One martini, two martini, three martini, floor

by laurel

Warning: Slash sex, straight sex, kinky sex (it involves a prosthetic limb, you have been warned!), and drunken debauchery among other illegal and immoral behavior. If you have a delicate sensibility and object to any of these things, then why are you reading this smut?!

No offense to dog lovers, housewives or television spies. I've heard that a couple of Appletini martinis are the limit. One day I will find that out for myself. Also I'd do Keller in a New York (or any other geographical location) minute.

Notes: part of the foursome universe. This one follows in order of appearance: a Christmas wish, a new love, that's what friends are for, Popsicle toes, twister, tangled up in blue, the list, the jazz singer, debut, meet the neighbors, war games, the art of seduction, summer's end, what are you doing New Year's Eve?, ruminations and in dreams.

Archive: okay to DitB and WWOMB, anyone else just ask first.

Mulder practically tumbled down the stairs taking them two at a time, tugging at his New York Knicks tee shirt, which hung loose from his rangy frame. He rubbed his growling belly, giving his abdomen a satisfied pat. Yup, still pretty flat, with just that little bit of love handle left on each side. It was just enough extra fat and supple skin for his lovers to hold onto when they were fucking him.

He heard Alex's yoga tape as he came to the last step. He hesitated before turning towards the kitchen.

He was exercising in the den in front of the big screen television. Alex was wearing stretchy navy athletic pants with a light blue stripe down each leg, and a loose t-shirt that rode up when he twisted his body.

He was in dog pose, which gave Mulder a nice view of his tight rear end. Mulder decided his stomach could wait.

Alex's muscles smoothly arched, his belly breathed in and out, the ribs contracting, expanding, his hips tucked under. In one fluid motion he went from one pose to the next: warrior, mountain, treetop.

Fox watched as he went through them all, ending at the final stretches and relaxation on the exercise mat. His eyes were closed, his body lightly sprawled, rhythmic deep breathing centering and relaxing him.

The instructor asked him to concentrate on his breaths, on the moment at the end of the inhalation and just before the exhalation, to think of that silent moment in between breaths, in between, she repeated.

The credits rolled and Alex opened his eyes. He switched off the set, rewound the tape and wriggled his hips and feet to feel the energy flowing through them, the rediscovered agility of his body and the calmness that melted away the everyday tensions and fears.

He smiled at Fox and kissed him good morning. "Like what you saw?" he teased, wiggling his navy-clad ass.

"Definitely." Mulder gave his ass a squeeze. "Ripe, but still firm," he pronounced, like he was testing a melon at the market.

Alex frowned, trying to decide if that was a compliment.


"Very. I hope Walter made waffles this morning. You playing hoops after?"

"Yeah, I'll see if John wants to play one on one."

Alex looped his real arm around Mulder's waist and patted his ass lovingly. "Yeah you could use the exercise," he teased, and ran ahead of Fox's swatting hand.

Alex mopped up the maple syrup on his plate with the last bite of waffle. He picked up the fresh, ripe strawberry Walter had garnished each plate with, and dipped it into a blob of syrup and whipped cream and popped it into his mouth. "Yum, that was a great breakfast Walt. Perfection."

Walter smiled, the effect of that wide and satisfied smile lighting up his whole face. He kissed Alex's syrup-sweet mouth then adjusted his glasses. "You're welcome. Any plans for today?"

Alex shrugged his shoulders. "Some shopping this morning and lunch out with the girls." He looked sheepishly at his lovers. "I got invited out by Jesse. She insisted so much I couldn't refuse."

John laughed at Alex's predicament. "Might be fun you know. Hey can you pick up the dry cleaning since you're going out?"

"Sure. The tickets are in the desk drawer?"

John nodded. "I think Walter's got some suit jackets there too."

"Yeah I do. Do you have a list already?"

Alex plucked the note off the fridge and replaced the magnet holding it in place. "There's not much. I can do it all at the city market. Milk, orange juice, bread, cheese, crackers, cucumbers, nectarines, strawberries, blueberries, oranges, lettuce, pork chops for tonight, chips, tomato sauce, potatoes. Oh yeah, some ink cartridges for Fox. I think that's it."

