Mulder, Krycek And The Human Conspiracy

by Lady Midath

Disclaimer:I don't own 'em


Rating:PG, humour

Archive:Sure thing

Spoilers:Not really

Summary:A late night tale

Mulder cuddled up against Alex feeling warm and contented in the afterglow of great sex. Alex popped one last gentle kiss against his lover's cheek, then closed his eyes, getting ready to settle down for some much needed sleep, when Mulder suddenly asked.

"Alex, there's something you have been holding back from me."

Uhoh, Alex thought nervously, don't tell me he's found out about my little session with Skinner, Pendrell and the jar of peanut butter.

Aloud, he replied. "What's that Fox?"

"You never told me how you got out of the silo that time."

Puzzled, Alex sat up, leaning on his good arm.

"The silo?"

"The one in North Dakota." Mulder replied patiently. "You never told me how you managed to escape."

"Oh, that silo." Alex sighed, he was tired and right now all he wanted to do was snuggle next to his Fox and go to sleep. Not talk about silos.

"Look Fox, can't it wait until tomorrow, it's a long story and I'm kinda tired."

"But I want to know." Mulder put on his best pout. The one that Alex could never resist.

With a sigh, Alex relented, he knew from experience that if Mulder didn't get his way he would be impossible to live with for the next week or so.

"Alright then. I'll tell you." Alex settled back down against the pillows, drawing Mulder towards him.

With a sigh of utter contentment, Mulder cuddled into the warmth of Alex's body.

"Well, you know it was the Smoking Man that had me locked inside the silo." Alex began, he felt Mulder's head move in a nod against his chest.

"Well, after I expelled the alien goo out of my..."

"Ew, can we kinda skip that part." Mulder said.

Alex sighed, he kept forgetting how squeamish Mulder was about these things.

"Okay, well after the Smoking Man left me there I got bored." Alex continued. "I sat around wondering if anybody was going to rescue me."

"They just left you there." Mulder said sadly. "Poor baby."

"Well there was a company picnic on that day and I think they must have forgot about me." Alex replied. "Which was strange because I was supposed to bring the beer. Well, anyway, there I was completely alone in this cold dark spooky silo. I passed the time by doing stuff like, counting all the Doctors in Doctor Who, and how many times Kirk had ripped his shirt to expose his muscular arms and chest..."

"You actually kept count?" Mulder asked him amazed.

Alex shrugged. "Well, like said, I was bored. Anyway, after I ran out of counting the amount of times that I could remember Picard ordering Earl Gray tea, hot from his replicator, I climbed back up onto the spaceship."

"What for?"

"To count the grooves and weird little patterns in the ship." Alex replied. "Like I told you Fox, I was bored."

"Bored, you must have been desperate." Mulder muttered.

"Do you want to hear this or not?"

"Okay Alex, don't get snippy." Mulder said with a grin. "Okay, so you climbed up on the alien ship to count all the weird little patterns and stuff, go on."

"Well, I think I must have pressed something by accident." Alex said. "Because the next thing I knew, this panel opened and I fell inside the ship."

Mulder winced. "Ouch."

"Yeah, ouch is right. Those floors are damned hard. Anyway, I found myself in the depths of the alien ship."

"Wow." Mulder was spell bound now. "So what did you do then?"

"What else could I do? I started to explore the ship." Alex replied. "Trying to find a way out. I managed to get halfway down this long corridor when suddenly I felt the whole ship shudder. It had taken off out of the silo and into the atmosphere."

"It took you into outer space?" Alex could see the way Mulder's eyes had lit up now. But then why not. Hitching a ride with a bunch of little green men, no, make that little gray men would be Mulder's ultimate wet dream.

Alex nodded solemnly. "It sure did, with me inside."

"And?" Mulder was growing impatient now.

"When I realized what had happened, I made my way up to where the aliens were." Alex replied.

"It wasn't easy either, I kept taking wrong turns and getting totally lost. But I finally managed to find them."

"Bet they must have gotten a shock seeing you there." Mulder replied with a grin.
"A shock, they freaked out." Alex answered. "You see, humans are considered a protected wildlife species and unless you have the correct license, it's an offense to remove any of us from the planet."

"But what about all the abductions?" Mulder asked, puzzled.

