X-Critics (1/1)
by m. butterfly

Rating: PG for m/m affection, bad language
Category: M/Sk
Spoilers: X-Cops
Archive: Sure

Summary: Friends and lovers gather to watch Mulder and Scully make their national TV debut.

Author's notes: If you haven't seen the episode "X-Cops," this probably won't make any sense to you. (Sorry.) Actually, it may not make sense to *anyone,* as I've gone experimental (for me) and written it completely in dialogue from. All dialogue contained in sharp brackets <> is from the pen of the brilliant Vince Gilligan, and lifted straight from the ep. Feel free to contact me at walfox@yahoo.com to let me know if this works or not. Oh, yeah--this is yet another instalment in my Resuscitation universe, which can be found at http://Skinner.Mulder.com/walfox.

Acknowledgments: Kudos to Vince Gilligan for refusing to dumb down like the rest of the X-Files writers this season. Love and thanks to Lucy Snowe, who beta'd this story even though she never saw the episode, was travelling, and had to put up with a prototype laptop. Any post-beta inaccuracies are mine.

Disclaimer: The characters of Fox Mulder, Walter Skinner, Dana Scully, and the Lone Gunmen are the property of Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and Fox Broadcasting. No copyright infringement is intended.

by m. butterfly

"Okay, everybody, settle down. Settle down! It's on."

"Walter, do we really have to--?"

"Where are you and Scully, dude?"

"For chrissakes, Langly! It just start--"

"There! There they are!"

"You look great, babe. Uh, you too, Dana."

"Thanks, Walter. Oh, Frohike? You growl like Roy Orbison once more and you'll be leaving by way of the balcony."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Fuck, this is so embarrassing. Do we really have to watch?"


"I thought it was just going to be the three of us. Whose dumb idea was it to turn it into a party, anyway?"

"Shut up, Mulder."

"Hear that? That's what I have to put up with all the time. I--"

"Fox! I can't hear a word Deputy What's-his-name is saying!"

"Hey, Scully--wipe that grin off your face. That goes for the rest of you."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

<I've got ID in my back pocket!>

"Oh, wow, man! Look at you with your hands up, all pissed off and everything!"

"You're lucky they didn't shoot you."

"Tell me about it, Byers."

"Whoa! There's your name!"

"*What*? Oh, hell!"

"Yours too, Scully."

"Great. Just great. Do you have any idea what kind of people watch this show? Get ready for some interesting 'fan' mail, partner."

"You're not supposed to look at the camera, Mulder!"

"No shit, Sherlock! But I didn't know who the hell they were at first, okay?"

"People, can you please keep it down? Thank you!"

"Ooooh, yeah, Mulder. You're, like, right into this!"

"Why do you keep hiding from the camera, Agent Scully? You're very photogenic."

"Gag me with a spoon."

"As if a mere spoon could gag *you*, Mulder. Right, Walter?"



"*Werewolves*? WEREWOLVES?!?"

"It was an honest mistake. Stop snickering, Byers."

"Oh, Jesus. And on national television, no less."

<With all due respect, what the bleep are you talking about? Can I see your badge again, Agent Mulder?>

"She respects you, all right."

"Get bent."

<Mulder, have you noticed that we're on television?>

<I don't think it's *live* television, Scully. She just said bleep.>

"I can't believe you actually said 'fuck' on TV!"

"I can't believe he actually said 'werewolf.'"

"Shhh! This oughta be good."

<Mulder, this could ruin your career!>

<What career? Scully, I appreciate it, you don't want me looking foolish. I do. I appreciate that.>

<I don't want *me* looking foolish, Mulder.>

"You're all heart, Agent Scully."

"I had no idea how sensitive those mikes were."

<I'm going to call Skinner, Mulder.>


<I'm sure he's going to want to say a couple words about this.>

"What's everybody looking at *me* for?"

"Well? What *did* you say?"

"They've been sleeping together for more than a year now. What do you think he said?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Hey! Isn't that--?"


"--Freddy Krueger?!? Oh, come on!"

"I can't help it if that's what she saw! Christ!"

<You know, they kill him in every movie and he just keeps coming back.>

"What do you know? A funny cop."


"Uh-oh. It's Deputy Werewolf."

"Fuck you, Langly."

<Those weren't teeth marks, Mulder. They turned out to be insect bites.>

<So what did Skinner say?>

"I almost said 'Walter' there."

<He said that the FBI has nothing to hide. And neither do we.>

"You sure stand by your man, AD Skinner."

