Author: Ann Larimer
Title: My First X Files Story by Fisher-Price
TotalParts: 1
Status: Complete
Pairing: Badfic
Rating: PG, Completely unnecessary gore, eyeless albino newts
Spoilers: None
Summary: Mulder and Scully in another exciting adventure!
Warnings: May cause blindness.
Disclaimer: No eyeless albino newts were harmed in the writing of this story.

My First X-Files Story!
by Ann Larimer okay, once upon a time, there was a big monster that lived in a forest. ate people. So they called the police -- not the people who had been eaten, but their friends who hadn't -- and the police called the FBI. The FBI gave the case to Mulder and Scully, the agents from the X Files.

So Mulder and Scully went out to the forest to look for the monster. They brought their flashlights and their guns and some granola, and they wore extra thick socks in case they had to spend the night in the woods, 'cause you never know. They had to order extra big handcuffs from the FBI supply people, because they knew regular ones wouldn't work on a big monster.

Scully and Mulder found big big prints that looked as though they might have been monster prints, and decided to follow them.

First they came to a hollow tree.

Mulder knocked on the tree. "Have you seen a monster?"

A brown bear stuck its head out of the hollow and said, "The monster doesn't live here. This tree is too small for a monster. My cubs and I live here. Now go away or I'll claw your face off."

"Thank you," said Mulder, and he and Scully continued on their way.

The big giant footprints then led to a cave.

Scully used her flashlight to rap on the stone mouth of the cave. It made a ringing, echoing sound. "Hey! Is there a monster in there?"

After a few moments, a group of eyeless albino newts wandered to the mouth of the cave. The sunlight was so strong that Mulder and Scully could practically see through them. It was pretty gross. "No," said the eyeless albino newts. "We don't like the monster, so when he comes by, we all jump in the water at the bottom of the cave so that he thinks it's not good to drink."

"Why would he think that?" Scully asked.

"Would you drink water that was full of eyeless albino newts?" replied the eyeless albino newts.

"I suppose not," Scully said. "Thanks for your time."

Mulder and Scully followed the big giant footprints until they came to a forest ranger's cabin.

Together, they shone their flaslights into the windows.

There were chunks of forest ranger *everywhere.* There was even a forest ranger foot still inside a forest ranger sock and shoe, near the hearth.

"He must have been toasting marshmallows when he died," said Scully.

"This monster is evil!" said Mulder.

Scully and Mulder pulled out their guns. Mulder kicked in the door to the cabin. There was the monster! He was sitting at the ranger's table, eating the ranger's head with the ranger's own cutlery and linen.

"Put down that ranger head!" cried Scully.

"Do it NOW!" added Mulder.

"Mrghpf, rrrrrf gnf," said the monster disdainfully. Not only was the monster vicious and evil, but ill-mannered as well.

Nobody likes it when you talk to them with your mouth full, whether it's full of ranger or something else. Mulder and Scully shot the monster dead.

Back in Washington, Assistant Director Skinner read their report. "You did a good job, Mulder and Scully," he said. "I will not fire you this week. Now go back to the basement."

Mulder and Scully went back to the basement, which is where their office was, and waited for their next exciting adventure!

The end.

Archived: April 27, 2001