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Rating: I guess it would be a PG-13
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The adventures of the Rat and the Moose
(Oh, and the Squirrel's too, if we must)
by Kora & Taitou

[Taitou: Shhh! For those who just came in, you're late! You missed the first minutes. Tsk, tsk, you should've set your vcr! But you didn't really miss a lot, just Mulder and Scully arguing about the existence of a governmental conspiracy involving public's enemy number one, 'Barney'_ Kora: Shut up! We're missing the show! Anyway, do you really care? ]

[Scene: FBI Building, 12:07pm. Mulder and Scully are back from a case ivolving some ... ]

SCULLY: Killing marshmallows?!! *Please*!! There is no such thing!

MULDER [clearing his throat]: Scully ...

SCULLY: I'm telling you, Mulder, sometimes I don't know *where* you get your ideas ...

MULDER [cutting her off]: *Scully*!

SCULLY: What?!!

MULDER: Scully, we need to talk ... Please don't scream or do anything 'Scully-like'.

SCULLY: What is *that* suppose to mean?!?

MULDER: Scully, you're doing it right now ...

SCULLY: I am not!

MULDER: Scully ...

SCULLY [exasperated sigh]: What do you want to talk about?

MULDER: Scully, I ... it's over.

SCULLY: That's all? I'm happy it's over! I hated every second of it!

MULDER [a little hurt]: Really?!


MULDER: D -- Does that mean you won't yell at me, or shoot me, or anything?

SCULLY: Why on earth would I shoot you? It was a ridiculous case anyway. I don't even know why you dragged me into this, knowing how skeptical I am about everything!

MULDER [swallows nervously]: No, I mean, it's over between us. I'm sorry.

SCULLY: Over? What do you mean, 'over'?

MULDER: Well, 'over' can be use in many ways. It can be either an adverb, a preposition, a transitive verb, or --

SCULLY [cutting him off]: I *know* what the word means, Mulder, I want to know what *you* mean by that!


SCULLY [teasingly]: You're dumping me?


SCULLY [incredulous tone]: You're dumping me? I can't believe you're dumping me! For who?

MULDER: Nn one...

SCULLY [with the Classic Ice Queen Risen EyebrowTM and the 'don't mess with me' kind of lookTM]: WHO Mulder?

MULDER: Uhh ...

[off screen, a voice is heard]: Ahh, *lisitsa*! You ready to go?

[Mulder blushes as Krycek appears behind him. Scully sees him, shoves Mulder to the side, aiming her gun at Krycek]

SCULLY: Mulder, look out!

MULDER: No, Scully ...

SCULLY: It's okay Mulder, I got him. Alex Krycek, you're under arrest for charges of murder_

MULDER: Scully, you don't understand, it's him ...

SCULLY: Yeah, I know Mulder. I got him, he won't get away this time.

MULDER [approching Krycek and resting a hand on his shoulder]: No Scully, it's *him*.

[Scully's eyebrow reachs the brown roots of her red dyed hair as comprehension dawns]

SCULLY: Him? *Him*? A double-crosser assassin who killed your father and God knows how many other people, who helped in my abduction and in the murder of my sister, who_ [yada yada yada, you know the drill, just fill out the space with The Rat's list of FelonyTM] You're dumping me for HIM?

MULDER: Well ... um ...[surrending sigh] yeah.

SCULLY: But ... why? God Mulder, WHY?

[Krycek, who had been all this time standing with his arms_his *arm* up, turns to look at Mulder as well, with an half teasing-half bitter expression on his face]

KRYCEK: Yeah Mulder, *why*?

SCULLY: Shut up, Krycek! This is between me and him!

MULDER: Hey! Don't you talk to him like that! I'm the only one allowed to do that!

[Scully shoots him her killer-glance]

SCULLY: Mulder, WHY?

[Mulder takes a step back under the two combined glare]

MULDER: He ... he had the tape!

SCULLY: Huh???

KRYCEK: Don't ask.

SCULLY: Shut up, Krycek!

MULDER: Uhm ... I mean, he's a drop dead gorgeous assassin! And those lashes!

SCULLY: But ... I'm pretty! And I've got great lashes too! And no matter what that mean Taitou says, I'm a *real* red-hair!

[Taitou snorts: Hn. Yeah, right! ]

MULDER [taking a step towards her]: Scully, Dana_

SCULLY [glaring at him]: *Don't* Dana-me!

MULDER: Scully, you're a beautiful woman but, don't take it the wrong way, you're just too feminine for me. I'm going now, Scully. Again, I'm sorry ...

[Mulder turns to leave but Scully is now aiming her gun at him]

SCULLY: No you won't -- you can't leave me! First it was Phoebe, then that wannabe vampire, then Bambi, then that fake blond detective, then that sicko who claimed to be your eternal love, then that bitch Marita, then Diana ... And now you want to leave me for a man? For *him*? I think I'd rather see you take off with A.D. Skinner!

MULDER [casual]: Oh, yeah ... I wasn't interested though.

SCULLY [gone totaly mad, waving her gun hysterically]: I won't let you do this to me, Mulder! I've waited too long, you're mine now! Miinnn_ arghh argh awww!

