hate I've felt in the ensuing years. I have no logic to protect myself from you. I don't even know you, really. But whatever I felt from you that day you reached out your hand to introduce yourself, whatever that was, it's only grown through the years. Not even murdering my father obliterated your hold on me. I should just hate you for that..that fixation. I should kill you for that alone." Mulder's face became flushed with anger. Almost as quickly, it faded into defeat. "I've never been able to kill you."
Alex studied him. Mulder's slumped shoulders were painful to see. "I don't want you to hate me, Fox. But I don't want you to be this empty shell before me. You'd be better off full of anger and disgust than to have no fight."
"I'm not empty. I am excruciatingly half-full with hate and love."
The word shocked Alex. His heart pounded in his head. It was what he had always wanted to hear but couldn't fathom the reality of it. He steadied his voice, "You said that you don't really know me. I imagine that what you do know is hard to swallow --"
"Of course, it is. Christ! I want to put a fucking bullet through my head. Do you understand?"
"Yes," spoke the lamb.
"I'm crazy. I've gone over the edge. And I fucking want to be there...over the edge."
"I want to be with you, Fox. Wherever you are."
"You don't know me, either."
"I know your integrity and your strength and drive. I knew many things about you from the Academy, before I'd gotten the opportunity to work with you. And I knew everything my bosses wanted me to know. But it was working with you that tied me up. And your beauty."
"What if I'd been ugly?"
"It's moot."
"If I'd been ugly, Alex, I'd be dead."
Alex reddened from shame. "Well, you weren't. That's what maintains the fucking population of every living thing, you know? Looks."
"We can't make babies, Alex. At the very least, one of us doesn't have ovaries."
This made Alex smile because it said so much. It was intimate in its own way. "So, Fox, am I still alive because of my beauty?"
Now it was Mulder's turn to redden. "Perhaps."
"Does it embarrass you to realize you are just an animal? No different from a bird or a monkey?"
"...or a grub, perchance?"
A long silence ensued as the two studied one another, considered their beauty, pondered their travails.
"I killed your father." Alex said it bluntly, colorlessly, remorselessly.
"I'm glad you did." The words were now part of the atmosphere. Mulder had released a great pain to the surrounding air.
Alex tried to remain calm, but found it hard to prevent an incredulous gasp from escaping. "Does that make it alright?"
"It's never "alright" to murder a person, Alex. It's even hard to accept killing in self-defense but at least that is defensible. But I hated my father. I still hate my father. That is one of the things that has kept me going, that and my desire to reveal his vile behavior. There are other things, but my anguish at his death was real. The child in me had lost his father in a horrible way. The man in me was grateful." Mulder stared at Krycek's stunned expression. "Do you think less of me now? Would you like to withdraw?"
"I'm surprised. Not that you two had problems. But I am taken aback by the depth of those feelings." Mulder had nothing to say and shrugged. "When did you become so overt with your sexuality?" Mulder looked perplexed. "The park last night? It seems so unlike you."
"It is, actually. I've been behaving clumsily for awhile. I think I've wanted to die."
Alex rose to his knees and leaned across the table. "Please, Fox. Don't."
"Then make things right for me, Alex. Make things right for us."
"Are you sure that's what you want?"
"I'm not sure of anything, Alex. Least of all, what I'm getting myself into."
"In matters of love, we should be held unaccountable for our feelings."
Mulder looked at him long and hard before he spoke. "There's not a chance of that happening among my colleagues. No one will understand what I'm doing with you and no one will -"
"Then let's not tell them," Alex interrupted, "or let's not even attempt this."
"Let's just hide and lie? Aren't you tired of that?"
"Everything I've done has created misery in your life. Even my loving you, and that's not what I want. Tell me to go and I will."
Mulder groaned in frustration. "Oh, shut up. Jesus. Don't you get it? I want you here. I want to harbor a criminal. And I want that criminal to fuck me blind. And I want to kiss his lips 'til they are red and swollen and tell him I love him. I am so fucked."
Alex rose tentatively from his seat on the floor and kneeled at Mulder's side on the couch. He put his arms around the lost soul and pulled him into his chest. Mulder's head was tucked lovingly under Alex's chin. "Fox, I want the same things you want, but it's going to cause you grief. I don't know how we would manage this. You're a Fed and I've just confessed to murder."
