Title: Pooka
Author/pseudonym: Ursula
Fandom: X-Files
Pairing: Mulder-Skinner-Krycek
Rating: NC-17, but all adults must be accompanied by an invisible rabbit
Status: Finnish
Archive: Anywhere, as a complete story. If you have a constructive critique and wish to use a portion, contact me directly so I can get a discount by referring you to a psychologist I know.
E-mail address for feedback: Fan4Richie@aol.com or Ursula4X@aol.com
Series/Sequel: Is this story part of a series: No, thank the Slash Goddess
Other websites: My page at RATB, thanks to Ned & Leny: http://www.squidge.org/terma/ursula/ursula.htm
Disclaimers: Chris Carter owns the main characters, but no one can really own a Pooka.
Notes: Harvey the Invisible Rabbit was a Pooka, a mischievous spirit that frequently appears in animal form. Thanks to Karen for beta reading. I never feel the story is done until she has read it.
DEDICATED: To all the wonderful folks who are open to more than one love! You know who you are and you're all blessed! And to Peach who refused to be intimidated by the idea of a Pooka story!
Time Frame: never never

There was something about Agent Krycek, Walter Skinner thought. On the surface he seemed the perfect green agent; polite, hard working and willing to do the paper work. Yet, some instinct told Skinner that there was more than met the eye.

Glancing at his watch, Walter realized that it was time for one of his frequent meetings with Spender. Grimily, Walter went into the bathroom and put his finest, tight cut-offs on under his suit. Spender always insisted that he wear those and only those during the begging sessions.

As Walter was about to leave, Mulder came wild-eyed into the office. Walter repressed a heartfelt groan. He cared deeply about Agent Mulder, but there were times when he felt the man could use a good solid spanking and then to have his head screwed on tight. And, by God, Walter Skinner was the man to do it.

"You have to do something about Agent Krycek," Mulder said.

"I thought he was working out?" Walter responded. That was what he had heard. Rumor had it that, right after a certain incident involving mosquito bites on an intimate area of Agent Scully's anatomy, she had asked Mulder in the elevator what she could do for him. Rumor also had it that Mulder pointed to his crotch and made up and down motions. Fact had it that Mulder staggered out of the elevator with a fat lip, which both he and Scully claimed resulted from a slip, a fall, and a bad landing.


Stirring in his chair, Walter reminded himself to send the usual concert tickets to Kim. In exchange, she would accidentally forward the gossipy e-mail messages that the clerical pool used to keep up to date on office scandals. Walter found the e-mails a great way to keep on top of his agents. He really LIKED to keep on top of his agents...Mulder and Krycek especially.

The rumor mill said that when Mulder tried his crotch-pointing reply on Krycek that the elevator supposedly was stalled for almost fifteen minutes. Agent Krycek exited the elevator licking pink lips like a cat that had been at the cream. Mulder followed, a blissful peace smoothing his often-tense face. After that there were no more requests to have the young agent reassigned. Walter approved. He always said that superiors liked to have lip service from their subordinates.

Walter peered at Mulder over the top of his wire rims. Damn, it was uncomfortable to sit here with a suit on top of his cut-offs. He enjoyed playing volleyball in his shorts, but they were never meant to be underwear.

"What's the problem? I thought things were working out between you and Krycek?" Walter remarked.

"It was, but I'm starting to notice things," Mulder said. "May I sit down, sir?"

Thinking about his meeting, Walter said, "I only have fifteen minutes, but go ahead and tell me about the problem." He swept a hand toward the visitor's chair.

"Thank you, sir," Mulder said. "You see, Krycek talks to himself. He pretends that he's just coughing or blowing his nose, but he's talking as if he has an invisible playmate. I mean, he's young and all, but I don't think that FBI agents should go around talking to their imaginary friends."

Little did Mulder know why Walter abruptly had a coughing fit of his own. When he straightened from his apparent near-death experience, Walter said, "I'll have a word with Agent Krycek."

"Thank-you, sir," Mulder said. "It's not that I want him transferred, but I have a reputation to think about."

"Yes, Mulder, I know about your reputation. I suppose it does get you un-crowded rides on elevators, as well as the fact that no one will car pool with you," Walter remarked.


Walter barely had time to get to the garage and put his key card in the secret slot in the wall. He stripped off his suit and shivered the rest of the way in cut-offs and barefoot. Spender was a kinky bastard. The worst part was that Spender always wanted Walter to wear his ID. That clip really nipped hanging off Walter's tit.