"Wildlife rangers, poachers, kids on field trips." Alex replied. "There's one species of aliens who are all devoted to studying us in our habitat. They are called the Steveirwinians. They have the strangest language." Alex said. "There was a couple of them on the ship. I couldn't understand what they were saying. They kept uttering these sounds, stuff like, 'crikey' and li'lfella'."

"Scary." Mulder shuddered.

"Yeah." Alex agreed. "And you should have seen the hats that they were wearing." He grimaced and put that particular memory firmly aside. And he did not even want to recall they way their mouths had been distorted into huge toothy smiles. That had been too horrible for words.

"I tried to ask them where we were headed, but they just kept trying to feed me this horrible green stuff. And the sounds they made. Weird whistling noises and stuff that sounded like...c'monereli'lfella and wewonturtcha." It was Alex's turn to shudder now. The memory of those aliens would be implanted in his mind for the rest of his life.

"Poor Alex." Mulder laid his hand comfortingly over Alex's good one.

"Well, by this time I was pretty scared." Alex admitted. "I was looking around for some kind of weapon that I could use to fend them off, when we were stopped."

"Stopped?" Mulder frowned. "Stopped by who?"

"This other ship." Alex replied. "It was a bigger one, I remember that. Black and white, with these flashing red and blue lights on the top of it."

"Oh my god." Mulder breathed.

"The Steveirwinians seemed kind of upset when these other aliens turned up." Alex continued.

"The other aliens boarded the ship. They all started arguing, then one of the other aliens handed the pilot a slip of paper. think it must have been a speeding ticket. The pilot nearly went berserk, it was really scary."

"What happened then?" Mulder asked, enthralled now.

"The second lot of aliens saw me, and started asking the pilot all these questions. The Steveirwinians kept shrugging a lot. Finally, the second bunch of aliens grabbed me and hauled me off the ship, into their one."

Mulder looked aghast. "What for, did they want to probe you?"

"Nah." Alex replied. "It turned out that the Steveirwinians weren't supposed to have me aboard their ship. You know, protected species and all that. Besides, they didn't have the correct quarantine forms. So I was transported aboard their ship instead."

"And they brought you back to Earth?" Mulder replied. Alex shook his head.

"No, not quite. They were called to this planet where there was some sort of convention going. Some trouble had broken out with a couple of the younger aliens. You know what kids can be like."

Mulder nodded wisely, he sure did."

"So I ended up at this huge convention that was filled with all these different aliens and you wouldn't believe it. They were all dressed up like humans."

"Humans?" Mulder stared at him. "You're joking."

"Nope." Alex replied. "It seems that the aliens have been getting old transmission of tv shows like I Love Lucy, Gilligan's Island, Ally McBeal... They love them and they have all these fan conventions and stuff."

"So what you're saying is that these aliens were dressing up to look like Lucielle Ball and Desi Arnez?"

"That's right." Alex replied. "They kept tugging at my face and asking me who I was supposed to be. Anyway, the aliens that brought me there sorted out the trouble. It turned out to be just a couple of kids being a little too high spirited. Nothing much. Then the aliens had to leave. They were called somewhere else. They asked a couple of the younger aliens to drop me back on Earth."

"And did they?" Mulder asked.

"Yeah, after spending a couple of hours buzzing people out in the boonies somewhere." Alex replied. "That's how they get their kicks when they're bored. They find some poor bastard out in the middle of nowhere and they land in front of him going 'beep beep'. The aliens think it's hilarious."

"Oh." Mulder nodded.

"So that's basically how I escaped from the silo." Alex finished.

"And you expect me to believe all that?" Mulder asked him incredulously.

Alex turned his head to grin at him. "Well, how do you think I got out of there?"

"The members of the Consortium realized that you were supposed to be bringing the beer to the work picnic so they let you out so that you could go and get it like you were supposed to." Mulder told him.

"Okay, you're right. Alex conceded. "Those guys really like their brew."

"Humph, I thought so." Mulder lay back down again, happy that he now knew how Alex had managed to get out of the silo. Alex for his part never told Mulder did not argue with him, after all, the alien kids had been nice enough and the space cops, realizing an honest mistake when they saw it, they never charged the Steveirwinians with trying to illegally export a rare and endangered species.


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