Hi Everyone,
I know I'm just asking for trouble following up Surreal's incredible posting the other day, but I finally finished the badfic story I started a couple of weeks ago. Hope you enjoy...

Title: Beware of Gunmen Bearing Gifts
Author: J.D. Rush
Summary: Scully and the baby get a visit from Frohike who's. . .well. ..bearing gifts. This was a bad fic idea that came to me after reading too much slash. (Then again, can there really ever be TOO much slash?)
Rating: PG-13, for lots of slashy references, but nothing graphic.
Archive: Unusual Suspects, The Basement, The FLO,others on request
Fandom: X-Files/LGM
Spoilers: LGM--Three Men and A Smoking Diaper, The Lying Game. XF--Requiem; Season 8 finale. This story takes place approximately four months after the Season 8 finale.
Disclaimer: All these characters, including the fabulous Frohike, don't belong to me. If they did, the LGM would be on the air in the Fall, and Duchovny would rule the X-Files or eternity. Oh, well...
Feedback: Yes, pretty please with sugar on top! yanksfan462@aol.com (and for more LGM fun, visit our webpage: http://pages.ivillage.com/tallsor/)
Author's Note: I don't know if the gift Frohike gives Scully actually exists. It fit the story, so I put it in. PLEASE don't write me asking where you can get one.

Beware of Gunmen Bearing Gifts
By J.D. Rush

I stood in the hallway debating with myself whether I should knock or flee. In the past, I would never have dreamed of even standing here, but the previous 12 months have brought a lot of changes, in both our lives, and what was once unthinkable is now fairly commonplace.

However, I must admit to these moments of apprehension and unease. I guess after years of wishing and longing, I still find it hard to believe the unimaginable has happened and I am now so close to one I had thought unattainable.

Now, don't go getting the wrong idea. Yes, I continued to lust for her in my heart, but her companionship. . .her FRIENDSHIP. . .was more than I could have ever hoped for, and it made my life complete. The last year has been almost a dream come true for me as we have continued to grow closer, to the point where I can now visit her when the mood strikes me, and have no fear of being turned away.

But still, I always get a few butterflies in the seconds leading up to her appearance.

I took a deep breath as I knocked on the door, and tapped my foot nervously while awaiting it to open. I ran a quick hand over my hair (what there is left of it) to smooth it into place, and tugged at the bottom of my vest to adjust it. No answer.

Hmmm. . .maybe she wasn't home? No, I saw her car outside. She was definitely home. I adjusted my necktie before knocking again, a little louder this time. I was just transferring the bag I carried from one hand to the other when suddenly the door swung open and, just like the first rays of sunshine in the morning. . .there she was.

It should be a sin to be that beautiful in a faded and stained Quantico sweat suit.

"Frohike!" she announced with a smile, making her even more angelic, and I felt my heartbeat quicken. "What a surprise! Come on in!" She shifted the bundle in her arms and stepped back, allowing me to enter.

I noticed, as I passed her, that she had put on a little weight while on maternity leave. Not much, just a couple of pounds--enough to fill out her face a bit, taking away some of the harshness that had appeared the last couple of years. She looked softer now, and younger--more like the Scully I had met and fell in love with so long ago. Motherhood definitely suited her well.

"Ah--hi. . ." I stammered, once more reduced to a nervous teenager when alone in her presence. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"No. . .no. . .I was just getting ready to bathe William and put him to bed." (Lucky sonuvagun, I thought.) "To what do I owe this visit?"

She knew already, though--she was a pretty sharp cookie. Her eyes were boring into the colorful gift bag by my side. "Oh, ahhh. . .nothing special. Just bought a little something for the kid. . .."

Heaving a deep sigh, she scolded me, "Frohike. You have GOT to stop buying him toys. You're going to spoil him."

As she was busy reprimanding me, I had reached into the bag and withdrew a thin wrapped box with a fancy metallic silver bow. I smiled as I held it out to her, "And a little something for mommy, too."

"Ooooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme!" she demanded, excitedly. I laughed as she deftly deposited the wiggling infant in my arms and grabbed the package from me in one smooth move. The baby immediately started to fuss--heck, he went from looking at Scully to staring up at ME. *I'D* get fussy, too.

