Now I Know

by Starfish

Now I Know
by Starfish Rating: PG. Yeah, shocked me, too.
Disclaimer: The characters of the X-Files belong to Fox, 1013, and/or Chris Carter. I wrote this.

Notes: Written for the "Light at the End of the Tunnel" Lyric Wheel. This is as hopeful as I could get, sorry. I've pretty much quit watching the new episodes, but this can be inserted into the timeline of season 9...somewhere. I think it's Krycek talking...don't ask me how, it's the X-Files. Where've you been?


I woke up with a start, unused to another body in the bed beside me. One of my old instructors told me that the human mind could get used to almost anything, given time.


I don't know how much time we have. Don't know whether it's still safe now, even. But I woke up to see you had spent the night again with me. And if it all ends this morning, I know what we had was real.

Real fights, real blood. Real knives in the forest. Real bullets in a parking garage.

I should have known it couldn't end there. And now I know I should've never let you go, that first time. The first time we slept together, the first time we woke together. I never dreamed you could be so tender, so careful, so...loving.

I can say that here, now, in my own head. I don't think I could ever say it to your face, though. I'm too afraid. Afraid of the power it gives you over me. Afraid of what I might hear you say in return. Afraid I'd never be able to let you leave afterwards.

After all this time you probably felt safer on your own. But I was never better off alone. I know you don't see me as a person who needs other people, and it's true, I don't. I just seem, somehow, to need you. And that's a weakness, in my world.

I need to know you're alive, somewhere. Safe, somewhere. And I can accept that the somewhere can't ever be with me. I don't like it, I wish I could change it, but I can, finally, accept it.

It's not like I have a lot of choices, right?


We've all made some pretty bad ones over the years, you and I especially, but it seems like almost every one who's still alive has made some colossal errors in judgment. And we all like to think that maybe, just maybe, if we took a step back and examined our lives, we could find that one moment, the pivotal point that changed everything, and we'd - what? Find a mad scientist with a time machine; go back and make it all better? Funny, all the years, all those cases, and I don't remember that one. You'd think if there was such a thing, somebody would have started an X-File on it.

I'm getting quite whimsical here - must be your influence. And wouldn't Scully get a chuckle out of that, if I ever had the balls to tell her. I think we can safely assume that day will never happen.

You wake suddenly, as I did, and your eyes snap open as you scan the room. What are you looking for? Do you count the exits, as I do? Check for danger? Or is it simply that you can't remember where you are, after so many days on the run?

After a second, your eyes lock on mine, and I know what's in your heart. I know, too, that you'll never tell me, as I can never tell you. The words would mean everything to me, and that's what makes them so dangerous. But you don't need to say the words. Because I know.

Now I know.


Now I Know by Anthony Rapp

I woke up to see your face again, I woke up to see You had spent the night again with me
I never thought we'd be like this again, never thought we'd be Then you came back to me

Chorus: And now I know I should've never let you go And now I know I've always loved you
And you are so much more than I deserve I want you to know that now I know

After all this time you probably felt safer on your own But I was never better off alone
You probably thought that I'd forgotten you, probably thought that I Couldn't see you out of the corner of my eye


I thought that I knew what you wouldn't do I thought that I knew everything and more

Comments? Tell me all about it.

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