[Scully falls on the floor, mortally shot by Krycek. Mulder jumps on him]

MULDER: You killed her, you bastard!

KRYCEK [struggling against Mulder]: Mulder? I *saved* your life?!

MULDER [stepping back]: Uh, yeah ... I guess you did ...

[Mulder looks pensive for a moment, then jumps on Krycek again]

MULDER: My savior!

[Mulder kisses Krycek who kisses back, and more kisses and_ PHEW! Taitou & Kora turn bright red. *coughs.* Nothing. *louder coughs*]

MULDER & KRYCEK [annoyed at being interrupted in their... display]: WHAT?!?

[Taitou & Kora sneer: Get a room! ]

[Mulder looks at himself, then at his hand that had somehow made his way inside Krycek's shirt, and blushes furiously]

MULDER: Uh, right! ...

[Mulder quickly takes his hand out of *ahem* where it has been and proceed to straighten his clothes. Meanwhile Krycek mutters something about killing two annoying writers]

[Kora: Uh ... that would be us! Taitou: *tsktsk* Bad bad Krycek! ]

KRYCEK: You're ready to leave? You're sure you haven't forgotten anything?

MULDER [looking pensive]: I'm not sure ... There's something nagging at the back of my mind, but I can't put my finger on it ...

[Mulder takes a step forward and trips on something]

MULDER: What the hell ...?

[Mulder looks down]

MULDER: Scully!! *Riiight*! You killed her, you bastard!

[The image frozes as Mulder jumps on Krycek]

[Taitou *pokes Kora in the ribs*: Um... We've already done that part before! Kora: Oh ... Oops. Sorry! Too much copy/paste, I guess.]

[The tape rewinds]

MULDER: Scully!! *Riiight*! You know, she was right when she said she was skeptical about everything. She even looks skeptical about her own death!

[Mulder kisses Krycek once more on the cheek, then they both turn and walk away from Scully's corps]

KRYCEK: Hmm, Mulder, tell me something ... The *tape*?!? Is that all you could think of?!!

MULDER [defensively, taking a step back]: I was thinking fast!

[As they were leaving, Pendrell walks in, runs to Scully's body]

PENDRELL: Dana, my love, NOOOOO!

MULDER [staring blankly as if he'd just seen a ghost]: P -- Pendrell?

PENDRELL: What? Don't you see I'm mourning my Love?

MULDER: Pendrell? Y -- you're *dead*! You died in the middle of the fourth season!

PENDRELL: Oops! Right. Sorry! Wrong fic!

[A vortex appears and Pendrell is sucked into it.]

KRYCEK [tugging at Mulder's shirt]: Come on, Mulder, we're leaving.

MULDER: But - But - Wait!!

[Krycek proceeds to drag a stunned Mulder out of the room, when a voice stop them again. ]

QUINN [with only his head pumping out of the vortex]: Sorry to disturb you, gentlemen, but--

KRYCEK: Who the hell are you?

QUINN [taking one of his arm out of the vortex and shaking the hand of our two heros while giving them his best smile]: Quinn Mallory, professional slider. By any chance, is this a 'Sliders' fic? Because I *really* like it when a Mighty Writer match Wade and me together! She's so much cooler than that Beckett girl!

KRYCEK: Sorry pal, it's an 'X-Files' one.

[Krycek then puts an_sorry, his *only* arm possessively around Mulder's waist]

KRYCEK: And it's a slash one too!

QUINN [making a face] : Oh man! I'm outta here!!! The last thing I want to do is kiss Remmy!

[The vortex closes, taking Quinn along]

MULDER [beaming]: WOW!!! That's an X-file if ever I saw one!

KRYCEK: No *lisitsa*, that was another Mighty Writer.

MULDER: Eww! Now *that's* spooky! But that Quinn guy, he was kinda cute, don't you think?

[Krycek slaps Mulder behind the head. ]

MULDER: What? What did I say? You know I was joking, you'll always be my favorite ratboy!

KRYCEK: Don't start, *Fox*!

MULDER [angry]: *Don't* call me Fox!

KRYCEK [teasing]: So, still not sure about screwing me on a goat?

MULDER : Huh?!?

KRYCEK: Never mind, *lisitsa*, it's a poem I once read...

[Krycek squeezes him slightly]

KRYCEK [looking up and screaming]: Hey! You, Mighty Writers! Can we leave now, or you'll find something else to keep us here a little longer?!

[Kora looks at Taitou and snorts: What's with the attitude?! Taitou shrugs: Beats me! ]

[After one last glance toward Scully, they turn and walk away *for good*. The screen turns to black and we only hear their voices]

MULDER: And by the way, what does 'lisitsa' mean?


MULDER: I can't believe it! Krycek, you're blushing!

KRYCEK [defensively]: How can you tell? The screen is black!

MULDER [snorts]: Easy, I read the script! See, there: 'Krycek blushes'. Now, tell me, what does it mean?

KRYCEK [shruging-but-you-can't-tell-cuz-the-screen-is-black]: How the hell should I know?! Ask torch!

THE END for now ...