"Doesn't sound too bad." Walter got up from the table and began to clear the dishes.

"Leave those Walter. You don't want to be late." John tried to shoo him out the door.

"I'm the boss. I can be late if I want to be."

"Can we make you late?" Fox leered.

"No. I've barely recovered from last night." Walter grinned at the memory. After their tooth-brushing, peeing, setting the alarm clock rituals had been taken care of, a frisky Alex had settled in his lap for a long necking session, which had caused his other lovers to start making love until they had all gravitated towards Walter sprawled out on the bed. Fox and Alex had settled into his crotch, both fighting over oral rights to his cock and John had clambered practically up the headboard to claim his mouth.

All that attention had blown his mind and his cock. He then watched in amusement as John and Fox had ganged up on Alex until the poor man was growling and squealing like a cat in heat. John had fucked him while Alex was sucking off Fox.

Even in the morning, the room smelled of sweat and musk and sex. He had closed the window, seeking to capture that erotic scent.

Walter headed to the office, the briefcase swinging from his big hand as he walked towards the garage. John watched him from the window. He liked the view both coming and going.

Fox slapped John's little butt as he walked by on his way upstairs. "Hoops?"

John rubbed his abused bottom and scowled at Fox. His laser beam eyes shot him a glare. "Sure. I'll have just enough time to beat your ass, shower and dress for my interview."

"Dream on blue eyes." Fox hustled upstairs to change into an old tee and baggy shorts.

"Hey John need me to buy anything?"

"No I'm good honey." John gave Alex a kiss with just a hint of tongue.

Alex kissed back eagerly.

"Didn't get enough last night babe?"

Alex blushed. "I can never get enough loving." He gave John a last peck on his cheek and went upstairs to change into jeans and a dress shirt.

Fox beat John just barely. That didn't stop him from gloating. John got in a good swat to his behind as Fox flung sweaty clothes in his wake. They showered together quickly, stopping only long enough for a quick jack-off session.

Fox settled in for a late morning of writing while John got gussied up. He paused for a lingering good-bye kiss before leaving the house.

Alex picked up the dry cleaning and then went to the market, managing to get everything on the list and adding only two items that weren't on it: a bouquet of colorful Gerbera daisies and a box of dark chocolates including all his favorites: truffles, chocolate covered cherries and creams. Heck they were all his favorites.

He stowed everything away in the fridge and cupboards, stashed the opened box of chocolates in his dresser drawer and arranged the flowers in a transparent blue vase and set it on the kitchen counter.

He knocked before entering the office. Fox was busy at his computer and gave him a brief greeting, thanking him for picking up the ink cartridges.

John had already left for his interview. They were still investigating the missing teen and he wanted to review the police files as well as question the girl's boyfriend again.

Alex met Hannah on the lawn. Jess had invited her along with Alex to the luncheon and they were joined by Marcie Bergstrom, another neighbor. They reluctantly picked up Dinah Hamilton, a recent divorcee who always seemed to be on the make. She went to every party that was going on in the neighborhood, even if she wasn't invited.

They had lunch at Dominic's, a fancy Italian restaurant that dressed down its elite status with checkered tablecloths and murals of Venetian gondoliers and ruined castles. They headed to the bar afterwards for a drink.

Hannah was about to order a white wine spritzer but then decided on a martini. They all looked at her like she'd grown two heads.

"Oh come on, I watch Sex and the city, I've heard of cosmos." She sipped her drink delicately. "Do you think I only watch good morning America and Marta Stewart? I'm a homemaker, not brain dead."

The moniker of homemaker made Alex smile. She was thus elevated in status above mere housewife but humbly beneath domestic goddess.

They gave her a dubious look. "I'm not as nave as you think I am," she insisted.

Marcie admitted to a secret love of Jerry Springer. She was after all, head of a dating service. It gave her a reality check after all the heady romance of playing matchmaker.

