The American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Mulders
by Wombat
Rating: PG-13
Date: 6/6/00
Feedback: thewombat@dial.pipex.com
Website: http://dialspace.dial.pipex.com/town/drive/xsi35/warning.html
End cruelty to Mulders now with the ASPCM.


The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Mulders was founded in 1999.

It was set up in recognition of fact that Mulders, familar to almost all of us through television and the internet, are often cruelly treated and in need of our care and protection.

Mulders have become part of our lives. It's hard to imagine an American household which doesn't regularly gather around the TV to watch the antics of the Mulder as he emerges from his basement den to irritate high-ranking government officials, attempt to demolish far-reaching government conspiracies and forage for Chinese takeout and pizza.

It's also hard to imagine, when you see a Mulder on the television or in a piece of fanfiction, that some authors and screenwriters are less kindly disposed towards Mulders than you or I. Sadly, many of these people seem to regard these delightful creatures as little more than pests. Even more tragically, there are authors and screenwriters who go out of their way to gratuitously abuse the Mulders in their care.

Many hundreds of Mulders a year are injured, ill-treated or even killed by the very people who are responsible for them and who should be looking after them.

The ASPCM believes the time has come to say NO to this cruelty.

Cruelty to Mulders: The Facts

Many people find it hard to accept that cruelty to Mulders exists. However watching a couple of episodes of the X-Files, or browsing through even a few of the stories on the internet will provide a graphic illustration of the true extent of Mulderabuse today.

Here are just two of our case studies.

This sad Mulder, recently found by ASPCM workers, spent his first few weeks in our care centre hiding under his desk and emerging only for takeout. He was terrified that ASPCM carers would make him return to Amperage and Livengoo fanfic 'Oklahoma'.

Not only was this Mulder beaten, whipped and thrown into a freezing Russian jail cell, he was also tied down with chicken wire and experimented on by cruel scientists. Later he was caught in the blast of an enormous fertiliser explosion. The party responsible for this appalling ill-treatment? Step forward, many time offender Chris Carter.

Do you have an example of cruelty to a Mulder? Don't be afraid to name names.

Remember, we can only help the Mulders we know about.

Ten Reasons Why Mulders are our Friends

They help keep down pests such as cow-sucking mutants, albino zombies, deadly reanimated Peruvian mummies and trailer dwelling vampire teenagers.

They irritate many government officials, making the rest of us look good by comparison.

They help support this nation's struggling pencil making and sunflower seed retailing industries.

Not to mention dry cleaning.

They make us feel so much better about our own families.

They provide some of the first ever positive role models for sex-starved workaholics who have no lives.

By breaking into military bases so often, Mulders help reveal holes in their defences. They also help keep our nation's armed forces in a state of constant readiness!

Girls! Two words: Red speedos.

Guys! They make "adult home entertainment" look cool and quirky rather than just plain sad.

Summer evenings in the Washington DC area would seem far emptier without the Mulder's familiar nocturnal cries of 'Scully!', 'Samantha!' and, of course, 'Oh God, Walter, yes, harder!'

What you can do

Report a case of cruelty to a Mulder.

Have you seen an episode or read a story in which a Mulder is gratuitously abused? We can't do anything to help ill-treated Mulders unless we know about them. If you can tell us where to find them, we can send our inspectors round to investigate. ASPCM Inspectors check out all complaints about cruelty to Mulders without exception, and we guarantee that we will never turn a sick or abused Mulder away. Call our cruelty hotline on 555-SADMLDR, or, alternatively, email us at the ASCPM.

If you are an Author...

...do any of these excuses sound familar to you?

'There wouldn't be any dramatic tension if nothing bad happened to Mulder!'

'Chris Carter does it all the time!'

'Mulder's used to it!'

'It wouldn't be a proper X-File if Mulder didn't get beaten up / hit by a car / shot / stabbed / poisoned / drugged / horribly tortured!'

'Mulder represents both the victim of and and fighter against an oppressive and secretive society that mirrors our own! His suffering in our fanfiction validates the intensity of his (and, by proxy, our) struggle against forces that most of us do not understand and are otherwise powerless against!'

'But he looks so cute when his lower lip goes all quivery!'

True though the last may be, please, writers, remember:

There are always alternatives to Mulder Abuse

While being thrown against the wall and lightly roughed up by Skinner has actually been proven in case studies to be beneficial to the Mulder, there are no other excuses for abusing the Mulders in your care.

Remember:

If you want to get information, truth drugs work as well as horrible protracted torture

If your Mulder is captured for experimentation, remember that just because they're evil consortium mad scientist guys, it doesn't mean they don't use anaesthetics.

If you want to slow your Mulder down, a twisted ankle is just as good as a compound fracture of the thighbone

Also a flat tyre works just as well as a head-on collision.

Avoid unnecessary angst - keep your Mulder's parents away. He probably has other family members he gets along with quite well you could use instead.

Mulder and Scully. Face it, they just aren't meant to be together. Maybe Mulder would be happier with someone else. A gruff, balding authority figure of some sort, to choose an example at random.

Writer Re-Education Programme

Re-education is an important part of our work here at the ASPCM, and writers may wish to attend some of our free workshops.

'Smart fanfic writers, foolish choices'

'Angst is Muldertorture too'

'Painless interrogation methods 101'

'Scully is from Mars, Chris Carter still hasn't told us where Mulder's from.'

