Title: Want Some Candy
Author: Jennie
Pairing: Mulder/Krycek
Rating: PG for language and implied smut
Archive: Sure, to RatB and DitB
Disclaimers: Not my characters, no money made.
Feedback: <jennieemcg@aol.com>
Notes: Well, I was having a little trouble writing, you see. So, Emily gives me three words with which to write a vignette. *Then* she decided that I should include a rather silly article she'd posted to another list (Which Our Dear Mr. Mulder will read to you soon). And, what can I say..? This is the result.
Summary: Oh dear, don't look for a plot. Just expect a little fun.
Warning: Not beta'd - procede at your own risk


Want Some Candy
By Jennie
downhome, monitor and yam are the three little words to be used

"Hey, listen to this," Mulder folded the paper with a snap and cleared his throat. "Nigerian police are investigating a bizarre claim that a boy has been turned into a yam by a witchdoctor."

Out of the corner of his eye, Krycek noted the decided twinkle of mischief in Mulder's expression and decided to play along. Mulder could be *such* fun when the spirit moved him.

"Officers have even taken a large yam - a staple of African diet - into custody."

At that, Krycek snorted. He just couldn't help it. Though he quickly tried to cover by coughing, the sly smirk Mulder's mouth wore told him his deception was quite unsuccessful.

"Three schoolboys in Maiduguri told their headteacher their friend had been transformed into a vegetable in front of their eyes after accepting a sweet from a stranger."

In some evil corner of his mind, Krycek heard himself seriously delivering a safety talk to a group of third-graders. 'And never accept candy from strangers, kids. You'll be turned into a giant yam.'

"The teacher called police who came to the school to 'rescue' the boy, reports The Daily Star."

Well, thank god this had taken place in Africa. Somehow, he just *knew* that this was the kind of thing Mulder would just love to drag him off to investigate. Wouldn't that be fun? Tromping around some backwater farming community, surrounded by downhome clodhoppers all telling horror stories about killer yams.

Krycek snickered, imagining Mulder in such a situation.

"What are you laughing at, Krycek?" Mulder asked, mock-seriously. "Imagine how those poor people feel ... their kids are in danger from this lunatic."

"You're absolutely right, Mulder." Arranging his features into an appropriately concerned expression, Krycek cleared his throat and straightened in his seat. "Go on, what are they doing about this case?"

"Now police are trying to track down the man who gave the boy the sweet, according to Divisional Police Officer Amamu Tukur."

"That shouldn't be too difficult, eh? I mean, how many witchdoctors do you suppose they have running around the countryside handing out sweets that turn kids into yams?"

Mulder shot him a narrow-eyed look and shook his head. "Sometimes I think that you find me very amusing, Krycek, and I fail to understand why. This," he rattled the newspaper, "is a very tragic story." He frowned fiercely. "Now, may I finish?"

"Oh," Krycek waved encouragingly. "By all means, Mulder. Continue with this fascinating and oh so tragic tale."

"As word spread about the schoolboy yam, hundreds of curious people began flocking to the police station to catch a glimpse of it. Mala Kachalla, an official from the governor's office in Borno state, Nigeria, said: 'There has been a mysterious incident here.'"

After a moment's silence, Mulder carefully tore the article out of the paper. He folded it and stuck it into the breast pocket of his suit. "I believe I'll follow up on this, Krycek. You never know ..."

"Ah," Krycek nodded sagely. "Tell me, Mulder, how do you plan to, um, 'follow up' on something like this?"

"Well, naturally, I'll monitor the situation. You know ... keep an eye on the story as it develops. Possibly, I'll place a call to the Governor's office in Borno state. Ask a question or two. But first, a series of experiments here at home."

"Experiments?" Alex's brows lowered in suspicion. "Just exactly what kind of experiments are you thinking about?"

After rummaging in his pockets for a second, Mulder watched and waited as Alex parked the car in front of Hegal Place.

Krycek turned off the engine and turned to look at Mulder, watching closely as slowly, his fingers uncurled, revealing a piece of peppermint.

"Want some candy, little boy?"

Krycek stared at the sweet in silence for a beat, then started laughing. "Mulder," he finally managed to say, "are you trying to turn *me* into a yam?"

Mulder shrugged and grinned. "Well, no - not exactly. After all, I'm not a stranger to you. But, an experiment must have a blind, you know. So, I figure to start here and then, as long as you haven't turned into a vegetable after eating the candy, we'll go find a stranger and have him try giving you a sweet."

"So - you *are* trying to turn me into a yam."

Mulder shook his head sadly. "Alex, a man must be willing to make sacrifices for scientific discovery, you know. Have you no adventure in your soul?"

"I have one hell of a sense of adventure, Mulder - but I have no desire to become a yam."

Before climbing out of the car, Krycek snatched the candy from Mulder's hand. He tore off the cellophane wrapper and slipped the peppermint into his mouth as he crossed in front of the car to wait for Mulder on the sidewalk. "I'll eat this, and then we'll go find a stranger to give *you* candy."