Well, I had a secret weapon to fix that. While Scully was occupied unwrapping her gift, I tipped the bag over onto the nearby telephone stand and picked up the glowing metal ball that rolled out. The sphere got William's immediate attention, and he watched it, fascinated--his little fingers reaching out for the flashing multicolored object.

"Oh God, Frohike!" Scully squealed, waving around the new DVD like she had found the Holy Grail. Actually, I guess she had. "A director's cut of 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'! How did you ever know?"

"I have my ways," I smirked. "It's got behind the scenes stuff, out-takes, a running commentary by Terry Gilliam. . .even interviews with the remaining Pythons."

She bounced over to me and graced my cheek with a kiss. (Damn glad I shaved before coming over!) "You're a DOLL, Frohike. How can I ever thank you?"

No way could I let an opening like that pass without comment. "Let me count the ways," I leered. She playfully punched me in the shoulder, so I amended, "Okay, how about another kiss then?"

As she leaned over to grant my wish, she noticed the gizmo that was keeping William quiet. (Stupid thing! Interrupting my smooch like that!) "Oh my. ..what the. . .?" she asked, as it chimed quietly, its bright primary-colored lights flashing in time to the music. "Where did you get that? I've never seen anything like it."

"And you never will again," I answered, smugly. "It's my own creation. Made it just for baby Scully here."

She just crossed her arms over her (ohmygod) chest. "Frohike, that scares me more than you could possibly imagine. It's not going to blow up or anything, will it?"

"Nah, only Langly's stuff blows up. My inventions just smolder for awhile." She gave me one of those raised eyebrows of hers. "Just kidding. . .it's 100% kid-safe. I promise."

The smile I got was a half-smirk as only Scully could pull off. "Well, thank you very much. For both gifts. It was quite thoughtful of you." She glanced down again at the DVD in her hands, then back at me and asked, shyly, "I don't supposed you'd like to stay and break it in with me, would you?"

"Does a bear shi-i-i-iyah. . .." (Watch your mouth around the kid, Frohike, I reminded myself.) "Is the Pope Catholic?"

This time the smile was broad and beaming. "I'll go put on some coffee. ..come keep me company." So I followed her into the kitchen, bouncing the still-spellbound infant in my arms. Passing by all the baby-paraphernalia lying around, a thought came to me.

"By the way, Scully. . .you don't let this little tyke watch the Teletubbies, do you?"

Coffee can in her hands, she turned to look back at me, and explained, patiently, "He's four months old, Frohike. He doesn't watch television yet."

I gave a sigh of relief. "Just checking."

"May I ask why?"

"Well, Sesame Street is okay, and even Mister Rogers, in small doses, but unless you want little Willy-boy here to end up a mindless drone of the State, don't let him within a thousand miles of the Teletubbies."

"A mindless drone of the. . .?" she repeated slowly and dubiously.

"Scully. . .don't argue with me on this. The Gunmen broke the story. Just trust me, okay?"

A full-blown Scully smirk this time, complete with raised eyebrow. "Mulder told me not to trust anyone, you know. But if you say the Teletubbies are a sign of the coming Apocalypse, I believe you."

Damn, I loved her sarcastic sense of humor.

As she set about brewing up a batch of joe (100% Columbian, I was proud to note...none of that fancy-schmancy gourmet crap for Agent Scully) I put William into his baby carrier, placed it on the kitchen table, and continued to keep him entertained. We were midway through a third game of 'This Little Piggy' when I sensed Scully's intense gaze directed at us. I turned to find her staring at me, mouth agape. "What?"

She shook her head, her lovely mane of copper hair shimmering in the light. "I just. . .I mean. . .you have a wonderful way with babies, Frohike," she marveled. "I wouldn't have thought you had it in you."

"I get that a lot," I muttered, thinking back to a similar comment by Yves a few months earlier. "Guess I just have a knack, huh?"

She placed her hands on her slim hips. "You certainly do with William, that's for sure."

"Well, that's 'cause he's such a good baby, aintcha, Billy-boy?" I teased, tickling his feet as he continued to giggle.