Alex suddenly found Mulder's hand over his mouth. "Don't, Alex. Let's not talk about what you are and what I am. Let's just love one another today and tomorrow we'll use our brains." Mulder leaned back and pulled Alex with him -- lips already beginning to swell.
MORNING
Time for brains.
Alex studied Mulder in profile by early light. He knew, with age, the nose would only get bigger. He didn't care, just as long as he could see it every morning. Mulder's pouty lower lip would probably always be a source of pleasure.
Mulder stirred, turning his face towards Alex, eyes slightly open. "Stunned by my beauty, are ya?"
Alex smiled broadly. "Just trying to etch it on my brain because when you're old, you're gonna be all nose."
"All nose and cock. You can put a bag over my head."
"Not on your life. I want to look in your eyes and suck on your mouth."
Mulder chuckled, "How 'bout suck on my cock and look at my asshole? If you keep fucking me like yesterday I'm gonna wind up in a diaper in the not-too-distant future."
Alex looked concerned. "Did I hurt you?"
Mulder leaned into Alex and kissed his mouth fully. "Relax. Jeez, I'll wind up with a rectum you can pass a tether ball through and you're gonna have worry lines Grandma Moses would envy."
"You know, Fox, I'd like to bottom sometimes, too. You ever fuck a guy?"
"Well, yeah. However, I like receiving..."
"Are you saying you won't fuck me?"
"No, no, no, Alex. I'll fuck you. I would love to fuck you. I yearn for the day when my hard cock passes through the ring of your sphincter."
"Good. Because I want to feel you inside of me. But we'll have to take it slow."
Mulder thought through Alex's last comment. "Alex? Are you a virgin?"
"My asshole is."
"Why?" Alex rolled to the edge of the bed and swung his feet to the floor. He remained silent as he sat with his back to Mulder. "Alex? You okay?"
"Yeah," he whispered. "I just never wanted anyone but you to do it."
Mulder sidled over to Alex and wrapped an arm around his torso, kissing his back. He let his hand rest on Alex's penis. "Thank you, Alex." Alex tensed slightly. "What's wrong?"
"This can't work, Fox. You stay with me and you'll knowingly be betraying everything you stand for and probably be breaking one law or another on top of it -- "
Alex stopped speaking as Mulder's hand encircled his balls. "It's finally tomorrow, Alex. Time for brains."
They showered together and lovingly washed one another. Even though each fondled the other, they didn't come; they just fondled and enjoyed the sensation.
Over breakfast they said little, but managed to smile a lot. The situation felt very domestic as they cleaned up the kitchen together. They were comfortable with each other. In the back of their minds they couldn't figure out why. Mulder pulled Alex into the living room and they sat on the couch. "It's time to talk, Alex. Don't look so glum."
"Can't help it...I don't feel good about this."
"I think we have to lay our cards on the table here, Alex."
"You don't want to see my hand, Fox."
"Well, let me look at the ones up your sleeve." Fox held his eyes on Alex's. "Can anything be worse than what I already know about?"
"You probably know less than you think you do. Does it get worse than me killing your father? I guess you'll have to be the judge of that. And...AND, will you have anything to tell me that can even equal what I'm going to spill to you? We both know I'm the bad guy here. What are you going to tell me? That you stole a Milky Way when you were eight?"
Mulder seemed to hold his breath and looked to have a million thoughts in his head, all dreadful. When he finally spoke, is was with a very even voice. "When I was seventeen, I stole a car and killed a woman in a hit and run."
Alex couldn't quite absorb what he had just been told. He felt as if he were trying to translate from Greek to Russian and then into rhyming English verse. "What?"
"I don't want to repeat that, Alex."
"I'm sorry, Fox. Did they put you in...? No, they couldn't have. You never would have made it into the FBI with that on your record."
"It was a hit..and..run. I ran. I was never caught."
Alex's eyes widened with realization. "Oh." The weight of Mulder's confession hung between them like the Berlin Wall. Somehow, because of the man that Mulder was -- the moral truth seeker, the fighter for justice -- Alex's murder of the vile William Mulder paled in comparison.
Fox held Alex's stare. "You are the only other person on this earth who knows."
Suddenly Alex understood the actuality of Fox's feelings for him. Suddenly Alex realized the faith Fox had in him. He didn't even know how to respond. What kind of hell had Mulder been in for the past 18 years? Not another soul on this planet knew of his great sin, his suffering. Mulder's miserable father, Samantha's abduction and this buried crime had probably been the things that put Mulder on the path he chose; the determination to run to the truth and, simultaneously run from it. "You were young and scared, Mulder."
