Summary: Reflections in the night. Lyrics from Sarah McLaughlin
Category: major angst, hurt/no comfort
Pairing: Mulder/Krycek UST
Rating: PG for mild swearing
Disclaimer: Not mine. Property of Chris Carter.
In the dark, his shadow kneels on the hardwood floor of one of the many nameless motels he has stayed before. He stares at the walls, then the windows, and finally at the floor. As the inevitable thoughts and memories stream through his brain, he unconsciously begins to rock back and forth. A long suppressed motion that brings him small comfort in the bleakness of this night. Resting on the nightstand is a small c.d. player, battered and scratched but still working. He stops rocking long enough to reach for the bud earphones and slips them in. With the click of a button, the low strains of a song fill his ears, drowning out the voices that call to him in his memory.
Heaven bent to take my hand, and lead me through the fire Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight?
He sighs as the music floods his ears and begins to rock again, seeking to soothe the panic he feels rising within him. In the dark he has no defenses to the pain of his thoughts. He raises his eyes to the blank wall in front of him and like a slideshow, his thoughts are projected. He sees himself looking so young, so damn eager to prove himself. The cheap suits and bad hairstyle are secondary to the spirit behind his eyes. The images flip forward to the short time he spent working for the one person in the world that really mattered. The smoker?s face interrupts his hero worship and with one nod of acceptance, his future is washed away.
Truth be told I tried my best, but somewhere along the way I got caught up in all there was to offer and the cost was so much more than I could bear...
A few tears begin to well up in his eyes but remain motionless. He can still see the look of hurt, of anger, and worst of all, of the ultimate betrayal that he has bestowed to his hero. He had wanted nothing more than to kneel before him and plead for forgiveness but instead he was thrown against the car in a fit of rage. A bullet had saved him but the look was what seared his soul. Every time they had met again was with violence, always violence. He longs for the chance to speak to him without anger and hurt getting in the way. It seems he has fallen so far from where he started. Fallen so far that the light at the end of the tunnel seems to have dimmed. He sees no way out but with no other choice than to continue.
Though I?ve tried, I?ve fallen? I have sunk so low I have messed up, better I should know
So don?t come round here, and tell me I told you so
He feels the panic again surging faster and faster within himself. He can hear the words that his one love spoke, the barbed comments cutting so deep. He knows how badly his plans have turned out and how far he has come with nothing but scars to show for it. The body count is high and it frightens him to think that he can kill with so little thought. Until the darkness comes over him again and he has to relive it all, feeling the self loathing take over.
We all begin with good intent, love was raw and young we believed that we could change ourselves; the past could be undone? But we carry on our backs the burden, time always reveals the lonely light of morning the wound that would not heal, it's the bitter taste of losing everything that I have held so dear.
He feels the hollow ache of an arm that is no longer there. The phantom limb causes a tear to escape and roll down his cheek. Losing his arm hurt like nothing before, but the wound that won?t heal for him is the ache within his heart. He has lost everything he once held dear. And the pain is overwhelming.
Heaven bent to take my hand, nowhere left to turn I'm lost to those I thought were friends, to everyone I know Oh they turned their heads embarrassed, pretend that they don't see But it's one missed step, you'll slip before you know it And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed?
The tears begin to fall more steadily down his face with stifled sobs escaping his mouth. His family is gone, like they never even existed. He has no friends, no one to turn to. His heart aches with longing and the sobs threaten to drown him. He whispers a name in the stillness of the night, a strangled sound.
His fox. The pain crashes down on him and as the song finishes he shakes and rocks furiously. He knows then that there is no redemption waiting for him. For Alex Krycek this knowledge is too much to bear. He?s fallen so far. His sobs trickle off slowly and he curls up on the bed and hits the repeat button on his c.d. player. The song begins again and a new wave of loneliness washes over him. He closes his eyes and prays for a chance to be saved from his path.
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