Spotter's Guide to the Common Mulder
What's the best way to handle a depressed Mulder? Better find out fast. Your quick and easy guide to all the common Mulders.
The Spotter's Guide to the Common Mulder
The Mulder (Foxwilliamii officinale)
The most frequently spotted denizen of X-files slash, the Common Mulder leads a relatively solitary existence, although he is sometimes accompanied by the Scully. The Mulder seems to thrive most effectively in dark, enclosed environments such as basements or inexpensive rented apartments. He appears to live solely on bad coffee and takeout.
WARNING: The Mulder occasionally behaves erratically and has a tendency to wander off on his own and get into trouble, although the presence of a Scully may help to prevent this.
FOX FACT: The Mulder has not been rescued by the Scully more times than the Scully has been rescued by the Mulder - it only seems that way.
As noted above, the Mulder tends to be most at home in dark, cramped environments. He seems unable to master even the most basic homemaking skills, and consequently his habitats tend to be messy and disorganised. A couch and a television seem to be the only necessities, although an endless supply of Armani suits also seems to be a given. A means by which to order takeout is also required. The Mulder appears to be incapable of cooking anything more complicated than tinned soup and waffles and without a phone would probably eventually die of malnutrition.
The Mulder is usually seen wearing dark, conservative clothing, which is often compensated for with garish ties. However the far less common red-speedoed Mulder is also much sought after. The Mulder is noted for his large nose, but is particularly prized for his silky hair and pouty lower lip.
The Audubon Book of Cute but Slightly Unbalanced FBI Agents points out that despite many similarities in appearance, the Common Mulder may be distinguished from the increasingly rare Dale Cooper by the former's slightly lighter hair and the latter's open and sunny disposition, a quality which the Mulder lacks in spades.
The Mulder is frequently found in an injured or damaged condition. Indeed, it is surprising that so many of them have survived as long as they have. Mulders appear to be particularly prone to being shot, stabbed, otherwise folded spindled and mutilated, hit by trucks, infected with alien diseases, infected with ordinary diseases, kidnapped and experimented on, bombed, blown up, drugged and tortured for information. They are also more likely to catch colds and flu, and to have embarrassing digestive problems.
It is with this in mind that we print, without editorial comment, the following:
Cruelty to Mulders
'The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Mulders has made the following statement. 'Nobody knows why Mulders are more likely to be abused than any other fan fiction character, although we are inclined to blame it on Chris Carter for setting such a bad example. Whatever the causes, we at the ASPCM have dedicated ourselves to one cause -the eventual eradication of cruelty to Mulders.
'Most fan fiction authors, be they slasher or 'shipper, treat their Mulders with the care and dignity they undoubtedly deserve. Sadly, however, a small minority of authors have taken it upon themselves to cruelly ill-treat these vulnerable and often defenceless creatures. All we can say is: YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
The grim facts speak for themselves:
In 1998, Mulders occupied enough emergency and ICU beds to fill two entire series of ER.
In 1998, there were more reported cases of cruelty to Mulders than there were cases of cruelty to Blairs, Parises and Methoses put together.
Hospital and therapy bills for ill-treated Mulders last year amounted to more than three and a quarter million dollars - money the FBI - your FBI - somehow has to find from its budget.
'Please remember that there is no excuse for wanton cruelty to Mulders, no matter how cute they look when their lower lips wobble and even if Chris Carter does do it all the time. Remember, treat these proud creatures with affection and respect. After all, what did they ever do to you?
'What you can do:
'If you are an author and you feel the urge to handcuff your Mulder to some pipes and have Krycek beat him up, consider writing a nice gentle Shopping for Curtains story instead. Nobody ever got hurt shopping for curtains (although we are compelled to admit that if anybody ever was, Mulders would probably be at the top of the list).
'Instead of Mulder having flashbacks of being beaten up by his dad, why not have him flash back to the quite nice time he had when he visited his aunt and uncle in Cleveland in 1974?
'Just for a change, why not have Mulder kidnapped by peace-loving, non-violent Buddhists instead of brutal neo-nazi terrorists? Or they could just invite him to come to their meditation centre!
'If you need to get information out of your Mulder, why not try painless drugs or gentle hypnosis before you get out the rubber hose and the pliers?
'Remember, Mulder is 37 years old. He doesn't have to visit his mother if he doesn't want to!
'Ask yourself how you would want to be treated if you were a Mulder. After all, Mulders are people too. Remember: hurting a Mulder isn't funny and it isn't clever.
It's never okay to ill-treat a Mulder.
(NB It's never okay to ill-treat a Mulder except when Discipline!Skinners do it. This, of course, is for the Mulder's own good, which makes it perfectly all right.)'
End of Statement.
The Common Mulder is frequently stalked by the Krycek (Rattus juvenalis), although usually for non-hostile reasons. Indeed, the Krycek tends to spend much of his time breaking into the Mulder's apartment in order to have sex. The Mulder will respond to this with varying levels of reluctance, to which the Krycek will respond by producing either DAT tapes, valuable top secret documents, vital information about alien invasions or handcuffs. After this, the sex is usually pretty much a given.
