Title: Hansel and Gretel, the X-File Version

Author/Pseudonym: Ursula

Fandom: X Files

Pairing: M/K/SK

Rating: R

Status: Finished

Date Posted: 7-22-02

Archive: Full House

E-mail address for feedback: Fan4Richie or Ursula4X@aol.com

Classification: Fantasy Humor

Series/Sequel: Is this story part of a series: Ursula's Fairy Tales

Web Site:

Disclaimers: The X-Files characters belong to whoever bought them after Carter was done with them.

Notes: Written for Ines, a list mate from another list.

Warnings: Puns, humor, silliness, and dialog with the writer

Time Frame: Once upon a time

Hansel and Gretel: The X Files Version

The Assistant Director stared remorselessly into AD Skinner's eyes. "We can't afford to keep Mulder one moment longer. The cupboard is bare, my friend. You have to do it."

"But, Kersh, he's my best agent," Skinner said.

The laughter died out after several minutes. The assistant director wiped his glasses and said, "Do the right thing, Skinner. It's Mulder and his partner or I have to fire the critical response team."

Head hanging, Walter walked down to Mulder's basement office. Mulder was still dressed in the short pants and white embroidered shirt that he had been forced to wear on his recent undercover assignment in a Bavarian restaurant. Agent Krycek waved tentatively as he crawled out from beneath the desk.

"Here's the staple remover, Agent Mulder," Krycek chirped.

Ignoring the sound of a zipper going up, AD Skinner said, "Your next assignment is deep cover in the Black Forest. Get ready. You'll need Deep Woods Off."

Skinner took a deep breath. The director had said, 'Mulder and his partner.' Krycek was Mulder's current partner. At least, Agent Scully would be spared.

Krycek dropped the staple remover and leaned down to pick it up. His petite green shorts rode up over the round thighs and the ripe globes of that wonderful ass were nearly exposed to Skinner's enraptured eyes. Mulder leaned down at the same time so Skinner had the tempting view of a lifetime.

Damn it was the waste of two great asses!

OooOooO

Adjusting the forest green shorts, Mulder said, "I can't believe Skinner found a new assignment that also required this costume. How much cheaper can the department get?"

"Don't ask, this wig is a dyed yellow mop head, a used one at that. Not only that but the mop was dyed with the remains of yellow markers and the hair ribbons are used typewriter ribbons. Gretel? I'm supposed to be some German dame named Gretel?" Krycek grouched.

"You look cute," Mulder offered. "C'mere. We have to hold hands and skip or we'll be out of character."

"Shit, and I could have been a talent agent," Alex said, before taking Mulder's hand. "Hey, you better leave a trail of sunflower seeds so we don't get lost."

"Good idea," replied Mulder, sacrificing his giant pack of seeds to leave a trail behind them.

OooOooO

A few hours later, Mulder looked back at the tangle of deer paths and said, "Alex, something's taken the sunflower seeds."

"Man, I'd have thought they would at least leave the shells!" Alex said.

"Not a trace," Mulder mourned. "Maybe we can track our footprints?"

A strong wind blew puffs of leaves and dirt in random swirls over the floor of the forest. Shaking his head, Mulder watched all traces of them blown away. He planned to be cheerful for Krycek's sake; after all, Alex was a very junior agent. However as Alex saw what had happened, his tiny chin quivered, his green eyes filled with tears. He sat down and sobbed.

Of course, Mulder felt guilty and responsible for his junior agent's distress. He sat down and put his arms around him to comfort him. Alex offered his lips for a kiss and Mulder took the opportunity to taste the sweet plump lips.

Sighing, Mulder kissed Alex deeply, stopping only to say, "If only we had lube..."

Quick as a wink, Alex produced a handful of packets of lube and condoms. "I was a Boy Scout," he said.

"Eh, I don't think I want to think about that one," Mulder said. Still, being prepared was a good thing.

Soon the poor lost little agents were comforting each other with such vim and vigor that the pack of wolves that had been chasing Red Riding Hood was frightened away. The troll under the bridge forgot about eating the Billy Goat Gruff and scurried away to spam e-mail groups with as vivid description of what he heard. Jack be Nimble fell right on his candlestick and waxed most wroth. All in all, chaos fell over the land.

OooOooO

Meanwhile, AD Skinner, disheartened, could think of nothing but his poor little agents lost in the wood. No matter how Assistant Director Kersh assured him that he had done the right thing, it was no comfort. He was sure it would have been better to make some sacrifices rather than just abandon expensive agents in the dark, dark woods of the Black Forest.

As Skinner shook his head in woe, Scully marched in and said, "Sir, I have to protest this latest budget measure. Did you know that Kersh has me working as a butcher on call? I keep getting called away from teaching pathology to trim someone's steak to order. Another thing! Where is Agent Mulder? I went down to ask him what he did with my bustier he borrowed and his office has been replaced with a McDonald's express. As soon as I finished my cheeseburger, I came right here to ask you where Mulder's office is now."

