Title: Attack of the Slash Fan Fiction In Joke
Name: Scribe
Fandom: X Files
Pairing: None. Well...off screen.
Status: Entry in the Slashing Mulder 1st anniversary contest, snippet division.
Criticism: Yes
Archive: Yes, let me know where
Feedback: Yes. poet77665@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Not mine. Chris Carter's. *sigh*
Summary: Just what the title says.
Notes:
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Possibly lethal levels of silliness, and no smut. Well, I consider that a hazard.

---

Attack of the Slash Fan Fiction In Joke

"Mulder?"

"Yeah, Scully?"

"We have mice down here in the basement, don't we?"

"Sure."

"How about rats?"

"I don't think so. Not since Krycek left, anyway."

"Is it possible to have a RABBIT infestation?"

"Um, I don't THINK so. Why?"

"Because there's one out in the hall."

Mulder sighed. "You've been sniffing the formaldehyde again, haven't you?"

"No, really. Look."

Dana pointed, and Fox looked toward the hall. Sure enough, framed in the open doorway was a large white rabbit. It was sitting up on it's plump haunches, short front legs dangling, long ears perked, watching them with bright red eyes.

"That's weird," Dana stated.

"Weird, yeah. But hardly X Files material," Mulder agreed.

"I guess you're right." Scully went back to her paperwork.

The rabbit twitched a pink velvet nose a Mulder, turned, and hopped out of sight. In a moment, though, it's head popped back around the side of the door. It glared at Mulder pointedly, then rapidly thumped it's hind leg. Mulder stood up, and it hopped away again.

"Mulder, what are you doing?"

"I'm gonna follow it, and see where it goes. Maybe I can learn where it came from."

"I'm not so sure that's a good idea."

"Oh, come on, Scully. What could POSSIBLY happen?"

"That's just what Alice said about a second before she fell down the rabbit hole."

Words of wisdom, but there's never existed a Fox that could resist a rabbit, so Mulder went into the hall. He was just in time to see a furry cotton tail disappearing into the elevator. As the lights began to flicker on the floor indicator, he took a moment to wonder how the FUCK a rabbit was able to reach the buttons, considering that Scully might be right in this case. Still, when he saw where the car had stopped, he pressed the button to get it back down...

An hour later, Mulder stumbled back into the office and slumped into his chair. Scully glanced at him, then did a double take. "What happened to YOU?"

Mulder was disheveled. His tie was askew, his shirt was misbuttoned, his fly was at half mast. His hair stood on end, as if someone had put both hands in it and tousled vigorously. His eyes were slightly glazed, and his mouth looked a little swollen. He also looked very, very confused. "I...I followed the rabbit...down the rabbit hole, I guess."

"What?"

"Well..." He cleared his throat. "Into Skinner's office, actually.

Then into his supply closet."

"What did Walter have to say about the rabbit."

"He...uh...didn't really NOTICE the rabbit, once I got there." Mulder blinked. "You know, Scully, as big as he is, it's AMAZING how FAST he can move." He paused. A smile crept over his face. "Unless he WANTS to be slow."

"Oh." Redheads could produce some spectacular blushes. "What does this have to do with the rabbit."

"Ever read any slash fan fiction, Scully?"

"Read it? I've been IN it, Mulder."

"So, you know what a plot bunny' is?"

"Yes."

Mulder sat back with a sigh. "Ya know, I never even KNEW there was such a thing as a plot, what plot? bunny'."

 

---

 

Title: Return of the Attack of the Slash Fan Fiction In Joke
Name: Scribe
Pairing: Mulder/m
Fandom: X Files
Status: Complete. Snippet for Slashing Mulder 1st anniversary contest
Criticism: Yes
Archive: Yes. Tell me where
Feedback: poet77665@yahoo.com
Warning: Possibly lethal levels of silliness, southern sterotypes, and attempt at dialect.
Rating: R
Note: What looks like misspelling are most likely my attempt at dialect.

---

Return of the Attack of the Slash Fan Fiction In Joke
by Scribe

"Rednecks, Scully. Rednecks as far as the eye can see. It's...it's awesome."

"Yeah, Mulder." Scully winced as Fordzilla roared past, wishing that she had invested in that pair of earplugs before she entered the domed sports arena. "I suppose the only place on earth that might have a higher concentration of rednecks than a monster truck rally would be...Wrestlemania. Tell me again, why are we here?"

"Well, MONSTER trucks, X Files... Hello? You do the math."

"This is a stretch, even for you, Mulder."

"No, really. There are rumors that some of the competitors have been using...unusual technology to beef up their trucks."

"Such as?"

"Well...that one flying across the field right now without benefit of a ramp might be an example..."

*Several hours and many improbable situations later, in a bar.*

"Ow." Mulder gingerly rubbed the blue mark rising on his cheekbone.