"I want him back," Walter demanded.

"Whom?" Spender said, sucking on his cigarette in that orally fixated way. Walter often wondered, if Spender's mother had breast-fed him would the world have been saved a villain?

"You know whom I mean...my partner, the one who helped me rise from a Special Agent to an Assistant Director in a shorter time than any other previous AD," Walter snarled.

"Ah, him...a useful fellow," Spender said. "I've often felt that he was a lucky one. His left foot dangling off my key chain might be just the charm."

"You leave him alone. You'd better not hurt him, Spender," Walter said.

"Or what? I tell you what, AD Skinner, you had better be polite and keep my ashtray polished if you know what's good for you and your former partner," Spender said.

The anguish...knowing what his partner, the one creature that meant the world to Skinner, might be suffering was the only thing that kept Walter from wringing Spender's scrawny turkey neck. He nodded and said, "When do I get him back, Spender?"

Smirking, CSM said, "All in good time."


Another lonely night at Mulder's apartment. He meticulously applied the special matching patch to inflatable Ass-Pal and filled the bathtub to make sure that his special friend didn't have any leaks. Alas, bubbles emerged from so many places that Mulder realized that it was time to move on. He had just booted up and connected to the web site to buy another sex partner when a tentative knock came on his door.


Looking sweet and wet behind the ears, the agent was out of his awful suit and wearing a black sweater and black denim jeans. Now this was a look that suited him. His bubble butt looked even rounder than Ass-Pal's, if that was possible. A brilliant idea flashed through Mulder's head.


Sex with a real live human being.

No batteries or inflation required.

What a concept!

"Krycek? What's up?" Mulder said.

"I was thinking about the elevator and it gave me a lift," Krycek said. "We should get to know each other better since we are partners and all."

Wow, exactly what Mulder had in mind. His junior partner didn't utter any protest when Mulder pounced and stripped him. Nor when Mulder carried him to bed and laid him down. Damn, Alex looked delectable.

For a moment, Mulder was at a loss. His social skills were a bit rusty. With Ass Pal, you just inflated and stuck it in.

Ah, inflation...inflation was good. Not that Krycek's ass looked as if it was not already full and lush, but certainly Ass-Pal was better with inflation so Krycek might be better. Where was that valve?

Hmm, sucking in worked better to inflate Krycek than blowing out. Alex's cock was also a nicer flavor than the plastic valve of Ass-Pal. What a sweet little wiggle worm Krycek was too.

Alex smelled nice and he felt nice. Mulder found himself languorously running his hands over silken flesh, warm, nice human skin. It was so much better than plastic, even nicer than the type of inflatable companion that you could fill with hot water to simulate life. Here was a tiny scar; Mulder ran his tongue over it. Even imperfections were sweet with a real human. Krycek's dewy lashes blinked and his smoldering green-fire eyes swept seductively down Mulder's body. Hey, Mulder thought, I'm nicer than a plastic doll too. Somehow that gave him a warm feeling.

It was a pleasure to look his partner in the face. Ass-Pal looked pretty stupid on his back. He was made to crouch, ass high, on his knees. Also, the air tended to evacuate too quickly when Mulder tried frontal sex...

The one disadvantage was that Ass-Pal didn't need any prep other than lube. After Mulder tried to get his big knob in the little hole, he realized that Krycek clearly did. The piercing scream subtly told him that!

Fooling around was nice though. Very enjoyable to slip his fingers inside Krycek and listened to the little sounds he freely emitted, and when Krycek squealed piteously that he was ready, Mulder loved slowly pumping into his pretty partner.

"Oh, please, oh please..." Krycek moaned, giving back as good as he was given.

The heated flesh slapping against his was infinitely better than Ass-Pal. His old plastic buddy was now relegated to the status of bath toy.

As Mulder came, moaning the praise of subordinates who really understood the 'sub' part of the word, he thought that this was better than anything he could imagine. If the powers that be had assigned this hot man to him, bring on the dark side.


Mulder forgot he was out of towels and stepped back into the room to grab one from the clean laundry he had not yet put away. He heard Krycek say in a whiny tone, "No, you can't play the next time. God, Harvey, can't you find a female Pooka or another male Pooka that doesn't mind giving you a little of the old fuzzy tail? No? Why not? Oh, you don't trust each other? Why am I not surprised? Yes, I am still pissed about the garlic gum and the hand buzzer."