"'Nothing to hide?' You guys have more to hide than Michael Jackson."

"Quiet! I can't hear what they're saying!"

"I heard someone say '9-1-1.'"

"Oh, shit! Isn't that the police sketch artist?"

"Yeah, Ricky."

"Is he dead?"

"No. He was damned lucky."

"Check out those freaky slash marks across his chest. Gross, man! Look at the blood!"

"It kills me how tacky this show is. The whole network, really. They'll show *anything*."

"Shhh. They're gonna talk to the witnesses."

<*The* Steve and Eydie?>

"Oh, my! Are they--?"

"A couple? A *gay* couple? Yes, Byers, they are."

"I don't like the way you behaved toward those people, Fox. I don't see what you found so funny."

"Don't be so sensitive, Walter. I wasn't being rude. I liked them. They reminded me of someone."

"Who? Oh, no! You've got to be kidding!"

"Well, they're a couple, and so are we, and Steve's bald, and so are you--"

"And Eydie's a drag queen, and so is Mulder."

"Yeah, but Eydie's a better singer."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Fox, I hope you already had your vest on."

"As if I'd go into an LA crack house without wearing Kevlar. Shit, Walter. Give me some credit, will ya?"

"Jesus! The place looks like Mulder's old apartment."

"Come on! The crack house isn't *that* bad."

"Ugh! Did that guy just spit at you?"

"He missed. Thank God."

"Oh, Mulder! They should've left this part out."

"Is that the suspect? Dead?"

"Yeah. God, first that 'Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire' shit, and now this. What next? 'The JonBenet Ramsey Story?'"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Don't tell me the hooker's dead, too..."

"Okay. I won't tell you."

"Holy shit!"

"What? What's he saying?"

"What the fuck's a 'wasp man?'"

"Shut up and listen!"

"Deputy Wetzel must be a long-lost relative, Mulder."

"Bite me, Frohike."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Seventeen years? You guys have a long way to go to break Steve and Eydie's record."

"Don't worry, Frohike. We'll get there."

"Uh, Walter? Please--not in front of everybody!"

"Relax, babe. They've seen me kiss more than your hand before."

"By the way--you planning on hanging onto it all night?"


~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Ewww. Are they going to show you doing the autopsy, Agent Scully?"

"Well, the crew *was* there, so I wouldn't put it past them. Oh, okay--here's the part where Mulder proves what an asshole he really is."

<Make it fast. And fill that tank up with gas.>

"Fox! You little bugger!"

"Spffffffft! Damn, Walter! Don't *do* that when I've got something in my mouth!"

"Even *I'm* not gonna touch *that* one."

"Where are you and Deputy Weasel going, Mulder?"

"If you'd just stop talking for two seconds, you'd know."

<It's hard to have a fast-track career in law enforcement when everybody thinks you're nuts.>

<Tell me about it.>

"Awww, poor Mulder!"

"Quiet! It's the autopsy."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"So it was the nurse's *fear* of the hanta virus that killed her?"

"That's what she said, Frohike! You deaf or something?"

"Does Wetzel die, too? Does his 'wasp man' kill him?"

"Langly, I swear you're worse than a five-year-old! Just watch the fucking show, okay?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"That crack house is one freaky place. Looks like a scene out of the Blair Witch Project."

"It does at that."

"Where's Wetzel?"

"Do you mind?"

"Hell, Fox! You could have hurt yourself trying to break down the door like that."

"I *did* break down the door. And I *did* hurt myself. How'd you think I got all those bruises?"

"I figured Dana got you back for that stupid 'fill 'er up' remark."

<You're a bleeping sheriff's deputy, Wetzel. Don't be afraid now.>

"You said 'fuck' again."

"So fucking what?"

"He's alive! Cool!"

"Only because the sun finally came up."

"Mulder, enough already with that full moon crap!"

"It's not crap, Scully! You were there. You saw what happened. Why, for once in your life, can't you just-- "

"Would you two save the fight until the show's over?"

<It's going to be a hard one to write up.>

"It *is* over."

"That's it?"

"Uh-huh. And, as always, Mulder has the last word."

"I didn't edit the goddamn show, Scully."

"I *know* that, Mulder! I was just saying--"

"Quick, Skinner! We need a distraction!"

"Oh, look, Fox. Dana. Xena's on!"

"Really? Great!"

"I love this show!"

"Nice going, man."

"When you got it, you got it."


~ ~ ~ ~ ~

March 12, 2000

m. butterfly