"She was pregnant. She looked to be about 7 months along. I actually killed two people." Fox's eyes unfocused and he seemed to be gazing inward. "Two young people. Two generations with all the hope of the new world before them. I killed them and I didn't even have the humanity to acknowledge their lives by admitting my part in their deaths. You're not just the first person I've ever told about it, this is the first time I've ever uttered the words."
"I'm the only person you will ever tell about it, also. The only one, Fox. Do you understand?"
Mulder thought a moment then nodded. Alex would be his confessor. Alex would be his sin eater, devouring the flaws of Fox Mulder, making them his own. Alex would bear the weight of both their crimes, carrying them to his death. Alex was someone Fox would never hate or hurt again.
THEY TALKED THROUGH THE DAY and into the early evening. Tears fell, anguish burned the air, their histories fell like a billion particles of dust covering every inch of their immediate world. And when they were done talking, they knew it was only for the time being.
They looked worn and weary. A wry smile crawled across Krycek's face. "Are you the same guy I woke up with this morning? 'Cause if you are, I thought I had better taste in men."
"Hey, I'm the same guy, I'm just twenty years older than I was this morning," Mulder said. They both laughed.
"Funny. You're nose isn't any bigger. Maybe it won't be so bad."
Mulder rose on his knees and slowly fell onto Krycek. "You are the hottest thing I ever laid my eyes on. You are the sexiest, most beautiful, most exciting man -- no -- person I know. And you will never be able to get away from me. So don't try."
Krycek leaned back on the couch with Mulder atop him. "Well, enjoy me while you have me, 'cause I imagine Scully will shoot me when she finds out about us."
"Oh, God. Don't mention that name. She's the next horror I have to face."
Alex gently kissed Mulder and sucked his lush lower lip into his mouth. Reluctantly he released it. "Well, how long are we going to wait? I don't mind hiding out for awhile but, I must admit, the thought of tormenting her with our relationship makes me all gooey inside."
"You know, Alex, the government doesn't really have anything on you. It's all hearsay."
"I thought I was a known felon."
"No. Just a known pain in the ass. It's all hearsay and personal grudges. You haven't left a trail of warm and fuzzies in your wake."
"Yeah? Well, a lot of that shit they got was deserved. Everyone's been ready and willing to knock me around and ask questions later, if at all." Mulder silenced him with his mouth. His tongue smoothly slid between Alex's lips and tongue met tongue. Alex pulled his head back to break the connection. "I know what you're doing."
"What are you - ?"
"You're trying to shut me up. And you think I'm a slut so you think you can do it with sex."
"Well, aren't you?"
Alex laughed heartily. "You bitch."
"Your bitch."
THE NEXT MORNING Fox was very reluctant to dress for work and leave Alex behind. Alex was truly a whole part of him. He was Mulder's legs, or his arms. He was definitely his heart.
"Get moving, Fox. We don't want any of your concerned fans tracking you down just to find you in the arms of your worst enemy."
"What are you gonna do?"
"You mean without you?"
"No. Well, yeah."
"I'm going to pine away. Then I'm going to take a shower and tend to my future peace."
Mulder didn't like the sound of that. "What do you mean?"
"Don't worry about me. You take care of things on your end and let me deal with my `other' life."
"Alex, it sounds dangerous. And you are one of the things on "my end". Don't get killed now."
Alex slipped his arms under Mulder's suit coat and around his waist. Ever so gently he kissed his cheeks. He nestled his face in Mulder's neck and spoke, his warm breath softly heating a spot on Mulder's crisp shirt. "I won't. Some part of me will die, though. But don't grieve for him."
Mulder cocked his head. "Sounds cryptic."
"Riddles and enigmas, Fox. Riddles and enigmas." Alex kissed him voraciously; it was a lengthy kiss. When it ended they both gasped for air. "I don't want you to forget about me."
"Not a chance. Every time I sit I will be jolted by thoughts of you."
EVERYTHING went so smoothly, Alex couldn't help but smile to himself. He was the best and he knew it. Sitting across from the expressionless CSM, he tried to clear his mind. The man was always expressionless, but he was no fool. He was brilliant and frightening. The man's mind was always working, always on overdrive under the calm faade.
"So, Alex. My beautiful Alex. How are things proceeding?"
"As planned."