Sounds like Krycek had a problem. What the hell was a Pooka? Sure sounded like baby talk to Mulder. Well, hmm, think this through. Have junior agent willing to be laid without so much as a single rose or glass of cheap champagne. Said agent might be nuts. Should senior agent turn junior agent in for psychological counseling. Answer, no fucking way...

If Skinner could solve the problem, the more power to him. Mulder grinned and said, "Alex, love, I need my back washed."

Alex was out of bed and in the shower enclosure before you could say, imaginary companion.

The one strange thing was that Mulder could swear that he felt something furry stroking his ass and a strange mad giggle when he jumped in the air in response. You would almost think that...

No. No way. Not going there. Mulder grabbed the soap and a sponge and decided to make sweet Alex wet behind the petite elfin ears in more than one way. Mmm, nothing like a little tongue action to wash those hard to reach areas. God, Alex was just a bundle of love! Mulder could just eat him up with a spoon.


The meeting with Spender was not reassuring at all. Walter didn't believe the man meant to ever give back Walter's childhood friend and companion. He had to find a way to get him back on his own. Walter sighed. His partner would have been hard to keep confined. At first, he assumed that Spender wouldn't be able to keep his captive, but Spender somehow had done it. Walter punched his fist into his other hand. There had to be a way!

Glumly, Walter sat at his desk and went through the cases to assign. Despite the official close of the X-Files, he managed to send as many of the stranger cases Mulder's way as he could. Spender might have Walter's best friend as a hostage and the ear of someone as high as the director, but he still didn't control Walter completely.

Hmm, the second file down in the stack that awaited assignment appeared to be arson cases that local law enforcement thought were linked to domestic terrorist groups. The motivation appeared to be there. All of the buildings housed minority, Jewish organizations or housed sex education or birth control offices. The strange thing was that no one could figure out how the perpetrators were breaking into the buildings and no trace of accelerants was found.

Walter grinned. Mulder would be happy to get this case. Maybe he couldn't openly defy Spender and his boss, but he could at least keep Mulder on cases where he could use his unique talents.

The new agent followed Mulder into the room with his eyes dreamily watching the man's ass. You couldn't fault the young man's taste in that aspect. Walter enjoyed the view of Mulder's cute behind too. As Mulder stopped to tie his shoe, his junior agent walked right into him.

To Walter's surprise, Mulder laughed and said, "You know, Alex, when people say they want to walk in someone else's shoes, they don't usually try it."

The young agent blushed and helped Mulder to his feet. Both of the beauties sat down, body language unconsciously eloquent as they crossed their legs toward each other and leaned forward into each other's space.

Walter adjusted his glasses and peered sternly at the two agents. He shoved the file at Mulder. Alex moved even closer and read over Mulder's shoulders.

Warily, Mulder asked, "Are they sure there were no accelerants involved? Could this be sloppy arson squad work?"

Krycek said, "These aren't sloppy arson squads. The reports indicate all the tests were properly handled. Look, Mulder, they ran both a Gas Chromatography/Mass Spectrometry and a direct thermal analysis. This one shows they ran a Short Path Thermal Desorption system, but the head space sampling was incredibly thorough."

Noting the way Mulder licked at his lips, his eyes drooping in an unconsciously sultry expression, Walter almost chuckled. Mulder just loved technical babble. If the Lone Gunmen, who were the agent's play pals in geek land, had been in the least bit attractive, they could probably have had a Mulder orgy. It almost made Walter want to bone up on physics to seduce his underling.

"Well, Alex, let's just get that hair-gel plastered head of yours into the real world for some real live investigation," Mulder said.

As Krycek walked by, Walter felt a goose on his behind. He jumped and looked at the agent with shock. Mulder frowned and asked, "Something wrong, Sir?"

Feeling a furry hand on his cheek, Walter said, "No, it's nothing, Mulder. Keep in close touch with me."

As the door closed behind the dynamic duo, Walter sagged into his chair. Had Krycek acquired his Pooka? If he had, by God, Walter would get Harvey back.

By any means possible!


The steady rustle of paper sounded from Krycek's window seat. The two agents had been reading for most of the flight, exchanging files as they finished with each report. Mulder finished the last folder and waited to pass it to Alex who, although no slouch, couldn't keep up with his reading speed.

"The only clue is a design scrawled somewhere at each site," Mulder said. He stared at the sketch.

"A lizard," Alex said.

"Salamander," Mulder mused.

Krycek peered over the top of the brief in his hand and said, "You're thinking Fire Elemental?"