Send us a Special, One-Time Gift

The work of the ASPCM is, unfortunately, expensive to continue. If you can, send us a gift of however much or little you can afford. We promise to put your money to good use, and never to turn away an injured Mulder.

$2000 will be enough to send an abused Mulder on a confidence building two week vacation to either Graceland or Vegas.

Just $500 will buy a Mulder a second-hand laptop and modem with which he can keep in touch with his secret government contacts and surf his favorite internet conspiracy theory sites.

$100 will help us to buy enough pizza and chinese takeout to feed a Mulder for a week.

$50 will pay for replacement fish for a Mulder's apartment.

$40 will pay for enough porn videos to keep a Mulder happily entertained for up to a month.

Even a gift of $5 will help buy a Mulder a week's supply of sunflower seeds or pencils he can spend many happy and theraputic hours throwing into the ceiling tiles.

The Adopt-a-Mulder Programme

Sarcastic yet offhandedly affectionate, who can resist the appealing brown eyes and limited social skills of a Mulder?

Sadly, it seems, only too many people. Cases of cruelty to Mulders are increasing every month, and our resources are becoming ever more stretched. That's why we're asking for kindly friends of the ASPCM to find a place in their hearts, and their homes, to care for just one of our rescued Mulders. The Mulder will be perfectly happy in a basement office or cramped apartment. He won't even need a bed, just a comfortable couch situated in front of a TV - and what American household doesn't have one of those!!

At first, your Mulder may seem paranoid and introverted, although we admit that this is often hard to distinguish from his normal behaviour. However soon you'll have the joy of seeing your Mulder grow in confidence until he is regularly interfering in major police enquiries and breaking into military bases near your home in search of evidence of an alien conspiracy.

Adoptive Mulder Owner Mrs EG said:
'It was the happiest moment of my life when my Mulder phoned me at 3am for the first time and asked me to pick him up from a missile base in Wyoming and also to bring clothes and a geiger counter.'

Adoptive Mulder Owner Mrs RAC told us:
'Even though my Mulder has now left to begin a new life on his own, he still keeps in touch, often sending me postcards, and packages of classified documents which he asks me to leave in the left-luggage lockers at the Port Authority Bus Station in New York for him.'

Adoptive Mulder Owners Mr and Mrs AL said:
'Every time we open the door to find our Mulder standing there in handcuffs with local detectives, we feel a little twinge of pride. He's come so far since the early days, and we feel that having our house regularly raided by armed Consortium agents in search of top secret DAT tapes is a small price to pay.

Adoptive Owner Mr SP said:
'Our Mulder was quiet and withdrawn at first, but now if there's one thing he's good at, it's getting into mischief! Last year everyone in our street was quarantined by the CDC for three weeks following a germ warfare incident our Mulder was involved in. A week later my wife was almost eaten alive when some demonically possessed squirrels Mulder was investigating followed him home from the park!'

Mr and Mrs BP told us:
'Last week we spent three nights with our Mulder hiding behind a dumpster in Connecticut staking out an urban sasquatch. The week before that it was off to the Russian embassy at midnight to hand over $20,000 in used notes! We would say that adopting a Mulder was best for retired people like ourselves - we just can't see anyone else being able to give the Mulder the care and attention he needs.'

As you can see, caring for a Mulder can be a challenging and rewarding experience. When he does get back on his feet again, you'll never have a dull moment!

So, can you find a place in your heart - and your home - for a sad, ill-treated Mulder? Can you give him the care, affection and takeout he needs to become a full and productive member of society again?

If you think you can, call our adopt-a-Mulder line on 555-CARING. Our volunteers will visit your home to see if it is suitable, and you may also receive an extensive programme of CIA and FBI background checks, screening for membership of any illegal covert organisations, DNA profiling and a full surveillance device sweep of your house and office. We regret that after last year's unfortunate incident only individuals with two arms are eligible to join this programme.

Caring for a Mulder has brought many people a new and fulfilling interest in life. However, it is important to remember: a Mulder is a big responsibility. Sadly there have been cases in the past of Mulders being abandoned again because their carers had had their dwellings blown up or their families attacked by liver-sucking mutants and felt they just couldn't cope. Don't take on a Mulder unless you're sure that you can spare the time and energy, and have a lot of home contents insurance.

What to do if you find an abandoned Mulder

In the majority of cases the Mulder may not actually have been abandoned. A Scully may well be close by and waiting until you leave in order to rejoin the Mulder. We estimate that many hundreds of Mulders a year are rescued unnecessarily by well-intentioned passers in this way.

If the Mulder is injured and no Scully is in sight, an anonymous 911 call will ensure that the Mulder is well cared for. Don't be tempted to take the Mulder home to look after him yourself. If the Mulder has been abandoned by a cruel author, he may need immediate emergency medical care. Remember too that the Mulder may have been exposed to lethal alien retro-viruses, which can be infectious and tricky to get rid of.

We have agreements with most major hospitals that any abandoned Mulders they treat will be transferred to one of our purpose built clinics, and most will notify us of any injured Mulder brought to them as a matter of course. Give us a call a couple of days after you find your Mulder and we'll probably be able to tell you how he's doing.

Finally: Remember
We can't say it too many times: there is never any excuse for abusing a Mulder. NB: it is important to remember that being tied up and spanked by Skinner does not count as abuse.

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