"He's been terminated," AD Skinner said, "I lost him."

"Well, do something!" Scully said. After a moment, she squared her suit-clad shoulders. (Damn, shoulder pads kept slipping down and making it look as if she had a third boob growing in the hollow of her clavicle.) With a brisk clatter of her sensible heels, Scully said, "I'm going right down to Lost and Found and file a report. There, someone has to take decisive action!"

As Scully marched off, Skinner decided he had better gird his loins for battle. As he struggled into the tight girdle, that resolved his last doubt. Ever since Kersh had remodeled the FBI gym into a commercial roller skating rink, Skinner had been gaining weight. His love handles would have held up an entire set of Samsonite luggage. It was the end. He couldn't take any more of these horrible budget cuts.

Opening up the FBI intercom, Skinner shouted, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. AD Kersh, you can take this job and shove it. I'm going to save Mulder and his little junior agent too."

Glaring at CSM Spender who was trying to nap in a visitor's chair, Skinner said, "As for you, you can pucker up and kiss my ass."

At this last salient point, Skinner had to flee to keep his virtue with Spender in hot pursuit. It turned out that Spender thought that was a come on and, boy, was he coming on!

"Just hang on, Mulder, I'm going to save you," Skinner vowed, knowing that Ursula was writing down everything he said and would get the message of hope to Mulder and Krycek.

OooOooO

Meanwhile...

After three days of wandering, Mulder and Krycek were getting very hungry. They had become so desperate for food that they ate the chocolate and peppermint flavored lube. That left them with only the jasmine, lemon, and sunflower packets. It approached near tragic levels of deprivation.

As they stumbled into a clearing, Alex nearly fell, faint with near starvation. He murmured, "More caviar, Mulder. I need caviar."

"Sorry, kid, I don't think I could get it up to oblige," Mulder said. "Buck up, look, there's a house in the distance."

Heartened by Mulder's words, Alex staggered to his feet and they stumbled a few feet closer to what they hope was their salvation.

As they came closer to the house, it was apparent that this was a very unusual house. At first, Mulder thought it was the German version of Disneyland, but as they stepped closer, he saw that it was real.

"Look at that, a graham cracker house with sunflower seed roof and Toblerone Chocolate window sills. The windows are made of transparent lollipops!" Alex cried with delight.

"It's not polite to eat someone's house," Mulder said.

"Fgghhuh tthaeh," Alex mumbled, from a mouth stuffed with chocolate.

Well, Alex had a point, Mulder wrenched off a piece of sunflower studded roof and stuffed it into his mouth. When he was thirsty, he pried off an ornament made of edible wax and bit off the lid to empty the soda into his mouth. There was no more conversation just the steady sound of two hungry men devouring sweets.

Window frames made of Heringe were chewed with abandon. Sills were stripped of jelly Katjes. The Lebkuchen that added variety to the roof were filling delights to the palate. The two agents might have eaten themselves sick if the furious emergence of a witch like woman hadn't stopped them.

In point of fact, the witch-like creature looked a lot like Diana Fowley with a carrot stuck to her nose and a fright wig over her smooth coif. The creature said, "Nibble, nibble, gnaw, who is nibbling on my little house."

Aside, Fowley added, "Who writes this stuff? Am I going kick my agent's butt for booking me in one of Ursula's stories! The woman is demented."

"It's just the wind," Mulder said, breaking some as he spoke.

A through professional, Fowley accepted that and went back in her diabetic nightmare of a house. Mulder grabbed a thick slice of sachertorte off the side of the house and Fowley instantly popped back.

Womanfully, Fowley stumbled through the rest of her hackneyed lines. "Oh, dear little children... I mean, dear little agents, who has brought you here? Was it an evil Carter? Come into my house and I will make you a lovely dinner. You will sleep in a vibrating heart shaped bed with visions of flavored lubes dancing in your heads."

Although Mulder did wonder what his former squeeze was doing here, he was on too much of a sugar high to ponder for long. He grabbed Krycek and dragged him into the house.

That night, the two agents made love in the wonderful bed, waking sore and happy as two men could be.

Alas, Fowley was no friend although it wasn't her fault. The script made her do it.

Soon, the wicked witch invited Mulder out to check some mysterious stone carvings in her stable. When he obeyed, ditching Alex, she locked him into the dark and foreboding (TM of Dark, Foreboding, and Schmaltz Architects) stable.

Swiftly, Fowley drugged Alex's hot chocolate. When he woke he wore nothing but a lacy apron the size of a handkerchief and chains, lots and lots of chains. To make it worse, Fowley had infected him with nanobytes and he had to do her every bidding. Boy, did she have a lot of bidding.