A smile slowly spread across Mulder's face. He whispered, "Not only beautiful, but smart and a little on the weird side. My partner..."

Alex's fluttered his eyelashes and smiled back. He said, "I have my reasons for being open to extreme possibilities."

"Really?" Mulder asked. He studied the sharply delicate features of the junior agent and said, "You don't want to fill in the blanks?"

"Maybe...someday," Alex replied. "Not now, you would laugh at me."

Well, that was intriguing. Mulder said, "No, I wouldn't."

"Believe me, you would. Even I laugh at me sometimes," Alex said.

Hmmm, Mulder resolved to tickle it out of Krycek at the hotel. Mysterious statements called for torture and besides, it would be fun.


Captain Cleary's weathered skin was brown where it was not seamed with white scar tissue. His job had marked him over the years, but he looked as if he enjoyed living on the edge. Cleary said, "Yes, this design was on the scene. Do you know what it is?"

"It's a..." Krycek begin.

Mulder nudged the junior agent. Alex turned toward him with an injured stare and batted his eyelashes.

Impatiently, the arson squad leader asked, "Well, Agent Krycek?"

"We think it might be a ru..." Alex started.

Stepping on Alex's toes and invoking an injured yelp, Mulder said, "A ruse...it might be a ruse to throw us off."

Sulkily, Alex leaned on a wall and removed the scuff from his shoe. Cleary led on. Alex drifted away, inspecting the site on his own.

Mulder said, "There wasn't a lot of damage."

"Luckily, this warehouse has an extremely good fire prevention system. A concerned sponsor donated funds specifically to purchase it," the arson investigator said. "Housing contraceptives and birth control information for overseas has made this warehouse a target for extremists."

"Idiots," dismissed Mulder. He noticed that Alex appeared to be arguing with some invisible being or perhaps he was still bitching about Mulder stepping on his foot.

Alex finally rejoined them. He hunched his shoulders as if Mulder might hit him as he said, "There's a right wing, magical group targeting programs that offend their morality."

"No shit?" Cleary exclaimed.

"He's right," Mulder said. "That's what that symbol means."

"Hmm, but how does that explain the lack of accelerants?" Cleary asked suspiciously.

"They probably used something unusual," Alex said.

"Okay, I'll buy that," Cleary said. He shoved his hands in his pocket and said, "It's lucky that no one has been killed so far. We have to catch these guys."

Alex held up a small evidence bag and said, "I did find this."

Quickly, Mulder snatched the bag from his partner and stared at it. The contents consisted of grayish matter that was streaked through with green. "Alex, this looks like a booger."

Unhappily, Alex shuffled from foot to foot and said, "Yeah, well, it is."

"Gross," said Mulder, handing back the bag and making a face.

Cleary broke up. He said, "You've got to be kidding? We're in the middle of an important investigation and the kid is making a snot collection? That could come from anyone who works here!"

"It was near the salamander rune so it could be from one of the arsonists," Alex maintained.

"Just don't expect me to testify in court about a booger," Cleary said, walking away in disgust.

Mulder whispered, "Alex, what the hell are you doing? Going for a weirder reputation than I have? I can hear it now, there's goes Spooky Mulder and the Snot-bag Kid. "

"Boogers have been known to have traces of blood or even contain hair so DNA can be run off them. If you look closely..." Alex said, offering the dread bag back to Mulder.

"No thanks," Mulder hastily said.

"I wonder if you could get Scully to run a DNA?" Alex asked.

"Let's wait until we have something for comparison," Mulder replied.

"I want to go back over the scenes at the other arson sites," Alex said.

"Yeah, all right," Mulder agreed.


They drove to the site of an abortion clinic that had been set afire. Mulder watched the shiny pants of Alex's cheap suit wiggle enticingly from his butt-up position under the scorched remains of a table. He said, "Here's another booger under the table edge!"

A pained grimace passed over Mulder's face as the arson inspector stared at him. "This is why you wanted another look at the scene?" the woman asked.

"Yes, nasal secretions are a perfectly acceptable means of evidence," Mulder said.

"Right," the Amazon-like blond woman replied. She shook her head and said, "I knew that. Have to give the kid credit. He has guts to stick to this path of investigation."

Mulder spent some time studying the rune. It was exactly the same at every crime scene. In fact, he suspected from the spray paint splatters that the perpetrators were using a template. That proved the rune was important to the plans. The oddity was that he didn't associate magical attacks with right wing groups.

