A short fluff piece, written after the ATXC reaction to the events of the episode 'The Red and the Black'.
No beta readers were harmed in the making of this fanfic.
-Hold on a minute. Did they just...? Nah. Must have imagined it.
-Imagined what, dear?
-I thought I just saw the Russian one... what's his name? Krycek, that's it. I thought I just saw Krycek kiss Mulder.
-Don't be silly dear. We all know that Mulder really loves Scully, even though at the rate they're going they won't get to second base until they're both well into their forties.
-You're right. All those meaningful glances. That time when he said he was sorry he didn't get her a desk. That time five episodes ago when he gave her a peck on the cheek. That episode during season three when he held her hand for almost a whole ten seconds...
-Hello? Yes hello Phyllis dear? What? You saw it too? Dear, Phyllis says she saw it too!
-She can't have done. He was probably whispering something in Mulder's ear. Yes, that's it. It just looked as if he was giving him a kiss. They ought to be more careful with their camera angles. And um... their sound effects.
-Phyllis says she's sure it was a kiss, dear.
-Well, um, maybe it was a kiss, but... I know! It was brotherly. One of those Russian things. You probably see it all the time in Russia. They probably stick their tongues down each other's throats at the drop of a hat. Maybe it's how they say hello over there.
-Well if you say so. Dear, isn't Mulder looking rather pale?
-Well, that's easy to explain. It's shock. I mean, he's not used to these Russian customs and Krycek did jump on him rather hard. Maybe he's been injured.
-You know, dear, I think you might be right.
-Of course I'm right. Look, Krycek's loosening Mulder's clothing.
-Isn't it a bit more usual to start off with the collar, dear?
-Well yes, but it all depends where Mulder's been injured. You've got to relieve pressure on the affected area.
-My goodness, it does look sore. All red and swollen.
-There you are, you see. And now Krycek's starting to rub it better. And um... kiss it better. And now he's... he's
-Sucking it better, dear?
<<There are gasps and moans from the television.>>
-Well obviously it's some kind of primitive Russian first aid. Like... like sucking the poison out or something.
-It doesn't seem to be working very well, dear. Mulder's making an awful lot of noise. He sounds quite distressed.
-He's probably wishing Scully was there to look after him. After all, she is a proper doctor, not like that awful Krycek at all.
-That must be it. <<The moans continue. There is the sound of ripping cloth>> Dear, why is Krycek taking all Mulder's clothes off?
-He must be checking for more injuries.
-And now he's taking all his own clothes off too. I wonder why that is.
-Well I guess they're both just very, very hot. Maybe there's something wrong with the air conditioning.
-I'm sure you're right. Wait a minute. Are they.. are they getting into bed, dear?
-*Sigh.* Well *clearly* Mulder's gone into shock because of his injuries and now he has hypothermia. Krycek's putting him to bed and trying to warm him up by transferring body heat. It's obvious when you think about it. <<Sounds of moaning, groaning and thrashing around>> And... and he's *obviously* delerious, which is why he's making so much noise.
-Oh obviously, dear.
-And Krycek's wrestling him into submission.
-Well it certainly seems to be working, dear.
<<Sounds of headboard banging against wall. More moans.>>
-Mark my words, it's all part of some evil plot... Maybe he's drilling another hole in Mulder's head. Look, the comforter is falling off. We'll be able to see what's really happening. Maybe he's... maybe he's... OH MY GOD!!!
-Well I never! Isn't it amazing what they can do with those prosthetic arms these days? Dear? Dear?! Dear, have you taken your pills today? Deep breaths, dear, that's right...
-*Gasp pant gasp...* Ok. Ok. So they're having sex. It must be... it's all a horrible dream. Yes, that must be it...
-Didn't they just have one of those, dear? I think I read on one of the newsgroups that the entire Post Modern Prometheus episode was an allegorical dream sequence stemming from Mulder's subconscious.
-Or.. or, I know, it's symbolic! Mulder and Krycek having sex is symbolic of... um... it'll come to me in a minute, but it's definitely symbolic! Probably of Mulder's pure love for Scully or something...
-I'm sure you're right, dear. <<Sound of more moans, slowly rising to a crescendo>> Gosh! You know dear, I never would have thought of using handcuffs quite like that.
-Or.. or, I know, alien mind control. The aliens have taken over Mulder and they're forcing him to have hot, mindblowing sex with Krycek as part of their plot to colonise the earth! Or maybe they've drugged his water supply again!
-Dear, I think you should go and lie down for a while. I know! I'll keep watching, and I'll tell you if you miss anything.
-But this isn't fair! What about Scully! How could he betray the one true love of his life like this?
-I'm sure there'll be a perfectly reasonable explanation, dear. Now you go and have a nice sleep, and I'll keep watching just to find out what it is. And, dear...?
-Dear, did we tape that? Not that I want to watch it over and over and over again or anything..
Title: Denial II
Email address: firstname.lastname@example.org
Warnings: HUMUNGOUS, STONKING GREAT SPOILERS FOR EXISTENCE!