Dinah liked soaps, period. She was independently wealthy due to several marriages that had lasted roughly a bit longer than her blond highlights. Alimony from her wealthy exes meant she didn't have to actually work for a living. In fact she collected husbands like some people collect porcelain dolls.

Alex wasn't very discerning, watching everything from MTV to Fox's sci-fi movies, comedies and cartoons and old movies on the movie networks.

After the third martini, they were all quite relaxed and loose, laughing uproariously. Marcie's Manolo Blahnik sandals slipped off to thud on the floor. Dinah's lipstick rubbed off on her glass and she didn't even bother to re-apply it. Alex admitted a secret crush on Illya Kuryakin from the show "man from U.N.C.L.E." when he was a kid and Hannah actually said a four letter word when she spilled her appletini.

She thought that the phrase "whatever floats your boat" was dirty. She couldn't believe she had said the word fuck, out loud, in public. It was unconscionable. She clamped a hand over her mouth as if that would erase the sound. Alex ordered her another drink. Apparently she was a fun drunk.

"Let's move this party on girls," he suggested when the bartender began to give them dirty looks. It may have had something to do with the fact that Dinah kept scooping up peanuts from the little dish on the bar, licking them and returning them to the dish, uneaten.

Realizing they were all quite tipsy, Alex knew they should cab it. None of them was capable of driving and passing a sobriety test if stopped. He watched as a limo drove away from a nearby gas station and began to turn down the street. He had a brilliant idea.

The limo driver was wearing a navy suit and a dashing little hat. Jimmy was stenciled on his gold nameplate that was pinned on the impeccable suit.

"Hey there Jimmy. Long time no see," Alex enthused.

"Huh? Do I know you?"

"Oh come on, don't you remember you once picked me up in a driving rain storm when I couldn't hail a cab?" Alex persisted in the false story.

"Uh, I don't actually." Jimmy looked at him quizzically, not quite panicked yet as he stared at the pretty women surrounding the obviously drunk stranger.

"Jimmy, Jimmy, you probably don't remember because I couldn't tell you about my mission. I'm a spy you know." He looked around to see if anyone was listening. "Believe me I wanted to, but you did such a great job following that mysterious van and I caught up to those guys and nailed them. I can't tell you their identities of course, that's classified information, so don't even try to wheedle it out of me. But I can tell you that that bust may have been instrumental in saving the city from a terrorist action," Alex lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper.

"It did?" Jimmy asked incredulous. His reddish-blonde eyebrows rose up to nearly touch his bangs.

"Irish boy, right, am I right?" Alex repeated.

"Uh, yeah, Jimmy O'Donnell," the driver offered.

"That's right." Alex snapped his fingers. "O'Donnell. Good Irish name. I wished I'd remembered your name. Heck I could have had the mayor give you a commendation."

"Gee really?" Jimmy smiled, showing nearly all his pearly white teeth.

"Sure. But I can't tell you the details. Classified you know."

"So, what can I do for you?"

Alex looked around, grabbed the girls closer to him. "Well, Jimmy we're on an undercover mission, me and the ladies here. We need a vehicle. We're going to various bars and clubs, undercover you see, and one of us," he looked at the ladies suspiciously, "was supposed to be the designated driver."

"Oops," Hannah replied and put a hand over her mouth. "I guess that was me."

Alex was pleased that she was playing along. "That's okay doll. I'll forgive you. Her first mission, you see," he confided.

"It happens," Jimmy said nervously. "You're all spies?"

"I am a spy in the house of love," Dinah said and hiccupped.

"Yes. And we're on a mission of great urgency."

"What agency do you work for? F.B.I.? C.I.A.?"

"Actually, it's known as KAOS. You've never heard of it," he said quickly.

"Nope. Can't say that I have." Jimmy hesitated then unlocked the car doors. "Hop in."

"That's my boy."

"Come on agent sixty-nine," he addressed Dinah. They stumbled into the spacious limo. Marcie immediately turned on the state of the art stereo. Rap music blared into the closed car.