Those beautiful blue eyes just took the whole scene in. "You know, Frohike, they say babies can sense if a person is friend or foe. . .looks like you passed the test."

"Either that or the kid's just got good taste," I joked.

"Speaking of good taste. . .do you want some cheesecake to go with the coffee?"


"Is there any other kind?" she grinned.

I had to smile at that. "I always knew you were a woman of distinction, Scully. I'd love a piece."

She took the dessert plate out of the fridge, and cut two generous slices of cheesecake for us. "I'm not keeping you from anything important, am I? I mean, I didn't even ask if you were busy. . .."

Right, like there was anything more important in my life than Dana Scully? I couldn't have cared less if Elvis, JFK, and John Lennon were waiting for me back at HQ. What's all that compared to a chance to sit in this kitchen and chow down on some cheesecake with a certified goddess? "Nah. . .the guys are gone for the weekend, anyway," I told her.

"Oh, really?" She brought two cups of steaming java to the table, and took a seat across from me.

"Yeah--Langly took Byers up to Atlantic City for their three month anniversary."

"That's so sweet!" she said, with feeling. "So, how is Byers doing these days?"

I added some cream to my cup. "To tell you the truth, he still misses Krycek. But Langly's doing his best to help him get over it."

She took a bite from her pastry. "Well, hadn't he been trying to get into John's pants for years now? Krycek was the only thing stopping him."

The sugar came next--only one spoonful. I was trying to cut down. As I stirred my coffee, I expounded, "Yeah, but it's much more than that. He's been so good for Byers these last couple of months. . .and the experience has been good for Ringo, too. It forced him to grow up, to not think about himself so much. He's matured a lot--and he really wants this relationship to work." Pausing to take a sip, I added, "I'm quite proud of him."

"I'm so glad things are going well for those two. I know how hard Byers took Krycek's death." She reached over and tucked a corner of the small blanket around her baby--kid was out like a light. "I really hope it works out. John's such a good man--he deserves to be happy."

"Amen to that," I agreed, digging into my own slice of paradise. "Mmmm. ..this is delicious. Is it homemade?"

She shot me a classic 'Scully-look'. "Do I LOOK like Martha Stewart? Try The Cheesecake Factory."

"Next best thing," I laughed, scooping up another heaping spoonful of the decadent dessert.

"I just don't understand what John ever saw in Alex in the first place," she mused, reflectively. "Byers is so decent, and Krycek was such an evil SOB."

I took another sip of the delicious coffee. (Man, was there anything she DIDN'T do well?) "The sex," I told her, bluntly.

She choked on her drink, in the most lady-like of ways. "WHAT?!?"

"That's what he told me anyway," I confided. "Said Krycek was the best sex he'd ever had. . .bar none. Even WITH only one arm he could make John's toes curl."

She tittered to cover her embarrassment. "I think we've entered the realm of too much information, Frohike."

"Hey, you asked. I'm just reporting the facts."

Popping a syrup drenched cherry between her rosy-red lips (what I wouldn't have given to be that freaking cherry!) she queried, "On the subject of reporting. . .what about the fourth Musketeer? Isn't Jimmy around this weekend?"

I shook my head. "Nah. . .with any luck, Skinner's got him gagged and handcuffed in his basement by now."

She laughed. (Goddamn, I love her laugh.) "Oh, Frohike. A.D. Skinner does *not* have a torture chamber in his basement. His bedroom, maybe, but not his basement."

"Do I even want to know how you know that?" I asked, hesitantly.

"Mulder tends to babble a lot during stake-outs," she explained, finishing her coffee.

"NOW who's indulging in T.M.I.?" I chuckled.

She took a dainty bite of her cheesecake. "I can't help thinking that Jimmy and Walter make an even stranger couple than Byers and Krycek did. I just never would have put them together."

I drained my cup of coffee, and got up to pour myself another cup; I filled the young lady's at the same time, and she thanked me with a beatific smile. "What can I say? They met during that whole Carol Strode fiasco, and the sparks just flew."

"Well, all I know is Skinner has been much easier to deal with since Jimmy came into his life. He'd been looking for a boy to play 'daddy' to since Mulder, well. . .." She bowed her head slightly, and whispered, "Since he disappeared last year."