As Alex tucked his new specimen away, Mulder said, "It's strange, most right wing groups espouse some form of fundamental Christianity. Why would they use magic to attack?"

"Yeah, I was wondering that too," Alex said.

"I have a hunch we should stake out that warehouse. It's their least successful arson attempt. I have a feeling they'll try again soon," Mulder said.

"I'm with you," Alex said with enthusiasm.


By the second night of the investigation, it seemed that Mulder's hunch was more of an errant thought. As he thought about ending the investigation, he heard a noise and something moving. Great, another rat he thought. He should talk to these people about leaving food out in the break room. He doubted they were invading to eat condoms and foam. On the other hand, maybe it wasn't a rat. The scuttling creature originated from the place where the rune had been preserved as part of the crime scene.

Shit, that had been a mistake.

Mulder saw the creature clearly for a moment. It was lizard-like and surrounded by an unearthly green glow. The nimbus of light expanded, grew brighter until suddenly there was an intense flash. Instantly, the smell of brimstone filled the air. The sulfuric odor made him gag. Flames danced through the air as a chanting sound in the distinctive pitch-altering sounds of male adolescent voices came from nowhere.

This time, the fire-fighting system couldn't cope with the flames, perhaps weakened by the first attack. Boxes caught and as the latex burned, the fumes were overwhelming.

"Krycek? Krycek?" Mulder yelled. He covered his face with his handkerchief as he stumbled in the direction of Alex's hiding place.

The smoke was nauseating, choking him. Damn, Krycek wasn't there! Mulder heard fire engines wailing as he looked for his partner. A pile of boxes collapsed in his path and Mulder jumped back to avoid them, right into a support beam.

"Oh shit!" Mulder said, wondering if those were his less than elegant last words...

Waking, Mulder stared into an ash-smudged face. Walter Skinner looked relieved and said, "Welcome back."

Mulder stared at his boss over the oxygen mask decorating his face. He gasped, "Alex?"

"You got him out," Walter said.

"No, I didn't!" Mulder said, struggling into a sitting position. He saw Alex on the hospital bed across the room.

"I found you just outside the warehouse almost on top of your partner," Skinner said. "I dragged you both further away. Lucky, I was on my way to talk to you and saw the smoke."

"I didn't rescue Alex. I was knocked out!" Mulder said. "Maybe Alex found me instead. Is he okay?"

"A few minor burns and his hair is singed. The gel apparently caught fire," Skinner said. "He's been conscious, but his throat is too raw to speak."

Mulder could understand that. He gave in to another bout of coughing and his boss tenderly rubbed his back and pulled the oxygen mask back onto his nose and mouth.

"I'm going to have another look at the scene, Mulder. You rest," Skinner said.

"Sir, what brought you here?" Mulder asked.

"I don't know. I just felt an urge to see how you two were doing in the field," Skinner said, but his expression remained evasive. Hmm, well, for whatever reason, Mulder was glad his boss had made it to the scene in time to help rescue them. He glanced over at Alex and said a silent, agnostic prayer. He would have hated to lose his partner and his lover.


The arson squad was all gathered around one area when Walter arrived back on the scene. He joined the cluster as a crime scene photographer waved everyone back to carefully snap a picture of the evidence that had everyone so fascinated.

Walter was tall enough to see over the shoulders and blinked as he recognized the clear outline of huge bunny feet.

"The sick bastards must have been wearing bunny slippers!" the captain said.

No, Walter knew the man was wrong, but kept his own council. He knew how Krycek and Mulder had been rescued, but it wasn't information he would share if he wanted to keep out of seventy-two hour mental health evaluation!

Taking a deep breath, Walter watched the squad carefully dislodge the footprints clearly outlined in the cement-like mix of ash and water from the sprinkler system. A charred beam gave up the ghost and collapsed inside. Walter could see pools of vivid-colored slag where bundles of novelty condoms had melted.

"Mind if I have a look?" Walter asked.

Yes, you could clearly see claws, skin whorls, and furry imprints in the human sized footprint. It would be interesting to see what the arson squad made out of this evidence. It was obviously a huge rabbit track, not a rabbit-footed slipper as the arson investigators wanted to believe.

"I know that foot!" Walter said to himself. There was a scar across the left paw that Harvey had always claimed was from an attempt to turn him into a lucky rabbit foot. He said that he had kicked the knife out of the hunter's hand, escaping with only a cut pad. Walter couldn't imagine that there were two pookas with scarred paws. It was hard enough to believe that there might be an entire race of the things! At least, Walter preferred to believe that Harvey was a unique specimen of his kind.