Every day, poor Alex, who was hardly given a scrap to eat, was forced to carry out lush, fattening foods to Mulder.

Every day, the witch, who should have worn glasses would say, "Mulder, Mulder, stick out your finger so I may see if you are fat enough to eat."

Mulder stuck out a chicken bone instead so the near-sighted witch thought he was not thriving at all. She was very puzzled and continued her fattening diet to make him plump and luscious for the dinner table. I guess she had never heard of low fat diets.

To keep Mulder from wasting entirely away, Fowley allowed Alex to make one unsupervised visit a day. On these visits, Alex would whisper, "Mulder, beautiful Mulder, stick out your fat cock so I can make your world rock."

Swiftly, Mulder would comply and they would have oral sex before Alex had to go back to his toils.

This went on for days until the sneaky wicked witch went on the net and hacked into Ursula's word program, finding out how she was tricked.

Cackling like a hen laying a feathered egg, Fowley rushed out and imitated Krycek's voice. "Mulder, sweet Mulder, stick out your plump and famous dick so that its lovely length I can lick."

Mulder thought Alex's voice sounded a little strange, but he was horny and bored so he complied.

Quickly, Fowley said, "Ah ha, it's true. Just as Ursula wrote, you were pulling one over on me. Now I shall cook you and eat you up."

"Damn Ursula! I told her to get a better firewall. I knew eventually one of our enemies would hack into her computer and find out the plot before the story was finished," Mulder said. He could do nothing but mourn the end of his sex life.

Alex was also weeping as he was forced to fill an immense cauldron of fat for frying Mulder. Alex's life was spared as Russian food disagreed with the wicked witch. She had once eaten several members of the last royal family and found them full of stones as well as being so raw they might as well have been Tzar Tartars.

Just as the wicked witch was about to treat Mulder like a Cajun Turkey, Walter Skinner burst into the candy hut. The days of searching, led only by the trail of condoms and empty lube packages, had slimmed Walter down to his sexiest lean and manly shape. Brushing aside the branches in his path and breaking up stag parties had torn his white shirt until it hung in shreds over his rippling muscles. The remains of his tie dangled about his pillar like neck and his pants were ripped, exposing his tighty-whities. His briefs were still white and immaculate, as Walter never left home without his brief case.

Having rescued a tin woodsman from rusty immobility with an abandoned lube packet, Walter had been given his ax as a reward. With this mighty instrument, Walter stunned the witch and the three of them shoved her into the oven. Wow, that was a real celebrity roast!

Mulder clung to Walter's strong shoulders and said, "My hero, you saved me."

Alex meant to pat Walter's straining thews but he couldn't for the life of him remember what part of the body had them so he contented himself with copping a prolonged feel of Walter's ass.

"Now what?" asked Mulder. "Shall we go back to the FBI?"

Just then, Alex discovered Fowley's computer, still open to Ursula's documents. He read swiftly and fell into a faint. Mulder rushed to succor...

(Excuse me a bit...Mulder, that was succor...s.u.c.c.o.r. Not suck him.)

Hmm, well that roused Alex effectively after all.

Walter read the story summary that horrified Alex. Read a little further and said, "That does it. They can find another patsy. I think we shall stay here. We'll build a nice cabin and open a little candy factory."

Confessing the truth about Kersh's scheme to abandon Mulder and Krycek, Walter stood humbled before Mulder, waiting to be punished.

Not to disappoint him, Mulder said, "Take off Walter's pants, Alex. And stop drooling. Walter was a very bad boy and deserves a spanking."

Pausing long enough for everyone with a web cam to get a shot of Walter's tight ass, Alex bared the apex of posteriors for Mulder's attentions.

Pulling Walter over his knee, Mulder used a spachtel to a great effect. Soon a pattern of square impressions waffled Walter's buns. The outlines slowly joined until Walter's white cheeks bloomed like roses. Mulder moved to his bare hand all the better to appreciate the heat rising from the shapely ass. The sting of his hand on the firm flesh felt wonderful. He spanked until he was almost as sore as Walter.

Alex devoted his time to wiping and replacing Walter's wire rims and endeavoring to kiss each spank better, occasionally taking a Mulder clout in the confusion. However, he didn't seem to mind being bitch-slapped. He took it all in stride.

Finally, Mulder and Alex took to the heart-shaped bed to comfort Walter. They comforted him so well that they all had to sleep in most of the next day. When they woke up, the self-cleaning oven had taken care of Fowley and there was nothing left to do but build the candy factory.

There was much baring of torsos, and sweating male bodies. Life was good indeed.

Soon the candy factory was built.

Life was very sweet and they lived happily ever after just as fairy tales should end.

(Stay tuned to this channel for the tale of Mulder, the boy with a woody, and his faithful companion, Jimmy Krycek)

The End
 

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