Just a little bit of sadness that crept up on me before the holidays started.
Joanne.

Fandom/Series: X-Files
Title: Things Left Unsaid And Undone
Author/Pseudo: Joanne Collins
Rating: PG-13
Series/Sequel: Not at the moment
Other Webpages: http://www.geocities.com/Paris/Metro/4859/Joanne.html
Author Email: m7traxlady@yahoo.com
Warnings: Although I consider this an M/K story, there is also an implied M/Sc relationship. Spoilers for anything Krycek was in, especially RatB and the movie. I alter the timing of some canon events for the purposes of the story.
Story Summary for Archiving Purposes: Fox receives a letter from Alex after he and Scully redefine their relationship.
What If It's You belongs to Reba McEntire.
Archive: Any X-F slash lists this is sent to, Archive X, Gossamer, Allslash and Belynda.
Feedback, please? This is my first X-F story!
Warning: Character death.
Dedicated to Brenda Antrim, goddess of X-F slash. I would not be here if not for you. And to Mona, just because.


Things Left Unsaid And Undone
By Joanne Collins

Dear Fox,

I know, I should have said Mulder, but I didn't think you'd read it if I wrote to Mulder, and you just might read it through if I address it to Fox.

There are so many things I want to say to you, Fox, not to Mulder. And I might never get the chance. That black-lunged bastard wants me dead, I think he's wanted me dead since I got you out of Tunguska, and I don't know how long I've got.

And I want to tell you some of these things.

I've got something to tell you that I just can't say... So I'm writing it down in case maybe someday... Our lives take a turn down a road we can't see right now... I know you're happy and I'm happy for you... But since you've found each other I've been so confused... Cause I believe there's one soul on this earth that was meant for mine... I was sent here to find...

I'm going to tell you something that might shock you. Then again, you might just think I'm manipulating you again. I'm not. This letter is...my cleansing, I guess you could call it. I am writing nothing but the truth. I know you probably don't believe that, and I can't blame you for it, but it's true. All of it.

I love you.

Yes, me, Alex Krycek, rat bastard (yes, I did hear you say that), liar, thief, but never, ever, murderer, although I know you don't believe it. I love you.

I know, you're with Scully now. You love her. You probably always did. Even the brief moments, when we were partners, and it *wasn't* only in name, you know, when I thought maybe...it was always her. I knew it, and I let myself fall in love with you anyway.

I wondered, could you ever fall in love with me? As I was back then? I was a hell of a lot more naive than you probably think. Hell, I was taken in by Cancerman, how much more naive can you get?

You know, I saw you and Scully, the first time. When she kissed your forehead. There was a part of me that wanted to kill her. Pure jealousy, of course.

What if it's you...
What if our hearts were meant to be one...
What'll I do...
Knowing that I'll never love anyone...
As much as I do love you...
What if it's true...
What if it's you...

You are the only person I've ever loved. I never knew my parents, and there wasn't anyone else.

I knew what I wanted the moment I met you, Fox. I wanted to hold you and make all of your pain go away. I didn't want to hurt you any more. I wish I'd been able to do that, I wish I could have loved you the way you deserve to be loved.

I really hope that you've found that with Scully, because I love you enough to want it for you even if I can't be the one to give it to you.

If destiny called and I missed my cue...
Do I get one more chance...
Oh, how I wish I knew...
I'll never again put my heart in the hands of fate...
If it's too late...

Is there any chance for us? At all?

I have to ask, Fox.

I know I have no right, after what I've done to you, but I have to know.

Do you have room in your heart for me at all?

If I ever hold you...
I'll never let go...
But if I never do how will I know...

I guess you know now why I kissed you, don't you?

It was the only chance, the only time I've ever thought that things were equal enough that I could get away with it.

I hope, if nothing else, that you can take that through life as a good memory, Fox.

What if it's you...
What if our hearts were meant to be one...
What'll I do...
Knowing that I'll never love anyone...
As much as I do love you...
What if it's true...
What if it's you...

I guess that's all I really have to say, Fox.

Just remember, I never hated you, and it almost killed me that you hated me.

But then again, I don't know if I didn't deserve it, at least a little.

I hope that you will be able to think kindly of me after I'm dead, at least.

Je t'aime,

Alex.

===============================================================

Fox Mulder looked down at the unmarked grave, tears in his hazel eyes.

"He never had a chance, Dana. Not ever. We could have saved him. *I* could have saved him. But he let himself get killed by that bastard."

"Fox, he died saving your life. I think it's how he wanted to die, from what he said just before. That it justified his existence."

"He didn't need to do that, Dana. He could have survived. We could have..."

"What?"

"Nothing. A hopeless fantasy that never had a chance of becoming reality. Can I be alone for a moment, please?"

"Of course," she kissed him gently and walked to the car.

"I never got to tell you this in life, Alex, but I could have loved you. If only you had said something. What bitter irony, that I found the letter waiting for me just after our last meeting."

Mulder took the letter from his pocket, set it alight and scattered the ashes over Alex's grave.

"Je t'aime, Alex," Fox whispered as he cried.

FINIS

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