"I told you not to say anything about the size of that guy's belt buckle, Mulder. It's your own fault." Scully was being less than sympathetic.

"I was just joking."

"Yeah? Well, 'Do you believe that the size of a man's belt buckle is in direct inverse proportion to the size of his dick?' is NOT a safe question to ask someone who looks like they're wearing a hubcap on their belt."

"I didn't think he'd understand me."

"You were wrong. Look, have fun. I'm getting out of here. If I get called 'little lady' one more time I'm going to have to go up before a board and explain why I neutered some guy with my bare hands."

*Scully leaves.*

"Ow."

"Whooee."

Mulder turned around to find a man in blue jeans, a 'Wrestlemania' T-shirt, shit kicker boots, and a billed cap that said, 'Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who GIVES a damn' standing near by. He grinned, and said admiringly, "You gonna have a right nice shiner there, boy."

"Um...thank you."

The man offered a hand. "Names Bubba."

Mulder shook. "And that's short for...?"

He laughed. "Short for nothin', boy. That's what mah mama put on the cer-tificate when she squirted me." The man had a drawl thick enough to spread on corn bread.

Mulder watched him walk around the bar and pick up a bottle of golden liquid, and pour himself a shot. Seeing Mulder's horrified look, he chuckled. "Don't worry, bo. I own this here honky tonk. Damn sure wouldn't walk behind 'nuther man's bar ifn I weren't carryin' a sawed off, or had a pit bull on a slippery leash. "Tipping the bottle toward Mulder, he offered, "Want one? It's kinda sweet, but it'll kick yer ass, given half a chanst."

Mulder consulted his theocratic beliefs, and discovered that it was against his religion to turn down a free drink. "Sure." He tried to gulp it like Bubba had, and nearly choked."

Bubba nodded. "Yep. Usedta be Janis Joplin's favorite drink. Little gal could sing like nobody's business. Kinda skanky, though. Anyways, this is like a Southern woman: strong, sweet, and'll know you flat if you don't handle it careful."

"Thanks. Ow."

"Yeah, I saw ol' Tyler whale on you. You got to watch them smart ass metaphors, boy. Summa us rednecks ackshully read a book 'stead of eatin' the pages. Why'nt you go sit in that booth over yonder an' I'll get some ice for that?"

Fox went to the booth. In a minute, Bubba slid in beside him, with some ice cubes wrapped in a clean cloth. "Here we go, boy." He held them gently to Mulder's aching cheek.

Mulder sighed. "Wow, that's better. Thank you."

"Not attall."

Mulder looked around, noticing that the bar was now empty. "Um, if you're the owner, shouldn't you be ready to wait on customers?"

"Waal, I s'pose so. 'Captain I locked the door right after that lil' redhead left."

"Oh? Is...uh...is it closing time already?"

"Naw. We got screwy liquor laws 'round here, but not that screwy. I jest wanted a lil' quiet time with ya."

"Uh...you did?"

Bubba was still holding the compress to Mulder's boo, but his other hand was unbuttoning the FBI agent's shirt. "Sh 'nuff." A slightly cold hand slipped in, and proceeded to bring Mulder's nipples erect with a combination of chill and skill.

"You mean...um..."

"Boy, why the hell else you think I got you here in the booth...in the back...in the corner...in the dark?" The hand was working on his belt buckle now. "I gotta tell ya, I don' know if'n that lil' sayin' you got 'bout the size of a man's buckle bein' op'sit of the size of his dick, but I got to hope, 'cause you wearing one TINY motherfucker of a belt buckle."

His fly zipper was being lowered. Mulder felt dazed, as if the situation was somehow unreal. "What...what exactly is going on here?"

"Well, bo, you 'member that there PWP bunny you ran into a while back?"

Mulder couldn't repress a grin. "Oh, yeah."

"Well, you done got yourself into another slash fiction story type."

Mulder winced. "You don't mean...?"

"Yep." He touched Mulder's swollen cheek. "Hurt..." He dived for Mulder's lap, and the last few words were muffled by Mulder's surprised, but not displeased yelp, "...an' Southern Comfort."

 

---

 

Title: Revenge of the Return of the Attack of the Slash Fan Fiction In Joke
Name: Scribe
Fandom: X Files
Pairing: none
Status: done
Criticism: Yes
Archive: Yes, let me know where
Feedback: Yes. poet77665@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Chris owns 'em, I play with 'em.
Summary: Read the title.
Notes: I didn't plan this. It attacked me.
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: CAUTION: Hideous pun ahead. I was obviously possessed while writing this. It should be burned. Really. *snicker*

---

Revenge of the Return of the Attack of the Slash Fan Fiction In Joke

"How's the cheek, Mulder?" They were climbing the steps of the J. Edgar Hoover building, on their way to work.

Fox touched the fading blue mark gingerly. "S'okay."

Dana looked ashamed. "Look, I'm sorry I ran off and left you like that. I mean, I'm a doctor, I should have..."