"Seen anything like that?" the arson captain said, "There are some real crazies out there."

Walter said, "It's different." That was the only comment that he wanted to make. Harvey's only role in the case was saving his agents. Walter knew that Harvey would never harm anyone...well, not any worse than a tingle from a joy buzzer or setting a flaming bag of dog shit on a porch. Walter didn't need a reputation for weirdness to equal his top agent's.

"Krycek tell you about his booger theory?" the captain asked.

"Mulder did. You know it's true that a DNA can be run on those samples," Walter said.

"Really?" the man said.

"Really," Walter replied. "As soon as we find a suspect, those boogers could help convict him."


A paroxysm of coughing greeted Walter when he went to pick up Mulder and Krycek to take them back to the hotel. He frowned at the junior agent and said, "I'm not sure if you should really be discharged."

"I'm fine. I can't stand it here. I hate hospitals!" Krycek said. He struggled to keep the next cough from emerging.

All right, Walter could understand that. He said, "But if I hear more coughing like that, you go right back."

"Deal," Krycek said.


Walter lay staring at the ceiling in his king-sized hotel bed. His thoughts were five doors down. So beautiful...both of them. They were like a perfect piece of artwork. He just would have preferred to have a hands on appreciation.

The phone rang and Walter picked it up. Mulder's voice said, "Walter, can you come down here? Alex is coughing and I can't get him to stop."

Snatching up his suit trousers, Walter ran barefoot down the hotel hallway. Mulder's eyes widened as he opened the door. His gaze traveled up and down the amazing muscular development of his boss. "Wow, those suits don't really suit you."

Walter ran into the room and found his young agent hunched miserably over and gasping for breath as he sat on the side of the bed. Despite his spasm, he muttered, "I'm not going back to the hospital. I hate being locked up with those prick doctors."

"We'll try one thing, but if it fails, back you go, even if Mulder and I have to carry you screaming and kicking," Walter said.

Fueled by adrenaline, Walter scooped Krycek up and carried him into the bathroom. He glanced at Mulder and said, "Turn that shower up full blast on hot. The sink too."

The hotel boasted great hot water delivery. Walter directed Alex's head over into the tub enclosure. Sweat dripped off his head and face. He grunted as Alex tried to fight away from the treatment.

"No way, Alex, just breathe. Breathe in the steam. That's it. Good boy, that's my boy," Walter said. Big green eyes stared at him through the vapor. Walter directed the head back down. One hand rested on the silken dampness of the agent's hair as the other made broad comforting circles on Alex's back. Mulder knelt on the floor, pressed close to Walter's legs as he supported Alex. Walter saw Mulder's hand clasp Alex's and smiled at that.

"He's going to be okay," Walter said. On impulse, he leaned over and kissed the back of Mulder's head.

Fiery, passionate Mulder shuddered, stretched up and kissed Walter's lips.

"Oh," Mulder exclaimed. He moaned, as the kiss grew deeper.

As Alex's breathing eased, his muscles loosened. By the time the water had cooled enough to lose its effect, he was nearly back to normal. Walter grimaced at the wet suit pants and said, "I need to get these off."

Alex glanced at Mulder who nodded and two sets of hands tugged down the trousers. Walter resisted for just a moment until a furry paw pushed him in the direction of the two most beautiful men he had ever seen. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught just a glimpse of Harvey. The Pooka wiggled his nose and saluted him with a carrot and then flipped him off.

Hell, yes, Walter thought, Harvey was right. Grab it. Go for it. No one should even try to resist that.

Hands explored him. Glistening mouths offered and were taken. Alex's lips were like pink rose petals, so smooth, so soft, so alluring to crush and see turn a deeper red. Mulder's lower lip was sweet and pendulous like a peach hanging heavily ripe on the tree.

It seemed to Walter as if he found a new way of breathing, a new medium of life, imbued with the taste of Mulder. The taste of Alex, rich, sweet, salty, exotic as any spice...

Walter's flesh was ignited by the touch of them, the tease of tongues. He was startled when Mulder took control, turning him flat on the bed. Hazel eyes danced with amusement as Mulder pinned his hands and then directed Alex wordlessly toward his groin. God, what teamwork! Wonderful, perfect, his brains seemed to travel toward his dick and geyser out with his orgasm.