"You mean, our suffering reynard has succumbed?"
"I assumed you would have known." Chum the waters.
"I trust you explicitly, Alex. I feel no need to monitor you or Agent Mulder. You have earned a special place in my heart." He tapped the area on his chest where his heart should be. With the other hand, he placed the soggy end of a cigarette in his mouth and inhaled deeply. "I miss these opportunities, you and I talking. I miss the chance of seeing you." Alex blushed deeply, dipping his head slightly so he could look at the man through the screen of his lush lashes. "You are a devil, my boy. So, when will you break his heart?"
"Soon. It's got to happen while he's at the height of his passion. It will make the tumble so much more..effective. I just wish.."
"What? You have reservations."
"No. It's nothing." Alex noticed the CSM slightly raise an eyebrow. "It's just that sometimes I actually feel sorry for the guy."
The eyebrow lowered. Another deep inhale of smoke exhaled as he spoke. "You've gone soft, Alex."
"I don't think that's a fair judgment. I may be an animal to you, but I am actually a human being." Alex let an edge of distaste seep into his voice. "Mulder's been my pet project for so long, you can't expect some kind of attachment not to have developed."
"Attachment. That's not a good word Alex."
Alex spoke vehemently. "I'm sure it's not a word that's even in your range of feelings."
"Alex, Alex," he said in soothing tones, "this is disappointing. You are resorting to base insults. You're worse than soft. You've become petty. Pettiness indicates all loss of self control. Your judgment has failed. Oh, my, Alex. Have you fallen in love?"
Alex's eyes grew wide and his eyes darted from side to side. A slight twitch gnawed at his right cheek. "I don't know the word. I think you've reminded me of that through the years, several times."
"My poor boy. You found something you've always wanted and in the most unlikely of places. Your prey has brought down the predator."
"I'm not down," yelled Alex. "I can do my job just fine. Remember? I am the soulless beast that does your bidding."
The CSM snuffed out his cigarette and immediately reached for the pack on his desk. Alex watched him unwaveringly as his hand reached for the pack only to find it empty. It sickened Alex to see the man's dependence on such a foul habit and it registered on his face.
"Alex, your distaste for me is showing. I have this one little vice. Surely it is equal to one of yours." He crushed the empty package and threw it into the trash can under his desk. When his hand came back into view, it held a gun that was pointed directly at Alex. Alex was startled by how smooth the maneuver was. "For the rest of my life I shall miss this opportunity of seeing you. Your beauty revived me...often. I don't even have a picture." The silencer spit out its deadly pellet and Alex Krycek's beauty became a memory.
MULDER SAT AT HIS DESK trying to concentrate on his job, but Alex was on his mind. Good thoughts and concerned.
"Mulder, if you twist that pencil anymore it will burst into flames from the friction."
"Huh?"
"Where are you today?"
"Didn't sleep well, Scully. Finding it hard to concentrate."
She didn't buy it. "You never sleep well, so I doubt that's the issue. What's up?"
"Oh, just....nothing."
She sighed. "Okay, maybe I can squeeze another three words out of you later." She went back to the case file she was reading.
Mulder swung his chair around to face the poster behind him. "I want to believe" he thought to himself. But what was it he wanted to believe? He knew he believed in Alex Krycek because he told him the most hateful, pitiful and painful secret of his life. Alex was not a question. Alex was an answer. Did he want to believe in aliens? He did believe in aliens. He wanted Scully to believe in aliens. Did he want to believe in the trustworthiness of the Bureau and of the American Government in general? Yes, he did want that but it wasn't in the forecast. Perhaps he just wanted to believe in himself. He was a pretender and the biggest pretense was his faith in himself. Could he actually be what Alex thought him to be?
His introspective interlude was broken by the ring of the phone and Scully answering it. "Scully. Yes, Assistant Director...what? When did this happen?....Where was he found?...Yes, yes, we'll be right up." She returned the phone to its cradle. "Well, you won't believe this."
Mulder swung his chair around to face her. "What?"
"Alex Krycek has been found."
Mulder's heart raced. Not now, he thought. We're not ready to go public with this. "Uh, when...where?"
"About an hour ago. He's been murdered." Like a sudden ocular trauma, Mulder was looking through a long black pipe and Scully's face, minute, was visible at the other end. "Mulder? Mulder?" Her voice sounded so far away, small and tight. "Mulder, what's the matter?"
"Where is he?"