I shuddered at the memory. It wasn't something any of us talked about, if we could help it. To think that we believed he was dead for all that time--buried him and everything--and he magically came back to life, like the Energizer bunny. "Yeah, well, JIMMY'S been much easier to deal with, too, since he started getting a healthy dose of Skinner's discipline. No more stupid stunts or inane comments because he's afraid Papa Frohike might mete out some 'punishment'."

Her big blue eyes got even bigger. "Punishment, huh? That's a disturbing visual, Frohike."

Suddenly, little William woke up and started crying--correction, make that wailing. I knew the sound of that particular whine, and, apparently, so did Dana. "Speaking of disturbing. . ." I started.

"I've got it covered, Frohike," she finished, already reaching into the side pocket of William's carrier, and pulling out a clean diaper.

But I deftly snagged it from her hand, and gave her a grin. "Why don't you go fire up that movie, and I'll take care of this."

Again with the open mouth stare. "A guy who changes diapers without being asked? My God, Mel, you're the man of my dreams!"

"Jeez, Scully. . .if I knew that all it took was a few poopie diapers, I would have offered months ago," I laughed.

She placed a changing towel on the table, as I lay the squirming child down, and began the extremely nasty, but necessary, process. Scully just watched me in wonder, shaking her head in amusement. "Can you please tell me why some lucky lady hasn't snatched you up yet?" she teased.

"What? And be responsible for all those hysterical women committing suicide when they found out I was off the market? I don't want all those deaths on my conscience." With a flourish, I flattened out the two sticky tabs and, "Voila!" I announced.

"Melvin Frohike. . .you are one of a kind," she chuckled.

"Most people would say that's a good thing." And as she took William from me, cuddling him to her (oh GOD!) breast, I was struck again by how motherhood had changed her. She laughed more, and her smile was almost omnipresent. Perhaps because all the traumas and tragedies that had followed her for the past decade--the death of her father, the murder of her sister, her abduction and that whole cancer scare, the mysterious disappearance and reappearance of Mulder--could be forgotten now, every time that she gazed upon her son.

She shot me a glance over his shoulder as I picked up the DVD and the glowing ball and we walked back to the living room. "You know, Mulder wouldn't have done that on a DARE."

I had to give a laugh at the thought of Mulder being, well, domesticated. It wasn't a pretty picture. Slipping the disk into the machine, I joined mother and child on the couch. When the little boy saw his new toy, he clambered to get it, so Scully passed him over to me. Over the opening credits, I commented, "You know, now that you mention it, I was actually surprised not to see Mulder here tonight."

"Oh, he's out with Agent Doggett." She smirked, "They're. . .bonding."

"Bonding. . .or bondage?" I asked, knowingly.

She giggled. "With those two, I think it's the same thing. I'm sure there's a lot of bitch slapping involved in that relationship. It'll be just like Krycek and Mulder--the sequel."

"Mulder. . .and KRYCEK!?!" I gasped.

"You mean you didn't know?" she asked, incredulously. "Mulder was Alex's main squeeze until Byers came onto the scene."

Bouncing the young tyke on my knee, I stated, "Ouch! That must've gone up Mulder's ass widthwise."

"Let's just say he didn't take the break-up too well. That's why he hooked up with Skinner in the first place. I think he thought he could make Alex jealous, and Krycek would come crawling back to him."

"But it didn't work out that way?" I finished.

"Nope. Krycek didn't crawl for any man. It was too bad, really--he and Mulder were quite a pair, well, when they weren't trying to kill each other." She reached over with a tissue and wiped some spittle from William's face (man, these babies leak from EVERYWHERE!) before continuing, "That's why he and Doggett should make an interesting couple. . .Mulder always did like it rough."

I gave her a quizzical look. "Something else he shared during those stake outs, huh?"

Tilting her head slightly, she replied, "No-o-o-o. . .let's just say I walked into the office one day while Kersh was. . .ahhh. . .reaming him out." (Damn, she's so beautiful when she blushes!)

"Jesus! Kersh too? Is there anyone at the Bureau that Mulder HASN'T fucked?" By the scandalized look Scully gave me, I knew I had made a serious faux pas, and wished I could have bitten my tongue off. After all, Fox was most likely the father of her baby, though we STILL didn't know how that was accomplished. "Well, I'm sure his HEART belongs only to you, though," I tried to cover quickly.

