Dear Mr. Mulder
by Wombat
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: thewombat@dial.pipex.com
Website: http://dialspace.dial.pipex.com/town/drive/xsi35/warning.html
Inspired by and dedicated to the divine Anna, who wrote a vignette some time back which included a mention of Mulder's neighbour, Mrs Wicker, who wouldn't even answer the door to him any more. Here are the reasons why...


Dear Mr Mulder,

Hi! And welcome to 2360 Hegal Place! I'm Tina Wicker, your new next door neighbour and the unofficial head of the 2360 Hegal Place residents' committee. You'll find us a quiet but friendly little community. On behalf of all the other residents, I hope you'll enjoy your stay here! I'll probably come round and introduce myself when you've settled in.

Tina Wicker

P.S I'm heading down to IKEA later this week. Just leave me a note if you want to come along - I notice you're rather short of furniture!

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Dear Mr Mulder,

I'm so sorry we keep missing each other. You do work some strange hours, but I hear that you're an FBI agent so that's quite understandable! I'm sure we'll all feel a lot safer, knowing that you're here. By the way, some men came along to rewire your apartment. You were out so I let them in - I hope that's all right.

Oh, and just something to be aware of: I'm sure you appreciate that the walls of these apartments are rather thinner than they could be. Please could you be considerate and keep your TV turned down after midnight, especially when you're watching your "specialist" videos!

Thanks,

Tina

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Residents' Newsletter

... and finally, would whoever owns the large van with the blacked out windows that keeps taking my parking space please find somewhere else to park?

Thanks, Tina

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Dear Mr Mulder,

I notice three very peculiar people entering your apartment the other day. When I challenged them, the tall blond one said they were looking for bugs. If you have a pest control problem, which I might add is hardly surprising given the number of fast food boxes you seem to leave around your apartment, may I remind you that it is a matter for the janitor. Incidentally, if you do feel that you have to deal with this problem yourself, you may wish to change the firm you use as these appear to be making free with both your apartment and your video collection. Incidentally, the short one with the dark greasy hair made an extremely improper suggestion to me. I hope you will take this up with their supervisor.

Tina

P.S I noticed you had tape on your window again. If it's broken you should arrange for the maintenance people to call round to fix it.

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Residents' Newsletter

I'm sad to report that there has been a theft of food from the communal chest freezer in the basement. The use of this freezer is a privilege, not a right, and if any further thefts occur the caretaker may be forced to padlock it. Of course, this may be a simple case of mistaken identity. If so, could the person who removed a freezer bag of frozen chicken livers please replace it? Thank you.

On another note, the caretaker has asked me to mention that quite of number of the grilles covering the ventilation ducts have been unscrewed. If you have small children, please do make sure that they are supervised at all times.

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Residents' Newsletter

... congratulations to Mr Cummings on his appointment to the Wetlands Preservation Subcommittee, to Dr Middleton on her appointment as a surgical resident and to Jackie Tolson for finishing her doctoral thesis on applied cryogenics technology. Well done also to Mr Mulder, whose most recent case made the front pages of both the National Enquirer and the Weekly World News (Human Liver Fluke Terrorises New Jersey)...

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Dear Mr Mulder,

I feel I ought to tell you that I met a young man in black leather outside your door the other day. He said that you'd asked him to feed your fish and forgotten to give him your key. Since he seemed quite friendly and appeared to know you, I arranged with the caretaker to lend him the spare until you got back. Hope this is OK!

Tina

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Dear Mr Mulder

There was someone else trying to get into your apartment this morning - a tall balding gentleman wearing a trenchcoat. Apparently you asked him to feed your fish too, and you hadn't given him a key either! I told him I'd given the spare to the man in the leather jacket and he seemed most put out. Oh well, as long as one of them is feeding your fish, I don't suppose it matters too much!

Tina

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Dear Mr Mulder

The young man in the black leather was here again today. Apparently you changed your lock and forgot to give him the new key again. I really can't keep lending him the spare like this.

Tina

P.S I notice that you are still keeping your TV on through the night, also that you're still practising with your basketball inside the building. Do you *ever* read any of my notes?