"His body is being brought here since we've had such a long-running investigation involving him."
Mulder rose like an automaton and moved to the door. "I'm going to the morgue."
"Skinner wants us in his office, now."
Speaking in monotone, Mulder continued his exit, "I'm going to the morgue."
MULDER SAT IN THE DARKNESS of his apartment unable to move from his place on the couch. Four days had passed since Alex was brought in. Scully had performed the autopsy and a little bit of Mulder hated her for cutting him open, defacing his beauty. "He's dead, Scully. Isn't that enough? I can see where the bullet went into his head. He's dead. It was a bullet." He would always remember the look on her face as she reacted to his angry tone. Maybe some day he could forgive her. Maybe some day he would tell her why he was angry. He was angered even more by her confrontational attitude regarding the burial.
The surprise spewed from her mouth. "You're paying for his funeral? Why? You just want to make sure he's actually dead and buried?"
"I'm not looking for your input, Scully. I'm not even asking you to attend the service. In fact, I'm asking you to NOT attend." His words had shaken her. He was glad.
He was angrier still at Skinner who practically gloated over the death. "Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy." Mulder's stomach turned when he heard that. He had almost seen a smile on Skinner's face.
The service, which Mulder faced with dread, actually turned out to be a reaffirmation of his faith in Alex Krycek. At first he was taken aback by the number of people who showed up. Fifty-two. Ninety percent of them spoke about a man they had loved dearly; a "great and caring friend," "a good Samaritan," "a funny guy whose humor would be missed yet always remembered." There were many reasons to love Alex Krycek. There were actually reasons to celebrate his life.
Mulder wondered if any of them knew him as he knew him. There were plenty of men among the mourners, yet not one of them spoke of that particular aspect of a relationship. Mulder found himself rising and walking to stand by the coffin. He placed a hand on the box that held the man he loved and slowly raised his head to face the room of strangers.
"I am, quite honestly, stunned by the number of people here. I didn't even know Alex had friends. The only people I knew who knew Alex...they all hated him. Even me." Some of the unknown faces leaned in to one another and whispered. "Listening to all of you today, though, has reinforced what I discovered almost too late, what I learned about him. Alex was huge in spirit and heart. Alex bore huge pain, also. Immense longing kept him moving in many directions and some of those paths were wrong. Alex failed himself many times in large and small ways. But I'm happy to hear that he succeeded with you. I hope he knew the depth of his affect on you. I hope you were able to tell him." The shakiness of tragedy began to creep into his voice. "I did. I did after many years of hating him and berating him. I was finally able to tell him that...I...," as Mulder recognized a face in the crowd, "loved him. With all of me I loved him. And I told him. I couldn't not tell him. And I want the words to be heard by someone other than the two of us." Mulder gestured to the coffin. "I want the words to travel on waves of sound into space and eternity." He looked directly at Scully as his voice cracked and sobbed. "The last thing Alex said to me was `I don't want you to forget about me'. I won't. Not ever." He tried to speak again but the words were trapped in the pain. He returned to his seat. As someone else rose to speak, he found Scully sitting beside him. She took one of his hands and held it in hers.
"Mulder, I won't say that I'm not completely and utterly confused by what's happening." She placed her hand behind his neck and pulled them together forehead-to-forehead. "But I'm sorry for what you're going through now. I hope you can tell me about it some day." He nodded, causing both their heads to nod in unison.
"Scully, will you come to the graveside with me?"
"Yes."
"Thanks."
THINGS WERE FINE at the graveside until Mulder saw a man in the distance, leaning against a car, who ignited a fiery rage in him. He launched from the mourners and hurled himself at him, smashing both of them up against the car. Mulder grabbed him with both hands by the shoulders of his coat and pressed into his face. "You fucking coward! You bastard!"
"Agent Mulder, Agent," said the CSM intensely, still clutching his cigarette.
"I know it was you. Alex was taking care of business that morning and I know you were part of it. You filthy, fucking bastard."
The man smoothly placed the burning end of his cigarette into Mulder's face.
"Ah! Jesus!."
In the time it took Mulder to recoil and pounce again, he found a gun drawn on him. Scully came running up behind and pulled her gun on the CSM. "Drop it! Put down the gun."
"Agent Scully," came the unctuous voice, "I'm simply trying to defend myself against this rogue agent. He attacked me. Surely you saw it."
"I said put the gun down." Scully's cold steel voice was not to be ignored.