"I don't think that'll work." Mulder opened the front door to his building and waited for Alex to precede him into the entryway. As he led the way down to the elevator, Mulder continued, "We have to be scientific about this. Before we look for a stranger, you'll have to try giving *me* a sweet."

As the elevator doors closed, Alex searched his pockets in vain. "Um, Mulder, we have a slight problem ... " He displayed his empty hands. "I don't have any candy."

Frowning deep in thought, Mulder walked off of the elevator and down to his own door. "Well then, Alex," he said as he opened his apartment and stepped in, "I suppose you'll have to share that one with me."

Who the hell could resist an opening like that? Krycek grinned as he walked in to number 42 and pushed the door closed behind him. He kept moving forward until he had that lovely lean body trapped between himself and the wall. Leaning forward, he brought his mouth close to Mulder's.

"Want some candy, little boy?" he murmured softly, then opened his lips over Mulder's.

With a quiet sigh, Mulder parted his own lips and accepted Krycek's offering. He tilted his head away and his teeth crunched down happily on the candy. "Thought you'd never ask," he said, smiling as he swallowed the confection.

Krycek watched him closely, waiting for a sign as to what this unusual partner of his would do next. One never quite knew with Mulder, after all. He might wander off and completely ignore the kiss. Or, just maybe this time something would finally come of the verbal teasing and innuendo they'd been exchanging lately.

Mulder cocked his head to one side and looked thoughtful. "You know, I think that we might have to broaden the, er, scope of this experiment, Agent Krycek."

"Do tell, Agent Mulder."

Pulling away from him, Mulder headed into the kitchen. Curiously, Alex followed and watched as Mulder searched his cabinets. Finally, when Mulder turned back with a bottle in his hand, Krycek somehow managed not to fall on the floor laughing.

"What," he pointed at the brown plastic container that Mulder was busily unwrapping, "do you plan to do with *that*?"

"It occurred to me," Mulder said as he dropped the wrapper on the counter and walked over to Krycek, "that we don't know what *type* of sweet this mysterious man gave to that kid ... so, I think we'll just have to try several different kinds ourselves - in the interests of scientific accuracy, of course."

Krycek's eyebrows rose and he pointed at the bottle. "Since when is syrup the same as candy?"

Mulder smiled widely. "Syrup isn't the word to note here, Krycek." He pointed to the label, finger highlighting the word he considered important. "*Chocolate* is the key ingredient of this stuff."

Beginning to really like the way this little scenario was shaping up, Krycek backed up a step, willing Mulder to follow him. When the older man did exactly that, Alex rewarded him with a blinding smile. Shielding his eyes with his lashes, he hid the amusement he felt at Mulder's near-trip when the full wattage of that smile hit him. He continued to back up slowly, somehow managing to give the impression that Mulder was crowding him backwards, rather than following helplessly as Alex slowly made his way to the bedroom doorway.

Reaching behind Alex, Mulder opened the door. He licked his lips and pushed Krycek into the room and over to the bed.

Alex dropped to sit on the bed and watched in openmouthed amazement as Mulder casually began pulling off his suit. Who'd have ever thought it? Mulder was... *stripping*. And right in front of him.

Wow.

He nearly lost it at the sight. Nervously, he cleared his throat, desperately searching for some kind of mental distraction - before he came in his pants. How humiliating would that be?

Mulder glanced over at him and tossed the bottle of Hershey's syrup over to rest beside him on the bed. Krycek stared at it, nearly overcome by a mental vision of Mulder, naked, spread-eagled on the bed and covered in thick chocolate sauce.

He would just *die* of embarrassment if he came before Mulder even touched him, for godssake.

How had he ended up here? Like this ...

Oh yeah...

Mulder's paper...

Candy...

Yams...

Suddenly he remembered something he'd read recently. With a wicked grin, he leaned back on his hands and watched Mulder's emerging nakedness with anticipation. "Did you know," he asked casually, "that yams are of the genus Dioscorea. Yams, which are rarely seen in the U.S. and Canada but are a staple in tropical regions, can grow up to seven feet in length. The name is thought to derive from the West African word nyami, "to eat," which is heard in Jamaican patois expressions such as, Oonu wan fi nyam banana dem?, "Do you guys want to eat those bananas?" Some blame (or credit) yams for the high rate of twin births in certain parts of Africa."

Mulder stood, wearing one sock and his underwear, and stared at Krycek in mute astonishment.

"I don't believe it!" Krycek snorted as he rose to his feet. "I have actually rendered you speechless, haven't I?"

When Mulder simply nodded, Alex grinned widely and dropped his suit jacket on the floor. "Well," he said, continuing to let his clothing fall to the floor carelessly, "as long as your mouth has nothing better to do..."

He grabbed the waist of Mulder's underwear and pulled him over to the bed. Once there, Alex lay down and grabbed the bottle of syrup. He upended it and poured a generous dollop of thick brown liquid over his own chest.

"C'mon down here, Agent Mulder, and start collecting some empirical evidence."

Proving that he could in fact follow an order, Mulder did just that.