"Uh, ma'am could you turn that down possibly?"

"Sure thing sweetie." She dialed the knob until it decreased to a reasonable level.

Jimmy took them to the Diamond Inn, a slightly sleazy hotel where the customers were usually there for an afternoon of trysting before returning home to their husbands and wives.

They pretended to meet with two older gentlemen, both wearing suits, sunglasses and pinkie rings, before Jimmy's unwavering gaze. Marcie and Dinah were nearly swept away to the air-conditioned rooms by the eager strangers until Jesse intervened. Both men went away empty-handed.

The girls got an idea about getting tattoos after Alex's detailed description of HBO's OZ series and in particular about the Keller and Beecher romance. "I'd do Chris Keller in a New York minute," Alex confessed and proceeded to describe the butterfly tattoo and its location. He then went on a very detailed description of giving oral sex since they were on the subject of prison romance and sex, much to Hannah's consternation (she clapped her hands over her ears and her face flushed bright red), but the other women only asked for Alex's advice on giving better head and listened attentively.

Thankfully for Hannah the sex advice ended (she confessed they only did it in the missionary position and with the lights dimmed, all told while she twisted her golden brown curls between her fingers) and the conversation turned to tattoos. Jesse admitted to a teenage foray into tattooing (she had a heart on her right butt cheek) so they headed to Jake's Tattoo and body piercing.

The owner resembled a nice version of Jazz Hoyt. He didn't seem to have an inch of visible skin that wasn't tattooed. He had tribal ones on his neck and shoulders, a violent ocean scene that was visible just above his tank top (they could see the mast of a ship and an octopus tentacle) and swords down both his inner arms; a heart with the name Sheila on his right biceps and the portrait of a young girl on his left (his daughter Angel, he explained, when questioned).

He politely refused to tattoo any of them, except Jimmy, the only sober one in the bunch. They left disappointed. Jimmy wondered what spies were doing in a tattoo parlor. Alex explained in a long, convoluted story that the mysterious ring of pornographers/ drug dealers/white slavers was fond of getting tattooed. He seemed to buy the story.

They headed to a nearby supermarket because they had the munchies. Jimmy patiently waited for them in the limo. He slid the windows down to feel the warm sun and tickling breeze on his face and radioed in that he had picked up an unexpected customer on his way back to the limo service. He would now have to ask Alex for some money.

Hannah made herself busy eating free samples. Jesse ordered a cappuccino at the coffee shop located just within the market and began to flirt with the waiter there. Dinah followed two single men who were shopping, trying to pick them up. She was oblivious to the fact they were gay. Marcie shoplifted a package of steak and shoved several chocolate bars down her bra. Alex picked at the fruit and vegetable section, managing to wolf down grapes, strawberries and a peach before anyone noticed.

They left without having bought anything, yet they were all satisfied, except for Dinah who wondered if she'd lost her sex appeal. To make her feel better they headed down the street to another bar.

It turned out to be a karaoke bar. Jimmy had gotten up the nerve to ask Alex for some money. Alex winked at him, said he'd have his fee very quickly and entered the bar. There was a contest going on at the karaoke place so it was fortuitous that they'd ended up there. Especially when funds were getting low.

Hannah sang a wobbly version of "We've only just begun" after knocking back a couple of chocolate martinis. Jesse sang "Black Velvet" and was actually not bad. Marcie was too busy drumming up business between some shy singles and Dinah had the attention of two men who competed for her attention. Two vying hands were sliding up her thighs when Alex took the stage. He sang his heart out and ended up winning two hundred dollars. He gave it all to Jimmy then asked for a loan for more drinks.

Hannah was starting to feel a bit sick and wanted to go home. Jesse echoed her sentiments. Marcie wasn't having much luck with setting up Charlie and Kate on a date. They both swore she smelled like raw meat and discreetly left the bar, separately. Dinah was nowhere to be found. It turns out both men liked her and she couldn't make up her mind so they had a threesome in the ladies bathroom, barring the door closed with the garbage can. Alex got up on stage once more after reassuring Jimmy that the bad guys liked to hang out in karaoke bars.