He lowered the gun, replacing it in his pocket. "I have a license. Would you like to see it? I'm sure you know I'm above reproach."
Mulder lunged at him but was intercepted by a hard fist to his gut. He buckled to his knees, the wind knocked out of him. "Stand back, Spender. NOW!"
"What a gross lack of civility on such a somber occasion. It hardly pays homage to the deceased."
Mulder screamed at him, "Just shut up you sick fuck!"
"Agent Mulder," came the reprimanding voice of Scully. "Fall back." Mulder turned his head sideways to look at her. He was disbelieving. "You heard me! Back."
Mulder rose slowly, brushing off his knees as he stood. He squared of with the CSM and back-stepped to a couple of paces behind Scully. "Let him go," he said.
"But Mulder - ."
"Let him go, Scully. I'll deal with him later."
"Agent Scully, I'd advise you to keep your dog on a leash or get a hole dug next to his master." Spender pointed towards Alex's grave.
"That sounds like a direct threat to an agent of - ."
"Spare me, Agent Scully. FBI prattle is fatiguing." He immediately stepped into his car and drove away.
Scully replaced her gun and turned to Mulder. "What was that all about?"
"He murdered Alex."
"Do you have proof, Mulder?"
"Yes. I know he murdered Alex."
"Knowing and having proof are miles apart. Don't get sloppy now, Mulder. If you really believe this, then you've got to take the time and gather the evidence."
"There is no evidence, Scully. Some crimes leave no trails. I know."
Mulder returned to the graveside. Scully stood still. She no longer knew what to do. She didn't know who Fox Mulder was anymore. Her shelter from the storm was tumbling down.
TWO MONTHS HAD PASSED since Alex's death. Life went on as expected. Time and fate would have it no other way. But Mulder was slow to recover. He pursued his work but with much less fervor. He spoke little. He never rocked the boat. He pulled away from Scully day by day. In his mind he plotted the death of Alex's murderer. He thought about it constantly and soon came to realize that his fantasies of the bastard's extermination were ultimately more satisfying than the actual act would be. He could make the man scream as loudly and as often as he wanted him to. He could imagine buckets of blood. He could find comfort in his daily torture.
His fantasies and his running were the two things that he devoted excessive energy to. In fact, he was happiest when he could run and torture the sick fuck at the same time. Run until he thought his lungs would shred. Run until he blew out his aorta. Run and fantasize himself unto death.
The running also brought him closer to Alex. He would always remember their run together on that fateful night. Painful and joyous night. So on this early evening as he ran, he ignored the two other runners there and concentrated on Alex. Alex's lips. Alex's smile. Alex's ass. That made him smile. Soon one of the other runners, a blondish, bearded man fell in stride with him about 10 feet to his left. A tall, strong man with longish hair. He was a distraction because he kept drifting close then drifting out again....over and over. He kept stride with Mulder but kept altering their parallel distance. Mulder slowed a bit. In response, the blond man slowed. Mulder sped up and the man sped up in turn. Some kind of competition, thought Mulder. "I want no part of it." He slowed down to such a speed that if the other man slowed, the cockfight would have been embarrassingly obvious. The other man didn't slow down. Instead, he tripped, tumbling to the ground and rolling a couple of times, landing face down. Mulder laughed once. It was the first time in two months. There was something satisfying in seeing the mighty fall. But as Mulder passed the stretched out body, he noticed the man wasn't moving. "Oh, Christ. Guess I should help." So he backtracked and ran in place beside the man.
"Hey, buddy. You okay?" queried Mulder. There was no response. "Want me to call you an ambulance?" Still no response. Mulder dropped to his knees and leaned his face to the man. All he could see was his right cheek. It was a nice cheek. Nice bone structure. Mulder placed a hand on the man's shoulder and jostled him a bit, then he felt for a pulse on his neck. Yes, there was blood coursing through his veins. He must be stunned, thought Mulder.
Slowly the blond man raised his head and pushed himself up to rest on his elbows. He didn't look up at Mulder when he spoke. "You aren't coming on to me, are you?"
Startled, Mulder replied, "Hell no. You fell. I just wanted..." Mulder's voice ceased to exist. He trembled at the memory those words aroused. It was enough to knock him on his ass. He laid his head to his knees and cried.
Slowly the blond man's hand reached out to Mulder and wrapped around his ankle. "I'm sorry, Fox. It was the only way I could think of to bury the villain and give us a chance. I couldn't let you know. It had to be as real to you as it was to that cancer-riddled bastard."
