Pieces V: Free Will

by Susan

Title: Pieces V: Free Will
Author: Susan
Feedback to: sgtpeppr@bellsouth.net
Author's Website: http://www.geocities.com/xfox7/
Status: Complete
Category: Unclassified
Pairing (Primary): Mulder/Krycek
Pairing(s) (Secondary):
Crossover Fandom (if any):
Crossover Info (if any):
Other Pairing Info:
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Directly before Tunguska/ Terma.
Permission to Archive:
Series or Sequel/Prequel: A collection of snippets -- they are unrelated to one another. They are just grouped by style.
Notes:
Warnings:
Disclaimer:
Summary: Another in the Pieces Series.


Free Will

There are times when I feel utterly and completely alone in the world. I could be surrounded by people, walking down the street in New York City and be lonely. I guess you could say I've put myself in this situation, and that I shouldn't complain. Point taken. But I'm only lonely because I have been forced - by circumstances beyond my control - to relinquish the person who could take away this vacant feeling.

But, you say, no one can make you do anything. Everyone has free will. But I say free will is highly overrated. Humanity is given free will, but that will must be decided on one way or the other, split between choices. Every event, person, or thing can affect the decisions each person makes. Free will is really prisoner to the ruler of all things - fate - because, I think, we can exercise free will in conjunction with fate. Humanity can choose what they will, but each path is set; it just waits for the choice to be made to put the course into action.

I believe I am fated to long for him from afar. In the beginning, I chose to help Cancerman, and I thereby set into motion a chain of events that led me to Mulder. I was meant to meet him, and I knew when I first saw him that he was a man meant to be mine. My first glimpse of him lasted no more than 5 seconds; he was walking down a hallway in the Hoover, his nose buried in a case file. My breath stopped, and for an instant, so did time. Everything seemed to slow down and people around me disappeared. I could hear my heart thumping in my chest and my pulse ringing in my ears. I didn't even realize he'd gone until someone tapped my shoulder to ask if I was OK.

That's why I chose to take on Cancerman's project. I would get to work with Mulder. He was brilliant, and he was exasperating. He made me crazy - I was happy one minute, angry the next. But I couldn't get enough. I tagged along with him everywhere I could, hanging on his every word, and I watched him secretly when he was alone. When he would call my name, I had to try to stop my heart from racing and my palms from sweating. He would sometimes lean close to me and ask a question, and it was all I could do spit out an answer. Mulder would just laugh and walk away, leaving me alone again.

But I wanted him all for myself. I thought Scully didn't appreciate the intracacies of his mind and character. Somewhere in her brain she pitied him. She felt sorry for his solitary life and single-minded mission. And I loathed her for that. So, I chose to handle her in the best way I thought possible. I thought in some way Mulder would appreciate the method. It would be poetic - the Abduction.

But I did I ever choose wrong. I thought it would bring him closer to me, that we could start to have something deeper. It didn't. He became obsessed with finding her, and in return, I became obsessed with him not finding her. And I won. He couldn't get her; it was too late. When They removed me from my position as his partner, I realized that I had been wrong, and if I returned her, he might like me again. But, again, it was too late - I was told to stop fighting the Project or I'd die. And in my life, I understood one thing completely - survival at all costs. Scully was eventually returned to him, but it wasn't by my doing. For several years, I walked the straight and narrow line set for me by the Consortium - self-sacrifice was never a trait I possessed.

So each choice I made affected the next one and the next one until I was so far away from him I couldn't breathe. I watched him from afar, sometimes, and I dreamed of the paths not taken. I wondered if my fate could have been different had I handled my free will differently, or if I was made to always be lonely and wanting him. Maybe I was only supposed to know him for that instant so I would spend the rest of my life suffering without him. It was depressing to think that way, but with the life I led, it was the only way I could put things into perspective.

At night, especially, I longed for the warmth and safety of him. He is so very good. His intentions are so sure. I wished I could climb inside him and curl into a tight ball in the pit of his stomach. Or lift up the lid on his brain just to watch it work, flashing and pulsing between thoughts. That kind of intimacy was my deepest desire. I wanted to kiss him and touch him, but to be allowed into him, his thoughts, his ideas, was more than I could have ever wanted. Just to sit beside him, drinking him up, would have been heaven. But I never knew that kind of closeness to him firsthand. Anything I knew of him came from distant memory and imagination. Or from his punches, which were always sweet in their violent insistence. Mulder even puts his heart into his hate.

So, in light of all these things, I made a decision to tempt my fate and take a chance with free will. Right now, I am feeding him information - handing him a bust. And, in essence, handing him myself. I will let him find me, and if he kills me, then at least I will die at his hands. He will never forget me if he kills me. And, on the other hand, if he does not kill me, I will talk to him, try to make him see that all I want is him. This is the closest I can get to self-sacrifice - and it's all for him.

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