Starlight

by Spookystarbuck


Title: Watching

Author: Spookystarbuck

Summary: Someone's watching from the street.

Pairing: Mulder/Krycek

Category: Pre-slash/UST, Angst

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Not mine. Chris Carter owns them.

Spoilers: Assume all Krycek episodes.

The only light coming from his apartment tonight is the soft glow of the television combined with the even softer illumination of his fish tank. And if I'm right, then the sound will be muted as well. I can almost see him twitching and jerking in his sleep on that beaten down leather couch. I wonder if he ever truly sleeps, perhaps the way he once did before They came and shattered his life. They left him changed that night and I'm not sure that there's anything anybody can do to bring him peace again.

I'm reclined back in my car, keeping one eye on his apartment and one eye on the sky. So many stars out tonight. A faint childhood memory slips out before I even realize it. I find myself mumbling the words "?starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight?" I let the sentence trail off as a small image envelops my mind. Mama kneeling down in front of me and brushing my hair out of my eyes while whispering that song as if it were a prayer. Mama, with her eyes so green like mine. I can almost smell the mixed scent of her perfume and the laundry detergent swirling around my nose. Every night before bed she would lay me down and whisper it in my ear. I hear it again, barely there in my ear.

"Good night Alexei"

"Good night Mama"

Then she would start the song softly in my ear brushing the curls back from my forehead. She seemed so serious all the time. I suppose she was pretty good at hiding how bad things were for us here in the America. I'm surprised to find myself thinking about my mother. I hadn't spoken those words aloud in almost twenty years.

Movement catches my eye and I'm pulled out my reverie. Something's up in the Mulder household. I grab my binoculars and attempt to blend with the shadows in the car. He's moving around in the living room. Looks like he's rubbing his face. So he was sleeping. Mulder begins to shuffle through some papers on that excuse for a desk of his. He flips through them for a few moments, and then he pulls one loose. I squint my eyes wishing I could see the fine detail on the paper. He looks at it for some time then he places it back on the desk and begins to pace. I can hear the wheels turning in his head, that brilliant mind of his. His bizarre way of thinking is just one of the many things that I admire about a certain Fox Mulder. Not that I don't admire his physical attributes but still the man has a beautiful brain.

I decide to get a closer look, which means leaving the safety of the car. I weigh the options quickly.

"If Mulder sees me" I murmur, letting the sentence hang. I know exactly what will happen should Mulder spot me. The usual toss me around-did you kill my father-punch in the stomach-slap in the face antics that usually occur while I?m in the vicinity of Mulder. I would give almost anything to touch him just once with no violence. Just for the chance to see something in his eyes other than hate and disgust.

I glance up at the stars again. They seemed to have multiplied during the course of Mulder's pacing. I need the chance to talk to Mulder. I have to get up there and talk to him. I know that if I don't take this chance there might be another. I just want to tell him that I love him. That I always have and always will. And God willing maybe even escape from his apartment alive. One eye is on his apartment and another on the stars.

"Mama, give me strength. Please."

I find myself whispering to the stars, almost waiting for an answer. I begin to speak in Russian softly, prepping myself for the trip upstairs. Then before I realize what I am saying, the words change back to English and the prayer becomes a song.

"Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight."

I can almost feel the strength pushing into me and I make my wish. I pour my heart into the wish and desperately hope against all other hopes that this one will come true. As I slid out of the car, I begin to mumble his name. A new prayer, a litany to keep me sane my light when the other lights fail.

"Fox. Fox. Fox."
 

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