"Sure, Frohike," she snickered. "Even if the rest of his body parts don't, right?"

(Oh God, Scully, you could have *all* of me! Can't you SEE that?) Then again. . . maybe this was the chance I had been waiting for. If Mulder was so irreversibly gay (and a slut to boot) I might actually have a shot at the tasty morsel sitting beside me. I leaned back into the soft cushions of the couch and commented, "So, Mulder's with Doggett now, huh? Is it just me, Scully, or does it seem like everyone's getting laid lately but us? I mean, even Yves has got a new flame."

"Really? Who?" she asked, intrigued.

"Are you ready for this?" I paused, to prolong the dramatic tension. "Marita Covarrubias."

"NO FREAKING WAY!!" she screeched. I just nodded sagely. "You mean, Yves. ..and Marita . . .are. . .?"

"Doing the wild thing?" I finished for her. "Yup. So eat, drink, and be merry, my dear Scully, because tomorrow we may ALL die!"

"Holy SHIT!" she said with feeling. "That is, without question, the scariest couple I've ever heard of."

"Uh-uh. . .that would have been Cigarette Smoking Man and Alex," I corrected her.

"NO!" she exclaimed. I nodded 'yes'. "But I thought Krycek was Spender's son!?" she asked, puzzled.

William was tired of bouncing, so I gave him back to Scully, where he curled up and promptly dropped off to sleep again. "Well, depending on who you listen to. I've heard a lot of rumors about those two over the years. But then again, you know the famous saying, 'Incest is best.'"

She shivered, "Ewwww, that is so sick!"

"You got that right. To be fair, though, it's never been proven one way or the other if Cancerman was Krycek's dad. All I know for sure is those two were making the sign of the doubled-backed armadillo. . .well, until Krycek pushed the old geezer down the stairs, that is."

"The only good thing Rat Boy ever did," she muttered.

"Tell me about it," I agreed. Okey dokey. . .onto step two. I stretched my arms over my head as I 'yawned' and nonchalantly dropped my arm around Scully shoulder as I sighed, "Man, Jimmy and Skinner. Byers and Langly. Mulder and Doggett. Yves and Marita. Do you get the feeling we're the only two straight people left on this planet, Dana?"

"Oh, Frohike," she tittered. "I'm sure you're mis. . .." But whatever she was going to say was interrupted by a knock at the front door. Poor William-- made to leave Scully's (ohhh, mama!) bosom as she handed him over to me. "Be right back."

"Do you want me to pause the movie?" I asked, as The Black Knight came onto the screen. "It's the best part."

"No, that's okay. . .I won't be long."

The door opened behind me, and I heard laughing. Female laughing. And it wasn't Scully's laughter. Then a gasp, and a crash. I whipped my head around so fast I almost got whiplash and there was my beautiful Agent Scully, backed up against the wall in a passionate embrace, kissing. . .another woman.

Turn away, Frohike, I told myself. You shouldn't be watching this. But like a good car accident on the side of the road, as much as you want to turn away, you can't. So I sat there, with John Cleese and Graham Chapman arguing in the background, and watched as the love of my life played tonsil hockey with some brunette trollop.

After a couple of minutes of this, I couldn't take it any longer, and cleared my throat--loudly--causing the interloper to jump back out of the clutch, in surprise and embarrassment. "DANA!" she cried out. "I didn't know you had company."

Scully, her cheeks as red as her hair, gestured to me and stammered a hasty introduction. "Ummm. . .ahhh. . . this is Melvin Frohike. He's a friend."

"Oh, so THIS is the famous Frohike!" The young lady smiled as she approached, and held out her hand to me. "I've heard so much about you. I'm Agent Monica Reyes."

She was pretty and friendly, and damn it to hell! She had been necking with Scully. MY Scully! Taking a deep breath to calm myself down, I responded, "Nice to meet you." I had to take a moment to shift the baby and cradle him in the crook of my left arm so I could reach out to shake hands with my right.

"I'm a friend of Dana's, too," she continued.