Archive: Feel Free
Summary: Let's all go to Denial!
P.S: I wasn't kidding about those spoilers
P.S.S: Yup, really wasn't kidding. Stop reading now. You have been warned.
Koalagurl: 'Okay, ideas, people.'
Xandy: 'Could have been brotherly.'
Rosiebear: 'Brotherly. I can work with that.'
Koalagurl: 'Yeah, but brotherly... with tongues?'
Everyone in the room: 'Ew!'
(There is the sound of lengthy smooching from the TV)
Rosiebear (hopefully): 'Mulder trying to mess with Scully's head? Ethnic Washington DC greeting custom?'
Koalagurl: 'It's no good. Hands up everyone who thinks this is some kind of alien plot.'
Xandy: 'Personally I'm going for clones.'
Koalagurl: 'Or it could have been a dream sequence, couldn't it? Please? Please somebody tell me it was all just a horrible dream sequence.'
Rosiebear (breathing a heavy sigh): 'Pass the vodka over, willya? Next time I say "So it's the season ender, how bad can it be?" I want you guys to take me outside and work me over the baseball bats.'
Rosiebear: 'Wow. Poor Alex.'
Koalagurl: 'The Skinner/Krycek slashers are not going to be happy.'
Xandy (with deep, deep, sarcasm): 'Oh, ya THINK?'
Rosiebear (with the air of someone really reaching): 'Maybe they'll try to write it off as some kind of BDSM thing.'
Xandy (brightening): 'Hey, that could work. Remember all the fun we had that time Skinner beat Krycek up and handcuffed him to the railing outside his window?'
Rosiebear (with a happy sigh): 'Those were the good old days. Brought a whole new meaning to the term "balcony scene".'
Koalagurl (dubiously): 'Yeah, but I don't know. Shooting him? Three times? I mean once, yeah, but three times? And in the head?'
There is a moody silence. The theme from "Titanic" swells triumphantly from the TV, which is immediately showered with a hail of popcorn, some peanuts, a convenient vase and somebody's shoe.'
Xandy (disconsolately): 'We should have seen it coming. That Triangle ep. The slow dance at the end of Post Modern Prometheus. That time when they didn't quite kiss in the movie. The baybee...'
Everyone in the room shudders dramatically, en-masse.
There is another moody silence. On-screen Mulder and Scully are bounding towards each other in slow-motion across a flowery field, their arms outstretched. A Laborador puppy has appeared from somewhere and bounces happily around their feet as Mulder swings Scully into the air.
Koalagurl (starting to rock back and forth, she is clearly losing her grip): 'This is not happening. This is SO not happening.'
Xandy (shakily): 'What.. what are the shippers posting?'
Rosiebear (checking email): 'One word. Babyfic.'
Everyone in the room shudders dramatically again.
Rosiebear (unable to leave it alone): 'It's mostly about how Mulder says things like "Ooddoo squiddy ickle nose den?" And when Mulder and Scully could have done it during season seven. And how happy they are together now both of their lives are totally complete.'
Koalagurl (screaming hoarsely): 'How could you do this to us, Carter? You bastard! You complete and utter bastard! We thought you understood! YOU SAID THEY'D NEVER GET TOGETHER, DAMN YOU!'
Xandy (with a sigh): 'Sit on her till she's calmed down a bit.'
They wrestle Koalagurl to the ground, pile sofa cushions on her and sit on top of her.
Rosiebear: 'It's no good, we need to face facts. If there's another season, how bad is this going to get?'
Xandy (with a shudder): 'There'll be the wedding, of course.'
Rosiebear (and clearly the words are like ashes in her mouth): 'Skinner giving away the bride.'
Xandy (in dull, hollow tones): 'The honeymoon.'
Rosiebear: 'And don't forget... the baybee.'
Everyone in the room shudders dramatically for a third time.
On TV the end credits start to roll. Mulder and Scully appear, smiling cheesily at each other and rocking back and forwards in time to an old Elton John number. Mulder (singing with an inane grin): 'Don't go breaking my heart.' Scully (looking up at him adoringly): 'I couldn't if I tried.' Mulder: 'Oh honey if I get restless.' Scully (simpering): 'Baby you're not that kind...'
Everyone makes exaggerated retching motions, even Koalagurl under the cushions. Xandy stabs violently at the remote until the unbearable torture is ended.
Xandy: 'A party election broadcast! What a relief!'
They sit and watch numbly for a while.
Xandy (drearily): 'So I suppose the Mulder/Scully lot are going crazy.'
Rosiebear (checking her email again): 'Granted the message boards are full of incoherent posts from shippers going on endlessly about this being the crowning moment of their entire lives. But there are still a few of them who don't seem to be too happy about it. Guess they recognised something a bit fishy when it's shoved under their noses for a sniff.'
A muffled protest comes from beneath the cushions. While the words are not all clearly discernible, it seems to be something about the writing in this episode being not merely a bit fishy, but resembling the suppurating, bloated, three-month old corpse of great Cthulu himself.