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Mr Mulder,

I had to use the lift last night after straining my ankle quite badly after a visit to the gym, and I was quite horrified when the doors opened to reveal the black gentleman who visits you from time to time fighting with the tall bald gentleman from your office. Now I'm aware that your private life is none of my business but I'd appreciate it if you would ask your friends to take their personal quarrels to a more appropriate location, especially when you are away on one of your cases.

Tina

P.S Your mail was building up in your box while you were away, so I'm keeping it safe in my apartment for the time being, since it seems to include a couple of parcels of videos. Someone seems to have sent you a Victoria's Secret catalogue by mistake! Sometimes I swear I don't know how these companies get hold of people's names!

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Residents' Newsletter

I have had a number of complaints about fast food deliveries being made to the building at all hours of the night. Please could residents be more considerate, especially late at night when others are trying to sleep. Also, has anyone else noticed that there seems to be a lot more helicopter traffic over the building at night these days? No word from the management company about fitting energy efficient window units to keep the noise down, but we live in hope!

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Residents' Newsletter

Good news! It seems that our hard water problems will soon be a thing of the past! I ran into the engineers on their way upstairs to fit a new water softener, so no more grumbles about the management company never doing anything for us! The engineers told me that there may be a slightly funny taste in the water for a couple of days, but when I drank some earlier it seemed fine to me. Anyway, just a short newsletter today. I have quite a bad headache and the disembodied voices of the Brady Bunch are being beamed down into my apartment by secret government spy bases on the moon, so I'm having to keep all the lights turned off. I think the foil helmet is helping, and at least the voices aren't plotting against me like Mr Sczlaruk in number 12 and the Lincolns in number 22.

Tina

P.S The invisible kitty that lives behind the walls wants me to tell you that I hate my mother.

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Residents' Newsletter

...all shocked and saddened at the murder of long time resident Mr Lebowski by his wife. It's unexpected tragedy like this that draws us all more closely together.

On a more personal note, thank you all for your concern for my health after my last newsletter. Good news - the psychiatrist says that my little 'episode' was due to an allergy to the new water softening chemicals and I should be out of the secure facility and back with you in two or three days, pending a few routine tests...

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Mr Mulder,

I was quite appalled to receive news that you were involved in a shoot-out with your partner and the dark haired gentleman in the leather jacket outside the building last night. This is a residential area, not a shooting range. Next time I will call the police.

Ms Wicker

P.S I most sincerely hope that isn't a bullet hole in your window.

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Mr Mulder

I and the other residents would appreciate it if you, your partner and your boss would take your arguments elsewhere. May I remind you again how thin the walls of these apartments are? I understand that people in most jobs settle their workplace differences by sitting down and talking it out around a table, not by shouting and threatening each other with firearms.

Ms Wicker

P.S Next time I will most definitely call the police.

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Mr Mulder

Please remind your friend, Ms Scully, that dogs are not allowed in this building. Could you also mention that perhaps she should also consider feeding it more often. Old Mrs Grant mentioned to me earlier today that it was giving her some very hungry looks.

Ms Wicker

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Dear Dana

Hi! It was great to finally meet you. Who would believe that agent Mulder would have such a down to earth partner? I was sorry to hear about your little dog, what a tragic way for him to be killed. Thanks for your advice about going for that Internet date I was telling you about. It wasn't really that much of a success, to be honest. I lost all that weight but when I met him he just didn't seem to be interested. Oh well, those are the breaks, I guess.

Tina

P.S I wonder if you could mention to your partner about keeping his television turned down, also could you remind him of the new resident's committee guidelines about fast food deliveries after midnight and the playing of ballgames indoors?

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Mr Mulder,

Please stop bouncing your basketball on the walls and ceiling! It is most inconsiderate and extremely distracting for other residents. I notice that you have tape over your window again - if you have managed to break it again, may I remind you again that you need to submit a form to maintenance.

Ms Wicker

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Residents' Newsletter

...all shocked and saddened at the recent murder of a visitor to the building just outside Mr Mulder's apartment. The police have assured me that the killing was a shocking but random act of violence, and the building management will be replacing all the locks and fitting additional security measures...