Alas there were no bad guys to be found. Dinah emerged from the bathroom with her hair and clothes disheveled. Marcie was famished and plucked out one of the chocolate bars she'd pilfered. Hannah began to bitch about P.T.A. meetings. Alex decided it was time to go home.

Jimmy dropped them off in front of Dinah's house. She had a pool and they had all decided to go swimming, even Hannah, who now looked and felt like crap. They all insisted that a little sun and fresh air would do her a world of good. Jimmy was suspicious and decided that perhaps he'd been conned and a call to the police was in order. He idled in front of the spacious house for a while.

Meanwhile Alex and the girls were getting ready to jump in the pool, but first Marcie had an idea. She went to her house, took out all the Jell-o mix she could find before heading back to Dinah's stopping only long enough to throw her melting chocolate bars into the freezer to harden.

She filled the pool with the powder. She wished someone had whipped cream but Dinah liked to use it on her boy toys as dessert toppings before licking it off their hard abs that she was right out. Hannah had no Cool Whip. Oh well, at least they had Jell-o. In fact the Jell-o was turning the water pretty shades of cherry red and lime green, just like the colors on Hannah's face. She stumbled into the shade, suffering from the effects of too many martinis.

Dinah didn't have bathing suits for everyone so they decided to go skinny dipping. Hannah was passed out on a lounge chair so they left her to nap. Alex undressed nonchalantly, leaving his prosthesis on a patio chair. The ladies took their clothes off, all blas about undressing in front of Alex. Dinah never told them she didn't own a single bathing suit. She preferred swimming nude.

Just then a huge dog came bounding into the yard, growling and barking. They all recognized him as Brutus, a giant Doberman that lived a street over. Marcie screamed in surprise and fright. The dog had her singled out for attack.

"The meat, the meat," Dinah shouted.

Marcie thought this was a strange time to be talking about sex. Alex pointed at her jacket. She quickly threw the steak she'd lifted from the market at the dog. He tore into the plastic wrapping and began to eat voraciously. Whimpering for more food they all shrugged their shoulders. As if understanding no more treats were to be had, Brutus walked away in search of more food.

Marcie nearly peed on herself in relief. She jumped into the pool now starting to thicken with the gelatin powder (at least to her eyes). Dinah squealed with delight and followed. Jesse jumped onto the diving board and sliced into the water but Alex gingerly tested it before stepping in.

They were all splashing about quite happily when they heard sirens. They had all gotten hungry and thirsty again, so Dinah had gone to the kitchen to fix a pitcher of Margaritas. They all tried to eat the Jell-o but it wasn't very appetizing so they just had fun rubbing the colored water all over their skin. They had Chee-tos instead so now they were colored green, red and a cheesy orange. Dinah rubbed some of the red coloring on her lips saying it made a cheap and long-lasting lipstick stain. They knew Hannah would appreciate that home-making/cosmetic tip. She was now passed out, snoring obliviously.

Dinah thought about calling up some of her male friends to invite them over to the party. There were just too many women around and Alex was taken, so she got her cell phone and address book from her purse. She was sprawled out on the lounge chair dialing the phone and having no luck. Everyone's voice mail seemed to be on. She glanced over at Alex's arm sitting on the table where she'd moved it. It was so life-like. She picked it up to study it. Damn but she was horny.

The sirens were getting closer and now it had attracted the attention of the neighborhood.

Walter, John and Fox followed the police car on foot. They were curious just like everyone else, but they were all trained in law enforcement and rescue techniques and wanted to be there to lend a hand if needed.

Total chaos erupted when they arrived. The uniformed officers were barking orders to get dressed. Mrs. Miller, attracted by the sirens went to investigate and followed the police car to Dinah Hamilton's house. She wanted to lodge a complaint that someone was trying to kill her dog Brutus (he had a piece of plastic lodged in his teeth).