There is another moody silence.
Xandy: 'There's no other way out. There's only one thing left to do. We have to go into denial.'
Xandy (bracingly): 'Nothing wrong with denial. It's a long-established fanfic tradition. When Richie died in Highlander, did those fans complain?'
Rosiebear: 'Uh, yeah. They bitched about it for months. Years. I think some of them are still subject to restraining orders.'
Xandy: 'Okay, so that was a bad example. But when they drowned Blair in Sentinel, did those fans complain?'
Rosiebear: 'They complained so much that they not only saved his life but got another half a season of episodes made.'
Xandy (irritably): 'Okay, so that was a bad example too. But realistically, what good are bitching and complaining likely to do us? It's not gonna help much now. Carter's not only burnt the boats, he's blowtorched them to little piles of ashes. And stomped on the ashes. And burnt the stomped bits. He couldn't go back even if he wanted.'
Rosiebear (gloomily) 'You're right. Can you imagine what the shippers will do to him if he messes up the Mulder/Scully relationship now? I think some of them have guns. Baseball bats for sure.'
Koalagurl (fighting her way out from under the cushions): 'Do we have baseball bats too? I'm pretty sure we have baseball bats too!'
Rosiebear (sternly): 'Violence isn't the answer.'
Koalagurl: 'Yes it is! Why not?'
There is a brief struggle which ends when they pile even more cushions on top of her.
Rosiebear: 'So denial, you say? We could give it a try.'
Xandy: 'Yeah.' She takes a deep breath. 'You know, you gotta feel sorry for those shippers.'
Rosiebear just stares at her, speechless.
Xandy (courageously expanding on this dubious theme): 'It's real now, so Chris Carter can screw it up. Most of those guys have a visions of the perfect Mulder/Scully relationship. Whatever Carter does, he can't ever match it, especially given the nature of the characters he's created.'
Rosiebear (slowly): 'You know, you're right. Mulder is so spectacularly dysfunctional that the only place the relationship can go from here is downhill. The only way the shippers can possibly win is if neither Mulder or Scully ever appears on the X-Files again!'
Xandy (encouragingly): 'So you see, really we're the lucky ones!'
Rosiebear (with increasing enthusiasm): 'And, and, it could still all go horribly wrong. I wouldn't put it past Chris Carter. He could still turn it around.'
Xandy: 'What do you mean?'
Rosiebear: 'Well think of everything Scully's got to deal with right now. It's such a responsibility. He can't feed himself properly yet, won't sleep through the night...'
Xandy (raising a knowing eyebrow at readers who saw this coming a mile off): '...all that and the baby to look after as well. Poor Scully!'
Rosiebear: 'And just think of the number of times Mulder's dropped his gun. What chance has that poor baby got?'
There is a pause.
Rosiebear: 'What is the woman THINKING?'
Xandy: 'It doesn't matter. The main thing is that when she dumps Mulder, she can marry Doggett!'
Koalagurl (her head emerging from the cushions): 'Brilliant! I like Doggett! Scully'll be much happier with Doggett than with Mulder. They should get married straight away!'
Xandy: 'Freeing up Mulder to be with the one person who's truly understood and supported him from the beginning! Skinner!'
Rosiebear: Of course! 'Cos Skinner needs Mulder to make his cold and empty apartment seem like a home again and Mulder needs Skinner to provide a sense of discipline and stability in his troubled life, and to occasionally hold him down and send him to secure institutions! It's so obvious! How could anyone not get that?'
Xandy: But what the hey! Even if Carter doesn't screw it all up in the first ep of season nine...'
Rosiebear: 'Which we're by no means ruling out here...'
Xandy: 'It won't matter! Most slash universes are alternative anyway!'
Rosiebear: 'Hell, half the Krycek let are still writing him with two arms! A little thing like a bullet through the head isn't going to stop them!.'
Koalagurl (strugglnig out): And that's assuming he isn't a clone! And just think of all the Highlander crossovers we're going to get out of this! His name begins with a K and everything!'
Xandy: 'And what the hell, everyone in the X-files has been dead at least once! It's like the measles! Krycek was overdue!'
There is moment's silence.
Xandy: 'Okay, that's reaching.'
Koalagurl (excited, shaking her): 'It doesn't matter at all! That's the beauty of denial!'
Rosiebear: 'And if the worst come to the worst we can write all the bits we don't like off as a dream sequence!'
They draw into a huddle and have a brief, whispered conference,
Xandy: 'So we're agreed. Everything after "The Red and the Black" totally didn't happen, except for the good bits with Skinner in them.'
Rosiebear: 'Whew! I'm feeling better already!'
Koalagurl: 'Oh boy, we are in so much denial here.' She and Rosiebear dance round in a circle, holding hands. 'Denial, denial, denial! Lovely denial!'
Xandy: 'Oh, screw this. What time does West Wing start?'
Archived: May 27, 2001