As he lay back, saturated with pleasure, Alex and Mulder continued to kiss, each other and him, making a bonfire of their flesh. Walter pulled Mulder over him and looked at Alex, saying, "Fuck him. Make him scream, lover."

Eagerly, Alex pushed Mulder's lean thighs further apart. He directed Mulder's sinewy limb to Walter's hand and growled, "Hold that for me."

Walter felt Mulder surging against him, driven hard into him. His hand found Mulder's cock, powerful, flame hot, pulsing demandingly as Walter explored it.

"That feels good, doesn't it," Walter teased, feeling the pre-come oozing onto his thumb. He spread it over Mulder's cock, moving in time to Alex's thrusts that shook the man's body. Alex leaned forward, eyes glittering. He managed to capture Walter's mouth back from Mulder and kiss him deeply. Gripping Mulder's hair, he wrenched back the man's head to plunder those seductive lips. Walter's hand moved faster and a moment later, Mulder screamed in completion. A few more thrusts and Alex gasped, his eyes rolling back in delight. His mouth, red as blood from the passionate kisses, opened as he uttered a silent scream of fulfilment.

"That was," Mulder said.

"the most incredible," Alex continued.

"Sexual experience of my life," Walter finished.

Mulder ended up in the middle as they caught their breath. Satiated, their hands were tender now instead of demanding. They remained in the embrace until a dried crackling sound issued when they moved.

"Think the water has warmed back up?" Alex asked, his voice a mere whisper.

"Not much," Walter replied.

"We have to be brave or our skin is all going to stick together permanently," Walter said.

"Doesn't sound bad," Mulder said.

A few moments later, the shivering men changed the bed with sheets that Mulder purloined from the hotel linen closet and wiggled into a heap. Drowsy kisses were exchanged and Walter sighed happily.

It was the best thing he shouldn't have done in his life.


Late, very late, Mulder woke up. He grinned as he felt muscles aching from the best of causes. His eyes narrowed as he saw something pinkly glowing.

Fuck, what the hell? A pink, fluffy, but disreputable seven-foot tall bunny. An eye patch covered the left eye. His right ear flopped down toward his shoulder. His fur was scruffy except for his extraordinarily white fluffy tail.

"Have some?" The bunny offered, holding what looked like a tin of chewing tobacco.

Stunned, Mulder took it without thinking. Dehydrated carrots?

"It's good shit. Got it from a consortium lab. It's gene-spliced with marijuana. Alex made me destroy all the records of how to repeat the hybridization. Little prick has a puritan streak under his black leather."

"Black leather?" Mulder drooled. "Alex wears black leather?"

"What? You think I'd hang out with a geek in a cheap suit?" the bunny said.

"Um?" Mulder asked.

"Who are you talking to?" Walter's voice asked.

The man sat up and then leaped out of bed, embracing the rabbit.

The rabbit pushed him away and said, "Hey, don't mess with the fur."

"Harvey?" Alex's sleepy voice said.

"Yeah, kid, wake up. I've got to talk to all three of you," the rabbit said.

"Why did you leave me?" Walter asked. "Did you? I mean, is it because Alex is pretty?"

"You know I think humans are disgusting...those little pointed ears remind me of a rat's. No, the smoking creep got some asshole to make a binding spell and when I woke up, the guy had sewed my shadow to Alex's heel. You know what that means, bound for life," the rabbit said. He wiggled his little pink nose just as Alex wiggled his.

"Now, listen up. While you kids were screwing, I went spook hunting. I've got a buddy I want you to meet," the human-sized rabbit said.

"What the shit?" Mulder exclaimed. "Walter, Alex, what is this thing?"

"It's a Pooka..." Alex said. "My Pooka."

"Used to be mine until the smoking man took him," Walter added.

Mulder put his memory on search and said, "No shit, so you guys are both part Irish? Pooka's are Irish spirits, somewhat mischievous and sometimes helpful."

"Yeah, yeah, so you've talked to my press agent, let's cut to the chase, just a sec,' the pooka said. His eyes crossed...an interesting effect especially when the patch changed places from left eye to right. A fart sounded and with this announcement, a salamander arrived holding a green claw over his nose. It waved timidly at the assembled men.

"Here, this is Bailey Isk, an old friend," Harvey announced.

Mulder offered his hand in a fit of misplaced normalcy. Harvey batted it away and said, "Not unless you have asbestos skin. He's a fire elemental with a big problem."

"Spit it out at the nice FBI agents," Mulder said, getting the urge to box Harvey's ears.