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Mr Mulder

No, I'm afraid that I'll be unable to feed your fish while you go on holiday. Why don't you get the young man in the black leather jacket to do it, I had to let him into your apartment *again* the other day. If you asked him to keep an eye on the place while the maintenance men rechecked the wiring you should at least have given him an up-to-date key. He's knocked on my door so many times we're practically on first name terms. It's all right for now, though, I've given him your spare so he can get a copy made. Incidentally, he was looking rather the worse for wear. Has he done something to his arm?

Ms Wicker

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Residents' Newsletter

'... all shocked and saddened by yet another death, that of Mr Ostlehoff from flat 52 who apparently chose Mr Mulder's apartment in which to shoot himself. The victim was not, as at first believed, Mr Mulder. Condolences to Mr Ostlehoff's family. Goodbye also to Mrs Lee and Ms Goldman, both of whom are moving out at the end of the week. May I remind tenants that although the management company has been very understanding in this instance, a month's notice is normally required...'

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Dear Fox

What a pleasant conversation we had in the hall the other day! It just shows that anyone can be a good neighbour if they just make the effort! You almost seemed like a different person.

Tina

P.S I hope your visit to Dana went well! It's kind of flattering that you came to me for advice about finally asking her out. All I can say is, it's about time! We were all starting to think you were a hopeless case!

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Excerpt from Letter from Tina Wicker to the Manager, Hidden Agenda DC City Tours

...if you do not refrain from including Hegal Place on your 'Conspiracy Theory Trail' tour of the greater DC area I will be forced to ask the building owner to take legal action...

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Residents' Newsletter

...and to Ms Miller for her new partnership in local law firm Carter, Black and Davies. Finally Mr Mulder seems to have achieved notoriety in the tabloid press again. ('Slayings linked to Texas Trailer Trash Vampires')...

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Mr Mulder

If you must entertain your young friend in the black leather jacket, the very least you could do is shut the door behind you. I appreciate that these are the 1990's, but the door does lead onto a communal hallway and some of our residents are quite elderly and easily shocked. I appreciate too that a quick kiss on the cheek does not triple X material make, but really, try to be a little more discreet about your love life.

Tina Wicker

P.S I take it your date with Dana didn't work out?

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Washington Post : Property section cutting

'... crime rates among the lowest in the DC area. Our verdict - certainly worth considering if you're thinking of starting a family. On the other end of the scale are the unlucky residents of Hegal Place in Alexandria, an apartment building with a murder/suicide rate similar to those in the worst of Washington's crime infested housing projects. City officials are mystified as to why this small block of unremarkable apartments, populated in the main by retired couples and young, single professionals, has averaged one violent death or attempted murder a year over the last few years. However if you do feel like taking the risk, property prices in the surrounding area are falling all the time...'

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Residents' Newsletter

...still awaiting an explanation for last week's shooting incident outside the apartment block, witnessed by a number of residents, involving Mr Mulder and an ambulance driver. Apparently, Mr Mulder left for Antarctica immediately after being discharged from hospital and will be unavailable for the next several days. I'm certain that when he returns he'll be able to explain this to everyone's satisfaction before I bring this matter up with the building management...'

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Type-written letter, smelling strongly of cigarette smoke.

Dear Mrs Wicker,

Re: 2360 Hegal Place

I've examined with interest the extensive file you have been kind enough to send me about the activities of my tenant, Mr Fox Mulder of apartment number 42.

However as the landlord I simply do not have the grounds to evict Mr Mulder. None of the murders or suicides in the apartment block have been directly linked to Mr Mulder by the police, and I fail to see how he could possibly be responsible for your allergy to the new water softening chemicals, the disappearance of foodstuffs from the communal freezer or the air vent covers being mysteriously unscrewed.

While Mr Mulder may have some rather undesirable friends, and may not always be entirely considerate of his neighbours, he does appear to be more sinned against than sinning. I feel that perhaps a little more tolerance on your part may be called for. I hesitate to mention it, but it appears that you have become rather obsessed with Mr Mulder of late. It may not be my place to suggest it, but considering the 'allergy' episode you described, perhaps you should consider seeking professional help.

Yours sincerely

William Morley (landlord)