Mrs. Kramer, Dinah's next door neighbor who had phoned the police to complain about the noise and naked people (not to mention she thought someone was drowning with all the ruckus that was going on) was screaming at the decadent partiers. John, Fox and Walter were floored by the scene taking place.

Hannah was sitting up, woken by all the commotion. She hung her head in her hands and moaned at the killer headache throbbing behind her eyes. She looked around wide-eyed at her nude friends and the angry police and neighbors. Alex and the women all exited the pool sheepishly. Hannah lowered her eyes. Boy that Alex was hung!

Jimmy joined in reluctantly, wanting to make his own report for the fraud Alex had committed.

Everyone spoke at once as the police tried to restrain the angry neighbors. Brutus trotted up, barking as if to complain too. Fox was laughing and John just looked terribly confused. Walter went to gather towels to cover everyone up. He tossed them at the women, wondering what the hell Alex had done. He went to check on Hannah who was moaning and turning several shades of green. She leaned over and threw up on his shiny shoes, getting greenish brown slime on his trousers as well.

"Shit I just had these shined," Walter mumbled. John snorted a laugh and went to get more towels and the hose. Walter glanced over at Dinah who was smiling smugly, her eyes closed, still sprawled on the lounge chair. She had something in her hand but his vision of her was partially blocked by one of the cops.

John came back with towels and washed down Walter's shoes. He gave Hannah the hose so she could rinse her mouth out and wash off her face. He risked a glance at Jesse. He'd seen the woman stark naked (she was very toned) and wondered how the hell he could look at her again with a straight face across the tennis court or over the dinner table.

Walter patted his pants with a damp towel. He began to gather up everyone's clothes. He was searching around for Alex's prosthetic limb, wondering what on earth could have happened to it. He was about to throw Dinah a towel (she was still sprawled shamelessly naked on her white chair) when he took a close look at what she held in her hand and what she was doing with it. He flamed bright red and screamed out "What the hell are you doing with Alex's arm?"

They all turned to stare at her. There were groans of disbelief and snorts of nervous laughter. "Jeez doesn't she get enough? She has more toys than a porno shop," Marcie muttered.

"Give me that," Walter snarled and took Alex's limb away. It was sticky with vaginal juices. "Holy fuck, Dinah that's just nasty."

She merely shrugged and closed her legs.

They were all charged with causing a disturbance and public drunkenness as well as public nudity (except for Hannah, who still had all her clothes on). Alex borrowed some money from Fox (who was still laughing helplessly and holding his aching stomach) to pay off Jimmy. Jimmy drove away quickly, not bothering to report anything that happened that afternoon to his boss.

Mrs. Kramer was satisfied with the charges and glared at all of them until they dispersed. Dinah went inside to call the pool cleaner. She asked for Raoul specifically. He was awfully good at unclogging pipes (the pool and hers). John walked Jesse home. They were both uncommonly quiet. Marcie stumbled home by herself. Thankfully her husband was out of town for a convention. Walter supported both Alex and Hannah as they walked home. She went to bed directly after a shower, muttering to her husband something about a headache. He put dinner in the oven for him and the boys.

Walter pushed a wobbly, multi-colored Alex into the shower, discarded his damp clothes in the hamper and cleaned off his prosthesis carefully then went to the kitchen to brew up some strong coffee.

He made a simple dinner for him, leftover lasagna and a buttered roll (food was supposed to help a hangover), shook out a couple of aspirin and B complex vitamins and waited for Alex to emerge.

Fox and John came home, both still giggling at the crazy antics of Alex and the neighbors. They sat on the bed waiting with Walter for Alex to come out of the bathroom. "This is like an x-rated episode of "I love Lucy" isn't it?" Fox asked.

"The boy sure has some explaining to do," Walter growled.

"Go easy on him Walt. He's going to have a killer hangover," John advised.

"The interrogation will take place tomorrow, promise. Right now he needs to head off what he can of that hangover."

"I can't wait to hear it." Fox smiled and lay back on the bed, folding his hands over his still sore stomach.

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to laurel