AND she was allowed to call Scully by her first name as well. Bitch. "I figured that out on my own," I told her.

"She helped me during my delivery," Scully piped up. "She was very. ..helpful."

I just nodded, "Uh-huh."

"And. . .we got rather close," Monica finished, awkwardly.

"So I can see," I said, snidely.

Conversation came to an uneasy halt, the only sounds being the 'Camelot' song coming from the TV, and the soft snoring coming from William. Monica was the first one to break the silence. "I. . .I just came over to see if maybe you wanted to do something tonight, Dana, but. . .well, I can see you're busy."

"Ah, yeah. Frohike stopped by with a surprise. . ." Scully began, waving towards the TV set.

"OH! Monty Python!" Monica yelped, excitedly. "I love this movie."

"Would you like to join us?" Scully asked her.

Before the dark-haired agent could answer, I stood up, careful not to disturb the slumbering lad. "Look, ahhh. . .Scully? Three's a crowd, so you two can just. . .enjoy the flick, and I'll take a rain check, okay?"

"No, no!" Monica protested. "I don't want to disturb your evening. We. ..we can go out some other time, Dana."

Scully's pretty face scrunched up in disappointment. I couldn't stand to see her so upset. And how often could a single mom get out for a Friday night on the town, right? "Then again, I could stay and watch the kid, if you want to go out," I suggested.

The light in her eyes was bright, but her words were spoken sadly. "No, I couldn't ask you to do that, Frohike. After all the trouble you went through tonight. . .."

"What trouble? And you're not asking--I'm offering." I shrugged, " 'Sides, I'm not doing anything else anyway, remember? This is the perfect opportunity for you to get out of the house."

"Are you sure? You really don't mind?" she asked, hopefully.

"Nah--you two go out and have some fun." I cringed--THAT didn't come out right. "Master William here and I will be fine."

The gratitude just shone on her face. "Only if you're absolutely sure." When I nodded, she turned to her other guest and said, "Just give me a second to change, Monica." And with that, she disappeared towards the bedroom.

I sat back down on the couch, and Scully's 'friend' joined me, to catch a few minutes of the movie. We both chuckled at the French Taunters and the launched livestock. By the time the squire got hit with the flying wooden rabbit, Scully was changed and ready to go. I noticed with some envy that she had done up her hair and make-up, making her look elegant, even in the simple turtleneck sweater and jeans. (No ratty old sweat suits for Miss Monica!)

Agent Reyes stood gracefully and extended her hand to me once more. "It was a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Frohike," she said, pleasantly.

"Same here," I answered, between barely clenched teeth, while shaking her hand once again. I almost added that if she hurt Scully in any way, shape, or form, I'd make her sorry she was ever born, but I stilled my tongue.

I watched as she reached into her coat pocket to retrieve her car keys, and something else--something absolutely horrifying. "Oh, Dana! I almost forgot. I picked up a little surprise for William." She held the little stuffed toy out to Scully, who gave me a mortified look. "It's Tinky Wink. He's a Teletubbie. Isn't he the cutest thing?"

"Ahhh. . .thanks, Monica. I'm sure William will love it." As she leaned over to give it to me (knowing full well I'd take VERY good care of it), she planted a single kiss on my cheek. "Frohike--you're an absolute doll. I owe you big for this."

(Oh yeah? Well, you could pay me back by letting me watch sometime. . .what the *hell* was I thinking!?) Instead, I gave a huge martyred sigh. "No problem. . .I'm glad to do it."

Then she grabbed her own coat and with one final wave she left, arm in arm, with her gal pal.

The door closed behind them, and I was suddenly alone with my charge. I found myself amending my earlier statement. . .maybe *I* was the only straight person left on this planet. Or at the very least, I was certainly the only one who wasn't seeing any action.

(Hmmm. . .wonder what Kimmy was doing. . .?)

Back up. I wasn't THAT desperate.


Hefting the now-awake baby in my arms, I mumbled, "Well, Billy-boy--guess it's just you and me, kid." I turned up the volume on the movie, and tried to lose myself in its silliness. . .

(Oh man, shoulda gotten her the uncut version of 'Showgirls' instead.)


Archived: July 04, 2001