The Mulder is otherwise hunted by a variety of military personnel and disgruntled law enforcement officers from government agencies whose top secret facilities the Mulder has broken into in the course of his career. There should probably be more of these than there actually are.
However rather than being pursued, it is more usual for the Mulder himself to abandon the Scully (if he has one) and to stalk the killer/monster/whatever of the week. Almost invariably he will then be captured and/or beaten up and have to be rescued. No plausible theory has yet been put forward as to why the Scully puts up with this week after week.
Much of the younger Mulder's mating habits seem to have been confined to watching pornographic videos of the Debbie Does Dallas ilk. It is generally agreed by slashers everywhere that the video habit is a smokescreen designed to hide the Mulder's feelings for balding, surly ex-marines and one-armed Russian double agents.
The Mulder may be reluctant to come to terms with his sexuality. Once he does come to terms with his denial, however, there's no stopping the Mulder as he makes up for lost time and has uninhibited sex all over the place.
A number of different subspecies of the Common Mulder exist, some of which are encountered more frequently than others. These can be differentiated principally by the Mulder's state of mind, which ranges from 'quite cheerful really' to 'suicidal'.
The Angst!Mulder (Foxwilliamii officinale Dolorous)
Perhaps the most common of the North American Mulders, Angst!Mulders can be distinguished by their plaintive cries of 'Oh God!, 'Scully!' and occasionally 'Samantha!'. These Mulders should be handled carefully as they can easily become depressed. If this happens it is recommended that either a No-Nonsense!Scully or an Experienced!Skinner be introduced to the Mulder's habitat. However caution should be exercised when considering the introduction of any of the common Kryceks as in many cases they have been found to make matters worse. Mysteriously, the Angst!Mulder appears to favour the Krycek over the Skinner, which is no doubt one of the reasons for all that angst in the first place.
The Angst!Mulder may suffer from any of the following conditions: inability to come to terms with sexuality, survivor guilt, Krycek related guilt, post-traumatic stress disorder, bad back from falling asleep on couch.
The preferred environment of the Angst!Mulder is sitting on his own in the dark.
Basketcase!Mulder (Foxwilliamii officinale Neuroticus)
Similar to the Angst!Mulder but with one or more of the following: major personality disorders, genetic mutations, recurrence of childhood traumas, regression to childhood, phobias, suicidal or self-harming tendencies, uncontrolled fits of rage, incidences of possession by demons and/or dead serial killers, general psychosis.
IMPORTANT! Do not approach. Do not allow to work in a responsible position within a large organisation such as the FBI.
Symptoms range from voices in the head and occasional unfocussed stares to speaking in tongues and foaming at the mouth. It is often remarkable how nobody else at the FBI notices this, not even Scully, who is supposed to be a doctor.
HappySlut!Mulder (Foxwilliamii officinale Muliercula)
Distinguishable by his cries of 'Do me! Do me!', the HappySlut!Mulder may often be found in the vicinity of Experienced!Skinners, Discipline!Skinners and Hot'n'Dirty!Kryceks. Perhaps the most cheerful and well-adjusted of all the Mulders, these creatures are noted for their willingness to get horizontal at a moment's notice, often with more than one person at once. While Happy!Slut Mulders may initially be reluctant to embrace their role, this state of affairs rarely tends to last long. In fact, the HappySlut!Mulder is often the one to initiate sex, especially when paired with a LongSuffering!Skinner.
Distinguishing features of this Mulder include pebbled nubs, straining shafts etc. etc. Behaviour has been reliably reported as being similar to that of a crazed mink. Peculiar mewling sounds have also been noted.
HappySlut!Mulders may be found in a wide variety of unlikely environments, including but not limited to the Mulder's office, the Skinner's office, the Mulder's apartment, the Skinner's apartment, sex shops, public conveniences, sleazy motels, the backs of cars, secluded woodland areas, not so secluded woodland areas, dark alleys, convenient doorways, the lifts in the FBI building, the stationery cupboards in the FBI building etc. etc. etc.
FOX FACT: There is no sleazy motel on the entire US mainland which has not at some time in its history played host to a HappySlut!Mulder.
A closely related Mulder to the HappySlut!Mulder is the TieMeUp!Mulder. This Mulder is most often found paired with the Discipline!Skinner, or more rarely the Discipline!Krycek. Slightly more angsty than the HappySlut!Mulder, the TieMeUp!Mulder wants nothing more than to be strapped to the nearest bed and spanked by the masterful Discipline!Skinner until he begs for mercy or, more frequently, sex. This is perfectly normal behaviour in the view of the author, who herself would actually rather enjoy... um, never mind.
Sensitive!Mulder (Foxwilliamii officinale Tenerum)
A happy medium, in which the Mulder, while occasionally indulging a tendency for lower-lip wobbling and angst. is still nonetheless relatively stable and competent. This Mulder tends to favour the Skinner over the Krycek, as the possibilities for angst in this relationship are slightly more limited e.g. Skinner responsible for refusing to sign 302s, disciplinary measures, occasional reluctant complicity in conspiracy, Skinner not responsible for killing Mulder's father, attempting to wipe partner out.
WellAdjusted!Mulder (Foxwilliamii officinale Vales)
Either mythical, extinct, or Dale Cooper wearing a wig.