One of Mulder's hands dropped to cover the one wrapped around his ankle. They both cried. Mulder's words were muffled. "I saw you dead, Alex. I saw Scully cut your head open and remove the bullet. I put dirt in your grave. Who are you?"
"I'm Adam Williams now. Alex had to die."
"I saw you. I saw you dead."
"Think Fox. It's so obvious. I told you that last morning that some part of me would die and not to grieve for him. Riddles and enigmas. I wanted to give you something to fall back on...some hint. But I couldn't tell you exactly what I was going to do."
"He was your clone."
Alex sat up and faced Mulder. "Yes. My clone."
"How did you get him to..to."
"I just used the same techniques those bastards used on me for all those years. It's been a plan-in-waiting. It wasn't easy though. It was sad and it's nothing I want to think about. Not ever again. It was murder plain and simple. Self defense in a very round about way. But much closer to murder."
Mulder finally lifted his head to look into the face he thought he would never see again. "I don't want you blond. I don't want you bearded."
"Then I'll leave," he said, with no indication of going.
"No," came Mulder's response, rushing out. "Never again." Mulder rose to his knees and wrapped his arms around Alex's neck. "I just wanted to die."
Alex then rose to his knees and cradled Mulder's face between his hands. "I knew I was hurting you. But I had to give it time. I had to let Alex fade a bit in that bastard's mind."
Their lips met, not in an impassioned clutch of throbbing tongues, but in what was probably the most gentle, loving kiss ever shared by two living creatures. That's how Mulder would always remember it.
"It's getting dark and kind of chilly, Fox. Let's go home."
They stood together and walked with an arm slung over the other's shoulder. "We had a nice funeral for you. I didn't realize you had so many friends. Actually, I didn't know you had any friends." Alex stopped and pulled away a little, giving Mulder an incredulous look. "Well, Jeez, Alex. Who would have known?"
"I see my death hasn't changed you much. You're still a bitch. At least you're my bitch. And you'd better start calling me Adam." They started to walk again, arm in arm. "Do you think my disguise works?"
"Not on real close inspection, but it's pretty passable. I guess you make a sexy blond. The beard is kind of sexy, too. I like your hair long. Makes you look sort of, oh, roguish. I'll get used to it. Truth is, I'd take you bald with a ring through your nose."
"I don't think that's gonna happen. I'm not quite the 'Oy, skinhead' type."
"Oh, I don't know, Adam, that turns me on, I think."
"Right, Fox. The Fibbie and the Skinhead. Sounds like a new Fox TV series."
"Nah, it's more the WB...maybe PAX!"
"Fox, I have a special favor to ask. Something I want from you...tonight."
"You name it, it's yours."
They stopped and Alex placed his lips against Fox's neck, near his ear, and whispered, "I want you to fuck me tonight. I want you inside me. I need to feel you in me, overwhelming me. Can you do that for me, Fox?"
"For you..I can do anything for you."
IT WAS FREEZING the morning they stood together by Alex Krycek's grave. It was the first time they had visited. Fox was startled to see the headstone which he hadn't dealt with until a month after the burial. He hadn't known what to put on it, not until he sat through the service. Adam kneeled by the grave to read the inscription.
Fox was a little uncomfortable. He was even a little embarrassed that Adam was reading the inscription meant for him. "I didn't know a birth date," Fox stammered.
"It's perfect, Fox."
ALEX KRYCEK
b. Yesterday
I will not forget you.
- Fox Mulder - Alex, the original, placed a hand on the frozen earthen mound. "I'm sorry, Alex. I did not do right by you. The rest of my life and all of my joy will be because of your death. I will not forget you." He stood in silence for a minute. He looked to Fox as water welled-up in his eyes. "I think this is the one guilt I may never recover from."
Fox held the handsome blond man to his chest and rocked him gently. "Let me eat your sins, Adam." He looked quizzically at Mulder. "It's part of the deal. You don't stand alone with sin, you know. You have mine and I want yours."
They kissed over the grave of Alex Krycek. Long live Alex Krycek.
End
Title: For Love's Sake
Author: Ivskn [email/website]
Details: Standalone | R | 71k | 04/19/08
Pairings: Mulder/Krycek
Category: Drama, Romance, Relationship, Angst
Summary: The painful truth. Fox and Krycek submit themselves to eachother finally.
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