"Don't worry about it, really. A...um...good Samaritan...*heavy sigh* oh BOY, was he good, helped me out. Say, what's going on over at the hotel next door?"

Dana peered over at the hotel next door. The lot was full, people were busily bustling in and out, and there was a large WELCOME banner strung over the entrance. "Looks like a convention of some sort."

"What kind?" They read the marquee. "Huh. Federal Express? UPS?"

"The Postal Service? Couriers?"

They started back up the steps. "Freight companies? Trucking lines? Air lines?"

Dana shrugged. "The sign didn't specify. Could be any or all. None of our business, unless they get out of line."

"Well, conventions can be kinda wild, Scully. I remember one in Cincinnati. We never DID figure out how that wombat got in the jellow mold, and of course after he swallowed all that fruit cocktail..."

"This is more than I'd ever need or want to know, Mulder."

"Yoohoo!" They paused, and turned to see a plump middle aged lady trotting over from the hotel. "Hold on, just a minute!" She panted up to them, and just stood for a moment, beaming.

Dana, eyeing her for potential psychosis, said cautiously, "Yes?"

"I just had to tell you what a cute couple you two are. And I'll always say so, no matter how politically fashionable those OTHER pairings are."

"Uh...thank you?" Mulder muttered, and Dana urged him up the stairs. "What was that all about?"

"I have no idea. Unless you've been blabbing. I TOLD you, I was so drunk at that Christmas party I didn't know WHO I dragged into the supply closet."

Blink. "That was YOU?"

"Yeah. Who did you think it was?"

Clears throat. "Never mind."

When they got to their office, there was a tall, slender young man waiting outside, holding a bunch of flowers. Dana looked pleased. The look faltered a bit when the man pushed the posies into Mulder's hands and burbled. "Hi! Just wanted to tell you that you and Walter are just absolutely PERFECT for each other! Don't let anyone tell you any differently, and don't be afraid to express your feelings."

Fox blushed furiously. "Did that damn plot bunny talk?!"

Dana started into the office. "I'm calling security." The young man blew Fox a kiss and hurried off. In the office, Dana asked, "What was THAT all about?"

Fox arranged the flowers tastefully in a vase. "You got me." He cocked his head thoughtfully. "Though, come to think of it, BOTH of them were wearing buttons from that convention next door."

"Well, they don't need to be wandering around the building. I don't know why they're here. And why would he give you flowers."

"You're just jealous."

"Am not."

"Are, too."

The door opened. A young woman with spikey blue streaked hair and piercings in nose, ears, tongue, eyebrow, and wearing a T-shirt that said, "I have a secret piercing. Guess correctly and win a private viewing' poked her head in. She pointed at Mulder. "Yo. You and Krycek, all the way, babe."

Fox turned pale, slumping into his chair. "FUCK! Can't ANYONE keep their mouths shut?!"

The girl snickered. "Not Ratboy, judging from what I read about you two."

Dana started to draw her gun, and the girl left hastily. "This is very confusing. Fox, what was that about Krycek?"

"Never mind, but I think I may have an idea of what this is all about."

"Well, for heaven's sake, don't keep it to yourself. What is it?"

"I think I can tell for sure with a little experiment."

They stepped out into the hallway. Usually the basement corridors were pretty deserted. Now, though, there was a small crowd of people scattered along the hall. They were all shapes, ages, and sizes, and they were all wearing buttons from that convention at the hotel. When Mulder stepped out into the hall, they fell silent, and watched him with bright, intent, and (Dana thought in alarm) possessive eyes.

Mulder cleared his throat, then said clearly. "I think I'll go out, find some hunky total stranger, and have messy, meaningless, but intense hot monkey sex."

A protesting, dismayed babble arose immediately. "NONONONONO! Think about Dana/Walter/Alex..."

Fox ducked back inside as they advanced on the office, banging the door shut and locking it. "Okay, NOW you can call security!"

Someone started banging on the door. "Don't do it, Fox! You'll ruin such a beautiful, powerful love..."

Dana started dialing. "What is it, Mulder? Tell me!"

Fox was spread out against the door, which now shook with the force of the blows raining upon it from the other side. "Dana, you remember the bunny incident?"

"Yeah?"

"And after the truck rally...No, wait, I didn't tell you about that...But it fits!"

"Mulder..."

"It's the slash fan fiction, Scully! It strikes again!"

"What do you mean?"

The door was rattling on it's hinges. "That convention next door... We were wrong, Dana! So wrong."

"Fox! You don't mean..."

"Yes!" Mulder's eyes were wild as the door started to tear loose in it's frame. "Dana...they weren't talking about THOSE kind of 'shippers'..."

Archived: April 21, 2001

	Home  ·  Quick Search  ·  Advanced Search  ·  Submissions  ·  F A Q  ·  Contact