Lost Souls

by SpookyStarbuck


Title: Lost Soul

Author: SpookyStarbuck

Summary: Alex's love is gone.

Category: Slightly AU, drama, angst, character death

Pairing: Mulder/Krycek

Rating: PG for mild language.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Chris Carter owns them. Lyrics used without permission from Evanescence's "My Immortal".

Notes: Takes place during DeadAlive, around the time of Mulder's funeral. I've based this off the idea that Mulder and Krycek have been secret lovers and partners for several years.

Alex Krycek observed the bleak winter's landscape surrounding the cemetery. He shuddered in the chilled March air. Puffs of warm breaths escaped from his mouth as he choked back a sob. Everyone else had left, the ceremony long since over. Alex had watched from a safe distance as Skinner clumsily comforted Scully. He snorted. 'This was his fault damn it!' Alex knew rationally that Mulder had gone on his own free will, despite Alex begging him not to. He took a deep breath. Now that they were gone, he was free to mourn for his lost lover. He approached the headstone with hesitant steps. He could feel his whole body vibrating with the urge to scream. He wanted to rage at the sky, to unleash his pain and fury at someone, anyone.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone

Memories of his childhood fear of dying surrounded him. Of being placed in the cold, hard ground. Left alone in the cool darkness. Left alone to face your demons for eternity. He shuddered at the thought of his precious Fox alone in the ground, night after night, with no one to warm him. Fox had always hated the cold, always turned to Alex for warmth in their stolen nights together. The blankets weren't enough, only Alex's body pressed along his could bring an end to the chill Mulder felt after dark. Alex choked on another sob, barely holding it back. His throat was thick with the need to cry, long and hard. He hadn't shed a tear upon hearing of Mulder's death. He hadn't been able to. At that moment, he had felt his soul ripped from him, leaving him unable to feel. Now, standing in the snow, staring at his headstone he felt the onset of the tears building. He stared at the stone, wanting to let loose. His pain was overwhelming him; his whole body ached with his sorrow. He dropped to his knees and let his memories overtake him.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

His beautiful Fox looking at him as they worked on one of his tips brought to him by Alex himself. He had brought Mulder as much information as he could get without raising suspicion. They had worked together in secret, together to bring down all the evilness around them. In the darkness of the night, side by side, planning and plotting and whispering hope to each other. They had held each other throughout the nights when older memories threatened to take over.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears I held your hand through all of these years But you still have
All of me

Alex had held his Fox when his pain was too much to bear alone. He helped him to fight all his fears, of never finding the truth about Samantha, of losing Scully, of never fulfilling his dream to bring down the Consortium, of never having his validation, of never being recognized for his efforts. Worst of all, for never having gained his father's approval even after all he had accomplished. Alex had been there through it all, watching in the background, stepping in after Scully had left. Mulder's soul and his were fused together. Their heartache of having to act like they were enemies in their attempts to bring down Spender.

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

Mulder's spirit, his belief was what inspired Alex to never forget why they were fighting, to never give up. Now, Alex felt empty. He had lost his reason to continue on. The need to bring down the Consortium was replaced with the need to comfort Mulder. He wanted to take away the cold and warm Mulder again as he had so many times before. His face haunted him every time he closed his eyes. He found no respite in his sleep, no chance to rest. He could hear Mulder's voice in his ears, telling him not to worry, that he would be back from the forest soon. He had begged, had known that something bad was about to happen, but couldn't persuade Mulder to stay. He had fretted and prayed like never before, and when he saw the bright lights come down and rise up again, he had known.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Then, when he was informed by his sources that Mulder had been found in the field, he had known once more that this time, he was gone, his soul mate ripped from his embrace. He could still remember the feeling of loss so great that he hadn't been able to even react. Now, he allowed the tears to come.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

The tears coursed down his cheeks, his sorrow drowning his mind. The tears dripped off his face and fell to the ground. He felt his whole body trembling with the urge to scream again. Finally, he looked up into the sky and released his pain into the air.

"Why did you leave me? I begged you, Fox! I told you not to go! You left me..." his voice trailed off as his sobs grew louder. He rocked back and forth, seeking comfort. His heart was breaking and his Fox was gone. He whimpered as he felt the last bits of his heart grow cold. His fox...

"...Alex..."

A whisper in the air by Alex's ear. He whipped his head around. He saw nothing. He rocked, trembling in the cold. After some time, he stood and brushed the snow off his knees. He reached out and placed his hand on the headstone. He closed his eyes as the last tears slipped out, unnoticed.

"Good-bye my beautiful Lisa. I'll see you as soon as I finish your mission. I swear I won't...I won't let down. I love you so much...so much..." he whispered.

Alex turned and walked slowly, leaving the last shreds of his faith and hope and love behind. He prayed that these would be enough to keep him warm until they could be together again.
 

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