"Mother-fucking on-line role playing games," the salamander exclaimed. "Let's just say there is a very bright, home-schooled kid whose father just happens to be a biggy in a right extremist movement. So the kid figures how to hack through all the kid guards that his mom put on the net and he finds a magical role-playing game to join. Some other smart ass gets her hands on a real book of runes with a spell for binding a fire elemental."

"Oh, oh," Alex said.

"So then, kid gets busted." Harvey said. "Daddy is going to tan his ass and take away what few privileges kid has, like shooting up all the nice little squirrels in the woods. Kid says, 'Sir, I can help you in your cause. I have a way of getting into all those places on your hit lists and destroy them without being caught.'"

"His little buddy on-line lays an invisibility spell on him and kid uses it on his dad, the man with the impotence and booger picking problems that leave him with a hard on against the world that is getting some," the salamander said. "The assholes put a spell on me and I have to go around setting fires for the creeps. Jeez, a guy lives a few thousand years and people still won't leave him alone to curl up and smolder with a good book. This on-line shit has to stop. I mean, the week before, some geek calls me up just to light his barbecue!"

Harvey chimed in and said, "So you bust the dudes and my old pal, Bailey, gets out of Dodge. What do you say?"

"Need a way to search the place," Mulder said.

Walter said, "That's true."

Harvey said, "Bailey can take care of that. He's gonna light a little fire. So happens that the creep still has the some nice bomb making ingredients around. Bailey combusts and the firemen will see his naughty toys."

"Sound like a plan," Walter said.


Ah, the call came in the next day...

Perfect bust...firemen rushed in and found cordite, fuses, timers, and a hot assortment of unregistered weapons.

Mulder leaned nonchalantly nearby, as the beefy brute was interrogated. The kid was already singing like a bird in juvenile. The man's thick finger picked a big specimen out of his nose. He looked at it with admiration before selecting a good spot under the table to deposit the booger.

Alex dived with his little bag and collected the sample.

"You some kind of perve, kid?" Mr. J. R. Judd asked.

Smirking, Alex held up the bag tauntingly and said, "Busted, booger-man."

"What the hell does the punk mean by that," J. R. Judd demanded.

"You'll find out," Mulder replied, pushing away from the wall and walking out in tandem with his happy partner.


The weeks crept by with nights of hard love and days of hard work. The day of J. R. Judd's trial, Alex sat in his new suit, purchased for understated elegance by Mulder, his hands folded in front of him and looking like Junior Agent of the year. His booger exhibit, along with a grinning-like-an-idiot forensic expert, stood ready at the side.

The hard part was finding a way to explain exactly how Judd started the fires until Bailey, the Salamander pointed out that he left traces of sulfur in his path. After all sulfur was the first known accelerant.

Judd's babble about a spell of invisibility and a fire elemental was dismissed as an attempt to work an insanity plea after his kid refuted any knowledge of magical spells.

And of course, the boogers tied him to each crime scene.

Walter Skinner held out his hand to congratulate his agents. He said, "Gentlemen, you won that case by a nose."

Mulder winced, but shook his hand. He winked. He knew exactly how he wanted to celebrate. A tube of lube, a jug of wine, and two pairs of tight buns.


That night, as three men lounged in fucked-dumb contentment and a mild alcoholic haze, Harvey appeared smoking some of his favorite carrot-weed. The Pooka said, "My work here is done, Walter. Oh, by the way, you have a new grandnephew for whom I'll be looking out. Not that I won't keep an ear out for trouble."

"But what about Spender?" Alex asked.

"Oh, him, Bailey will take care of him. He's going be the centerfold in the next spontaneous combustion journal," Harvey said.

Narrowing his eyes, Walter asked, "What happened to being bound for life to Alex?"

"That? I lied," Harvey said. "I lie all the time, but you like me anyway."

Snapping his fingers, Harvey whistled and an even bigger Pooka appeared. This one was a wild hare, clad in a leather boy thong and adorned with multiple body piercings. Shuddering deliciously, Harvey chewed on a lit carrot and remarked, "I love it when a plan comes together, even if I have to warp the timeline and change history to do it. Come on, Bruno. I have a rabbit hole I want to show you."

As the Pookas disappeared, Walter asked, "I wonder what he meant by warping the timeline and changing history?"

Mulder nuzzled Walter's neck and patted Alex's buns. He said, "You know this is not one of those times I want to question everything. I'm just satisfied that this is the best of all possible worlds."

And it was....

The end

Archived: November 03, 2001