The Mary Sue Drinking Game
by Wombat
Feedback: thewombat@dial.pipex.com
Website: http://dialspace.dial.pipex.com/town/drive/xsi35/warning.html
Rating: PG13, if that
Pairings: None, really
Status: Complete
Date: 12/09/98 for US date fans, 09/12/98 for us Brits
Category: Humour
Disclaimer: not mine, not getting paid, yadda yadda yadda
Notes: Sharyl inspired it, I wrote it. And remember, kids, don't drink and drive
Summary: It's a Mary Sue drinking game (duh!)
Warnings: none, utter fluff, not even any rude words.


The Mary Sue Drinking Game

A fun little drinking game for you to play this festive season. Think of it as my Christmas present to each and every one of you. Mary Sues, of course, are those original female, or male, characters in fanfic whose resemblance to the author in question is surely more than coincidence. You know them by the way Duncan and Methos fall at their feet, by the way that Jim and Blair hang on their every word. You know them by their selfless endeavours to get our boys together where they belong - in each other's arms. And of course there's the whole kill the bad guys/save the universe thing they've got going... but I digress.

Here's how to play the game. Every time one of the attributes listed below is mentioned in your story of choice, take another drink from your beer/wine/whiskey. Or pour yourself a whole new one, if you're feeling particularly adventurous. Just don't blame me if you're hungover the next morning and/or can't get the stains out of your carpet.

Physical attributes

Have a drink if a character:

Looks like the author's more attractive younger brother/sister would if they had one (two drinks).

Is stunningly handsome/beautiful.

Is stunningly handsome/beautiful with just one tiny flaw that isn't really a flaw e.g. cheekbones just a little too high, white streak in hair.

Has skin which is dramatically pale, dusky or golden.

Has hair which is golden, pure white, raven black or auburn (never mousy brown, bottle blonde with dark roots or grey and balding).

Has eyes which are brilliant blue, soft brown, dark and mysterious, or emerald green (never muddy grey-brown or pale and bulging) Have an extra drink every time the eyes flash or change colour at times of emotional upheaval.

Has eyes which somehow reflect hidden depths of experience and/or sorrow.

Is wearing leather.

Has a tasteful tattoo.

Causes a hush to fall over the room when he/she enters.

Has faint, romantic scar caused by previous brush with major character or bad guy.

Is either slender and graceful, lightly muscled and athletic or voluptuous with childbearing hips (no Mary Sue to date has ever been clinically obese).

Looks strangely ageless in a 'just pushing 21' kinda way.

Job

Have a drink if the character:

Has the same job as the author (two drinks)

Has a job the author would probably quite like to have

Is stupendously good at his/her job

Used to be the fifth Horseman of Apocalypse (Highlander only)

Used to be a priestess of an ancient and mysterious religion

Still is the priestess of an ancient and mysterious religion.

Used to be a white witch.

Still is a white witch, and is accompanied by a cat or cats (drink mug of herbal tea, plus one extra mug per cat).

Is a better hacker than all three of the Lone Gunmen put together.

Is a wild and carefree biker, goth or punk.

Used to be an agent in mysterious government black ops organisation but is now on the run with secrets that he/she is trying to make public.

Has thankless menial job e.g waiter, shop assistant, and spends most of his/her working life trying to get attractive guys to sleep together (no, I don't get this one either).

Mysterious Powers, Attributes and Abilities (General)

Have a drink if the character:

Is unaccountably adored by small children and animals

Is unaccountably adored by absolutely everyone (two drinks)

Has an almost empathic connection with one or more major characters

Has an actual empathic connection with one or more major characters

Has strange psychic powers

Has an unspecified aura of power and mysticism

Can see into the future

Has a mysterious connection with earth spirits

Has aura of power and goodness that makes bad guys unaccountably afraid of him/her

Can change shape (have an extra drink if this is into a large carnivore of some description)

Is able to see the hidden attraction between major characters despite the fact that they currently hate each other, haven't spoken in months and won't even stay in the same room together.

Can drink any named major character under the table.

Possesses a mysterious artifact that may reveal forgotten truths about major character's origins/parenthood/mysterious powers etc. (one drink per artifact)

Mysterious Powers, Attributes and Abilities (Highlander)

Have a drink if the character is:

Older than Methos

Just a tiny bit younger than Methos

Has known Methos longer than anyone else

Used to be Methos' best friend 3000 years ago.

Used to go out with Methos

Used to go out with Methos, but now wants to set him up with Duncan

Is good enough to beat Duncan in a swordfight

Is a better thief than Amanda.

Astounds Joe with his/her musical talent and/or cocktail mixing abilities.

Astounds Richie with his/her motorbike racing or repair skills

Mysterious Powers, Attributes and Abilities (Sentinel)

Have a drink if the character is:

A world expert on shamanism and the only person in the world who can help Jim and Blair solve whatever the problem of the week is.

A librarian at the university library.

A Sentinel who's way better at it than Jim is.

A Guide who's way better at it than Blair is.

A new Professor at the university who has amazing insights into the whole Sentinel business.

An attractive new neighbour who has just moved in next door to Jim and Blair's apartment.

Blair/Jim's new boyfriend/girlfriend who realises that the guys are really meant for each other and does his/her best to get them together.

Origins and Mysterious Past

Have a drink if it is revealed that the character:

Used to be a major character's first love or old girlfriend/boyfriend he never got over.

Came from the lost city of Atlantis or other mysterious lost civilisation.

Is on the run from the law after being falsely accused of something.

Has been sent back in time from the future to stop a disaster happening.

Comes from an alternative dimension.

Comes from an alternative dimension with elves and unicorns in it (drink entire bottle of vodka. Repeat until unconscious.)

Plot Lines

Have a drink if during the story the character gets to:

Get two major characters to realise their love for each other (although you can probably take this one as read).

Give them sex tips.

Provide them with a hotel room, lube, condoms and/or champagne (one drink for each of these).

Sleep with the major character or characters the author finds most attractive (two drinks, plus one per extra participant).

Catch/kill all the bad guys, even the ones who were too tough and clever for the major characters to outwit.

Provide healing therapy which makes major characters realise the truth about themselves and their feelings.

Give major characters a darn good talking to which makes them realise the truth about themselves and their feelings.

Give major characters a sad and knowing look which makes them realise the truth about themselves and their feelings.

Make major characters realise the truth about themselves and their feelings just by being in the same room, town or state.

Pretend to be going out with major character one so major character two realises how he truly feels about him.

Track down the serial killer just before he kills the next victim.

Save the world / the universe / the Starship Enterprise / any major U.S City / a busload of nuns or orphans (one drink for each).

Save any of the above while nobly sacrificing his/her own life (two drinks).

Alter the course of human history.

Pretend to be out to get major character one so major character two realises how he truly feels about him.

Earn a major character's undying gratitude for any reason whatever.

Unite any two or more estranged family members (one drink per family member).

Nobly sacrifice him/herself so that another character may live.

Nobly deny his/her love for other character so that other character may be united with their one true partner.

Discover the cure for a major disease.

Defuse the bomb with just ten seconds left.

Whip up a fabulous meal in twenty minutes using nothing but the contents of Methos' fridge.

The End

Have a drink if the character finishes the story by:

Slipping away as our new lovers embrace, satisfied that his/her work is done.

Slipping away, knowing that while she/he is there, the memories of their old love will always be too poignant for major character one to ever be truly content with major character two.

Starting up a relationship with major character three (e.g Richie, Scully, Simon).

Vanishing as mysteriously as he/she came.

Having a tasteful funeral with major characters weeping at graveside (finish current bottle).